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There’s Nothing (Semi) Formal About It

Semiformal will undoubtedly be the sloppiest event of the semester, which is ironic considering we’ll be looking the classiest we’ve looked in the past three-and-a-half months. It’s final exam time, so most of us haven’t eaten or slept in days, coming off a weeklong Addy binge, and as a result we’ll probably get wasted faster than Lindsay Lohan at a cocaine buffet. The president and risk management chair most likely gave a long speech at your last chapter meeting about being on your best behavior at such a fabulous and expensive venue, but frankly, you #dgaf.

Of course there’s like, a billion things you have to get done for semi-formal before the big day. First…the dress. You dream for weeks about the perfect ensemble. Your plan is to find “the one” while perusing your fave online shops during a lecture and compulsively clicking “add to cart.” You’ll then spend every waking moment prior to its arrival dreaming about how it’ll hug your perfect body (which is now even more perfect thanks to your recent Adderall diet), leaving just enough to the imagination so that your fratdaddy will be drooling over you all night. What really happens: you can’t find anything online, and end up running to the mall the day before only to come home with a subpar dress. As you’re trying it on for your roommates you decide you hate it and begin to panic and proclaim you’re not going as you start getting ready. Two hours before the pregame you call a sister and ask to borrow a dress you remember her wearing to some obscure mixer three semesters ago that you’ve always loved. Not exactly how it was supposed to go, but you look perfect. Obviously.

Now, your shoes have to be perfect. Your standard black or nude pumps won’t do, so you sport your highest stiletto of the most expensive name brand that your Carrie Bradshaw-esque shoe collection has to offer. Can you walk in them? No. Will you remove them four-and-a-half minutes into semi and almost miss the bus because you can’t remember which chair you left them under, and then walk home barefoot carrying them? Absolutely. Does this give you an excuse to wear anything cheaper and more comfortable? Don’t you fucking dare. Think of the pictures, ladies.

Whether you ask him via elaborate, homemade hand-delivered baked goods, a simple text, or drunk at the bar, your date is going to be an important part of the experience. Here’s a positive tip if you’re nervous: they rarely, if ever, say no. I mean hello, you’re inviting him to be on the arm of a gorgeous sorority girl and surrounded by 100 other slightly less gorgeous sorority girls, all in tight dresses. Throw in free-flowing liquor and the possibility of getting you naked later, and he’s got himself in the middle of any college guy’s wet dream. If he’s your longtime fratdaddy you’ve probably done this already, so you know the drill. If it’s a fresh new hookup, this will be the perfect opportunity to get drunk, introduce him to your friends, and find out if he’s boyfriend material. If your date is the token gay, well you might be the luckiest of all. His dance floor stamina is unparalleled and he’ll tell you over and over that you’re the most flawless girl in the room while gladly holding your heels and keeping track of your purse all night.

And possibly the very most helpful hint from yours truly: don’t forget, this is the last event of the semester. This means there are no more opportunities for you to be a sober sister, community service hours are done, and standards board is going home in a few days, so if your “best behavior” involves stumbling off the bus, yelling at the bartender who tries to cut you off, and getting behind the DJ booth, that’s OKAY! So ladies…glam up, grab your man, and go crazy one last time this semester. If you remember everything tomorrow, you did semi-formal semi-wrong.

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