The Worst Valentine’s Day Gifts

Ahhhhh, Valentine’s Day. The most romantic and/or disappointing day of the year. Fat girls everywhere will be spending this evening in a bar with their besties proclaiming that they don’t need men, go home and eat the entire box of Valentine’s chocolate that their Big bought for them, and spend the remainder of the night locked in their room crying over their vibrators. But for the rest of us, this should be a wonderful time of fighting with your boyfriend because you had high expectations and he bought you a shitty present like one of the following.


Flowers are a lovely accompaniment to your real present. Perhaps if you’re at the very beginning stages of a relationship, like 6 weeks or fewer, flowers can be the main event along with something small like a box of chocolates or stuffed animal or one of the other shitty generic gifts better suited for your little sister than your girlfriend that somehow became acceptable to give on V Day. Obviously roses are a safe bet, though to me they kind of say, “I don’t really know anything about you, but uhhh, girls like roses, so…here.” I think a better option is whatever her favorite flower is. If you don’t know, you could easily just creep and get her sorority’s flower. That’s super thoughtful. Even just any nice flower arrangement is a nice gesture. But carnations…unacceptable. I once got into a fight with my boyfriend for buying me carnations randomly on his way home from work. Sure he didn’t have to get me anything, and maybe I look like a huge bitch, but ya know what? Carnations are the cargo shorts of flowers, and if you’re not going to do it right, don’t do it at all. People like to say “it’s the thought that counts” but if a guy buys you carnations, he clearly doesn’t think very much about you. Anything that is sold on Valentine’s Day at a public high school or at a gas station for the last-minute douchebag boyfriend who forgot to pre-order an arrangement is a shitty gift. Carnations are NS.

An Engagement Ring

Now, I suppose this is a personal preference, but I just can’t help but feel that this is so cliche. As much as I think I want some sort of elaborate production for my proposal, I still don’t want to see it coming. I’m sort of one of those annoying girlfriends who single girls (or as I like to call them, the jealous future cat ladies of America) hate, who likes to use verbal PDA like “babeeeee” and over-celebrate unnecessary occasions like our two-week anniversary. I want the day of my engagement to be special. I want for years to come for it to be oooonnneee more special day that my Mr. Somebody will get in trouble for forgetting. Plus, the day AFTER your engagement should be all about you…telling everyone you know the story is just as important as the actual engagement. The day after Valentine’s day, you’re going to have to listen to your girlfriends’ stories of their evenings, and you’ll have to listen to your single girlfriends talk about how they spent the night with Ben and Jerry’s, wondering how they got so fat, and removing their cold black hearts through their throats. Terrible way to ring in the news.

Not An Engagement Ring

If your girlfriend is the type of girl who would like an engagement ring as a gift, and is expecting one…if you get her anything else, you’re fucked. I literally don’t care if you figured out a way to detach your penis whenever you leave her side so that she knows its safely under her watch, and you throw a parade in her honor to boot (though those aren’t bad ideas), if she’s expecting a proposal, anything else you do will fall short, and you will spend a significant amount of time making it up to her. So unless you enjoy being on your knees begging for forgiveness and listening to her continually tell you “I’m not mad” which clearly really means “I’ve never been more mad, you’re an idiot” I suggest you at least consider taking a trip to Tiffany if the relationship is headed in that direction.

A Wedding

If I want my engagement to be special, I DEFINITELY want my wedding day to be special. People think it’s romantic to do something big for your relationship on the holiday of love, but I think it’s a cop-out. If you get married on Valentine’s Day, that’s one fewer present you get every year, like the poor suckers who are born on Christmas, and your special day is everyone else’s special day too. Not to mention all the other couples are going to resent you for ruining their Valentine’s Day. It’s a selfish thing to do. I’m all for thinking I’m the only person who matters, but I’m also aware that everyone else thinks they’re the only person who matters too. I want everyone to care about me on my wedding day, and if you get married on Valentine’s Day, not only does no one care, but they probably hate you. Tacky, tacky, tacky.

Something That’s Also For You

This includes but is not limited to…a new TV, any type of furniture or work on the house, a panini press or any other kitchen appliances or lingerie, yes lingerie. I don’t mind, if that’s maybe a present in addition to something else, but if you’re buying a gift for ME, it should be for me. I have no problem fulfilling school girl or sexy nurse fantasies, but on my terms. I really don’t want to feel like I’m obligated to wear something stupid under the guise of “it’s a gift, I thought you’d like it.”

Something That’s Clearly Last Minute

I spoke to a man the other night, who for some reason was out at a bar instead of home with his family, who told me that for Valentine’s Day he was going to make lunch for the kids in the morning. WHAT! He said his wife would really like it. Sure, she probably would. Which is why you should just randomly do that on a day when you’re feeling like a nice guy. THAT IS NOT A VALENTINE’S DAY PRESENT. Call me old-fashioned, but I want something expensive to unwrap on the big day. You can absolutely buy my love. I tried to set him straight, and he told me he would pick up a SHIRT for her. I’ll let that sink in for a minute…he was GOING to buy her a SHIRT for Valentine’s Day. Congratulations asshole, you’re the most clueless man in America. I’d rather get nothing than something like a shirt. I’d be literally insulted if my boyfriend got me a shirt for Valentine’s Day. That’s not romantic, that’s not thoughtful, and if it’s ugly, I’m going to be obligated to wear it.

You may at this point be thinking, ok you high-maintenance bitch, so what’s left? And to that I say, you’d better figure it out. Love you so much baby, Happy Valentine’s Day!

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