Thoughts People Have At Their Shitty Internships

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Because everyone knows a more realistic title for the intern would be “Office Bitch.”

  1. Sure, I’ll totally get to the office early to make sure coffee is ready for everyone else–even though they can actually afford to buy coffee on the way to work.
  2. Not one businessman has hit on me yet.
  3. So, is drinking in the office not a thing? I totally thought it was a thing.
  4. I live for the days I get to sit in a room by myself and use the shredder.
  5. My title should be “Copy and Coffee Bitch”
  6. My “office shoes” are too clubby for the office.
  7. I think they’re trying to say I look slutty.
  8. Maybe I could be the office slut?
  9. Except for the fact that everyone is old and decrepit, so no.
  10. Unless one of them is super rich. Then maybe.
  11. Every time I have to make small talk, a part of me dies on the inside.
  12. My smile is as fake as what I’m going to put on my résumé about this “learning opportunity.”
  13. I daydream about quitting probably four times every hour.
  14. I spend my lunch break on Craigslist looking for any other internship.
  15. Or looking for a sugar daddy. Literally either will work.
  16. My name isn’t “Intern,” okay?
  18. I haven’t even had a hot, inter-office fling yet.
  19. No, I’m not the maid.
  20. Or the “errand runner.”
  21. Or the “proofreader.”
  22. Or the “hey, can you run to my house and feed my dog” person.
  23. I know how email and Microsoft Word work, but thanks for giving me a two hour tutorial on it.
  24. I steal enough free snacks to feed a small sorority.
  25. The movie “Office Space” accurately describes my life.
  26. “I’m going to burn the place down.”
  27. Online shopping is so much harder when I have to minimize it every time someone walks by.
  28. Whoever said everyone loves the intern was obviously never an intern.
  29. I multitask by staring at my computer screen and praying no one asks me to do anything.
  30. Pantyhose were obviously invented by someone who hated women.
  32. Where is Don Draper?
  33. My mom has the hour before I go to work marked off in her day planner for my “I hate my life. I don’t want to go. Why don’t you love me?” breakdown.
  34. The hour before lunch and the hour before I get to leave are obviously actually made of, like, extra hours.
  35. I am torn between surfing social media to ease my boredom and blocking it so I don’t see the fun everyone else is having.
  36. But they’re not having that much fun, right? Like, I’m not there so…
  37. Oh, cool. Beach day. With boys. And beer. And no office.
  38. I hate everyone.
  39. I’m quitting. I’m just going to get up and walk out.
  40. Right NOW.
  41. Okay, like, in a minute. Maybe.
  42. I’m not even getting paid for this.
  43. That has to be illegal.
  44. Casual Fun Friday isn’t actually fun. Or casual.
  45. Because my idea of causal is no pants.
  46. I imagine really dramatic ways to quit in my downtime. Like, a heated “fuck you” and smashing the computer.
  47. Or never returning and being the mystery girl who just left one day.
  48. “Did she even work here?”
  49. I am the paper bitch.
  50. “This will give you an idea of what it’s like to be in the workforce for the next 40 years.”
  51. LOL. No thanks.
  52. Yeah, I’m going to change my major.
  53. MRS degree, here I come!

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Rachel Varina

(yeahokaywhat) Aspiring to be the next Tina Fey, Rachel spends her free time doing nothing to reach that goal. While judging people based on how they use "they're" vs. "there" on social media, she likes eating buffalo chicken dip, watching other people's Netflix, and wearing sweatpants way more than is socially acceptable.

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