“Let me know if you need anything, I’m making coffee now if you’d like anything,” I said to the plumber. It was 7am, I was in a matching set of pajamas, and only slightly tired as I made my coffee, ate some fruit and settled to answer some emails.
“Fuck yes,” I thought, as I mentally high-fived myself for being able to maintain the most mundane lifestyle of being an adult. At 21, I’m the definition of that “in between” phase, where I think that turtlenecks and furniture shopping are cool, but my bill for said furniture still goes to my dad, and I occasionally have to call my mother to ask her how to use uncommon household appliances.
Unfortunately, I’m at the age where I crave independence, but also love the idea of crawling back to my parents’ house where the fridge is always full and my bedsheets are expensive. Honestly, if it wasn’t apparent from my small victory with the plumber, it doesn’t take much to make me feel like an adult. But there’s a whole slew of other things that make me feel like I’m actually as mature as I “should be” at my age.
- Going to the bank.
This is especially true if this is directly after I’ve been paid and I actually have money in my account.
- Telling people about my coffee addiction.
What better way is there to demonstrate to the world that I am a real, fully functioning adult, then telling everyone about how I “just can’t survive without my morning coffee,” and constantly restating the fact that my entire existence basically depends on a $5 drink from Starbucks?
- Giving my younger family members unwarranted advice.
Over the holidays, I uttered the words “if I can give you only one piece of work advice,” and then I literally started to dig my own grave.
- Staying in any night that other people are going out.
I don’t care if it’s a Tuesday night before a final exam. If I have the self control and maturity to stay in that night, I deserve a gold star and at least an hour shopping for home goods online.
- When I go anywhere without makeup on.
Sure, the night before I might have had more glitter on my face than a stripper, but if I decide to venture out bare-faced, I’m making a statement to the world. Not only am I mature enough to occasionally not give AF what other people think of me, but I also have an elaborate skin care routine that I use most of the time.
- Whenever I use social media differently than the younger generations.
My younger brother constantly reminds me that “only old people use Facebook,” but I will forever maintain it is the key platform and homebase for all of your stalking needs.
- Whenever my high school invites me to alumni events.
Seriously, I’m not coming back until I am in law school and in possession of an impressive engagement ring. Or any engagement ring.
- Not buying my online shopping cart.
Sure, I might have just spent a ton of money on fur pillows that I didn’t need, but I am putting my foot down and cutting spending by not buying the hanging succulent potter and neon eggplant emoji wall hanging from Urban Outfitters. You’re welcome, Dad.
- Whenever I don’t wear cute underwear.
Wearing ugly underwear makes me feel as though I’ve slightly given up on life, and my ability to find love and happiness, which is what I imagine being an adult is actually like.
- Eating fancy foods.
This includes anything a 40-year-old man from a small town in middle-America who considers KFC an “elaborate dinner” hasn’t heard of. It’s very adult to owe your soul to Whole Foods and eat literally anything that Chrissy Teigan talks about.
- Buying from the sale rack.
Post-undergrad, this moves shifts from one of a “broke college student” to one of a “financially responsible adult who cares more about saving money than wearing this season’s clothes.” Seriously, its a fact..
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