The Two Types Of Wingmen

The Two Types of Wingmen

In an ideal world, friends would meet up with two attractive gentlemen during an evening out, shack, and leave the next morning for a delicious dining hall brunch. In the real world, there’s usually a misplaced wingman left behind. The wingman’s purpose is simple: to guarantee that his boy gets it in. However, most wingmen seem confused as to how to be normal human beings, an easy feat for most people. Wingmen tend to fall into two categories: the creeper or the watcher. Both are equally awkward when you’re hoping to MO, because they ruin the illusion you’ve maintained, that people aren’t staring at you.

A wingman’s job should be easy. He is to provide possibly made-up compliments about his bro, while he prevents cockblocking sorority sisters from dissuading her from the situation. The wingman is there to make it look like the guy in question is normal enough to have friends. If he were riding solo, it would reveal the obvious truth that he’s just hoping to slam. All the wingman has to do is guarantee a good time, make his excuses, and head home. Yes, the hope is that the wingman will find a slam of his very own, but sometimes that doesn’t occur. When that’s the case, he needs to know when to call it a night.

The first type of wingman, the creeper, thinks he’s going to get it in just because his buddy found a lady for the night. He doesn’t realize that just because your bestie is MO’ing in the corner doesn’t mean you’re DTF (down to fall in love, duh). This is especially true if the wingman isn’t as cute as your friend’s suitor. The creeper is usually someone you wouldn’t be caught dead speaking with otherwise, but because your friend is, ahem, busy, you’re stuck. While girls tend to travel in packs that are equally good-looking, in boy world, that’s not always the case. Fraternities tend to have a few rogue members that slipped through the cracks, because they’re a good time. It’s great that guys don’t discriminate, but that doesn’t mean you need to provide the good time guy with a good time of his own.

The second type of wingman is the boy who seems attached at the hip to his bro, despite the obvious signs that it’s time for him to hit the road. The watcher is a professional at lurking and making everyone around him uncomfortable. He seems unprepared to socialize without his friend, despite continued hints that he should head home. When a wingman doesn’t leave the premises and is unable find a lady drunk enough to call his own, things get weird. The wingman is left watching his friend mack or MO, which isn’t a comfortable situation for anyone.

It’s just such a shame that these guys don’t get it. Obviously a dirty dance floor or the fraternity house porch is not the most romantic place in the world, but if you’re drunk enough it can work, and the lurking can easily ruin the mood and prevent penetrations. Even if you are drunk enough, a bad wingman can ruin any MOment.


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Fleur de Lilly

Fleur de Lilly (@margaretabrams) is a contributing writer for Total Sorority Move and Post Grad Problems. When she's not corrupting her big's baby, she can be found decoding texts, gravitating towards raised surfaces, and spending time with her gentleman caller, Jack Daniels. She loves Lilly, Louisiana, and her lineage.

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