In 1999 (otherwise known as the year some of you were born) Celine Dion came out with a song called “If Walls Could Talk,” and for whatever reason, I immediately loved it. The song is literally about people banging and doing, like, really fucking gross stuff between the sheets. It’s even more disgusting when you remember that she is married to a man who — and I could be wrong about this — was legally pronounced dead 23 years ago. It’s totally icky and sexual and I could not love it more if I tried.
So great, right? I know. But just because the song is totally amaze-balls, it doesn’t mean that it makes any fucking sense at all. Walls talking? Why is that the subject of a song? There are many things that should never talk, with walls being one of them. Others include empty bottles of wine, scales, and mirrors. Unfortunately for us, however, the days of mute inanimate objects now appear to be a thing of the past.
Enter: talking mirrors. Yes, you read that correctly.
Taking a page out of the Disney prop lot, Panasonic just unveiled a mirror that interacts with you. (No word on whether or not “fairest one of all” is in the vocabulary.) Basically it shows you what you’ll look like in different lighting (spoiler alert: no one looks good in fluorescent lighting) and where the apples of your cheeks are, but, I don’t know, something about this really weirds me out. It seems innocent enough as it is right now, but in my paranoid and self-hating mind, I see this developing into something less than ideal.
Basically my fear is that this seemingly helpful device is going to become some monster living in my bathroom. Scenarios include:
1. It taking a picture of me without makeup and blasting it out on social media.
2. That the little gremlin in the control room operating the mirror turns out to be a huge dick and only shows me what I look like in fluorescent lighting.
3. Greeting me with laughter every morning.
4. Sending my mother pictures of me passed out on my bathroom floor at 2 a.m. every Thursday to Monday.
5. Shattering. As in, I get the mirror installed and then it shatters the first time I look at it.
I’m so sorry, Panasonic, but I’m going to have to pass. Personally, at least for now, I’m going to keep it as God intended: with both my walls and my mirrors silent..