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There Are Basically Only Three Different Theme Parties

Theme Parties

Nothing in college gives better meaning to the phrase “dressed up to get messed up” more than theme parties. Contrary to playing dress up as a little kid, theme parties offer an escape from the boring routine of Norts and giant T-shirts, or the occasional pairing of jeans and real shirts when you have a good hair day.

The best types of theme parties can be categorized into three sections.

1. Cliché Themes

America
America is the greatest theme of all time, because a) all girls look better in red lipstick, and b) we live in the greatest country in the world. Why the hell wouldn’t we want to celebrate that?

Decades
These are the ’70s, ’80s, and ’90s parties we all love to hate. We love them because it means a night full of dancing to Backstreet Boys, Journey, or Blink-182. We hate them because we know we’ll inevitably spend hours piecing together the perfect ensemble. Why? Because you’re in desperate need of a new profile picture and the recruitment chair is already up you and your sisters’ asses for pictures for the open house slideshow. That’s why.

ABC
Anything but clothes parties are like decades parties on steroids. They take twice as long to get ready for, but they also look twice as good in pictures. Important things to note: NEVER duck tape a tube top to your body. (Remember the last Brazilian you got? Multiply that by about 96,259.) Also, NEVER wrap yourself in caution tape without a slip dress underneath–it will give a literal meaning to the phrase “tits out for the boys.” Lastly, Lilly bags are the best material to make skirts out of. You won’t be able to pee, but that’s overrated anyway.

Honorable Mentions: Jock Jams, Risky Business

2. Rhyming Themes

Tight And Bright
Tight and bright never fails to make the list, but timing is everything. You’re obviously not going to do it in winter or spring, because those seasons’ parties are meant for darker shades and pastels, respectively. The best time for a tight and bright throwdown is right when the school year begins. The goal here is to show off the smokin’ bod you worked hard on all summer and also your tan that makes you look like a Caribbean native.

Something Bros And Something Else Hoes
The bros and hoes parties are always a blast. My personal favorites are Golf Pros and Tennis Hoes, CEOs and Corporate Hoes, and GI Joes and Army Hoes. Keep in mind, the whole “hoes” term isn’t meant to offend anyone. It’s all in the name dressing up and getting drunk.

Country Hicks And Hoedown Chicks
Western themes are great no matter what time of year. Whether you’re rocking Daisy Dukes or a sundress, a proper pair of cowboy boots and a cowboy hat are absolute necessities. The only thing to be wary of are the “Save a Horse, Ride a Cowboy” creepers. Note: if some sketchball does try and hit on you with this line, you do have permission to punch him in the face.

Honorable Mentions: Rugged Loggers And Sexy Joggers, Librarians And Barbarians, Mathletes And Athletes

3. Completely Random Yet Undeniably Awesome Themes

Weather Related
Weather related themes are thrown together last minute depending on what kind of natural phenomenon is occurring that day. If you live in a bipolar region like myself, you’re quite familiar with these. In the event of a monsoon, the theme is Rainboots and Boxers. If there’s a snowpocalypse happening outside, the theme is Snowpants or No Pants. If you find yourself stuck in a raging heat wave, be prepared to throw Tops or Bottoms theme parties until it subsides.

Letter Parties
Letter parties are where we let our creative sides run rampant. The organizers agree upon a certain letter, “P” for instance, and everyone must dress up in something that begins with that letter. The next thing you know, you’ve got prisoners, pregnant girls, pageant girls, pandas, and popes all dancing on elevated surfaces together–and it’s the best thing that’s ever happened.

XYZ And Sluts
XYZ and sluts parties are 10,000 times better than most others. Why? Because anything you put in for the “XYZ” is hilarious. Astronauts and sluts? Okay. Ninjas and sluts? Why not? America’s founding fathers and sluts? Legendary. But just like the bros and hoes theme, the word “slut” should never be used in a derogatory manner. The moment a guy uses it with you in a non-joking way, you give that good ol’ Thomas Jefferson a swift kick to the balls.

Honorable Mentions: Catalina Wine Mixer, Kentucky Derby, High School Stereotypes, Get Hammered Or Get Nailed (construction themed)

The end of the year is upon us. Make these last parties count.

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Drunk but not in love

(@DrunkNOTinLove) is a die-hard Splenda addict who requires a constant supply of caffeine and male attention to make it through the day. After graduating with her degree in Economics, she now focuses her energy on adding a "Home" to her degree title by perfecting the "intelligent drunk," and conning a banker into marrying her one day. Originally from New England, she is a hardcore Boston sports fan, but only when boys are around. Almost all of her calories consumed Thursday - Saturday (and the occasional Tuesday) are from $7 bottles of Yellowtail Moscato, and in no way, shape, or form is she fazed by this. All forms of hate mail and date party inquiries can be sent to drunkbutnotinlove@gmail.com

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