My slowly diminishing bank account balance gives me constant anxiety, because, let’s face it, my dad doesn’t actually hand me money. Unfortunately, no matter how much I try and play the Veruca Salt card and say “I want it nowwwww,” it just doesn’t work. Here’s what goes through my mind everytime I log on to check my balance:
9:00pm: Alright, I’ve pre-gamed a little bit. At least enough to log into my online banking.
9:03pm: Okay, I’m doing a shot then typing in my username. Why is my security image snowshoes? That’s so lame. Okay, you can do this. Type it in. It won’t be that bad. Like ripping off a Band-Aid.
9:05pm: Okay, I have to figure out how much money I can spend tonight. I won’t overdraft if I come within six cents of zero balance right? That would be so embarrassing.
9:05pm: Whatever, I’ll just open up my tab then cancel my card tomorrow. Shit, that won’t work; I’m at the same bar every night. They know me. I wonder if debt collectors carry weapons.
9:06pm: Okay, enter security password. I’ll just squint my eyes while the page is loading, OMG our fucking internet went out. This is a joke.
9:08pm: Okay, this isn’t terrible. I can work with this for the weekend.
9:09pm: Wait. I think Taco Bell charged me twice! OMG, my card was stolen. Yes, I can dispute all these charges.
9:12pm: Fuck, no. I paid for Jenny. Is it too cheap if I ask her to pay me back for a three-dollar slushie?
9:13pm: That’s it. I’m getting serious about my finances. No more offering to buy rounds.
9:20pm: Hey, mom, its me, I need to pay my rent like yesterday. I get paid on Friday, I promise! Please, please put money in my account.
9:22pm: It’s fine, I’ll just transfer some from my savings growth account. Fuck, zero balance? Come on. Why did I think I would be okay with starving to death as long as I had that new Lilly shift? Note for my future shopping addicted self, sacrificing food for clothing is only a win-win in the store.
9:25pm: How fast can I apply for a credit card? Do I even have credit?
9:27pm: Okay, if I put on sunglasses and a disguise I can take my coins to coin star. There’s probably fifty dollars of nickels in my car somewhere.
9:29 Why did I spend $50 at target? Did I think I was some kind of queen? I would definitely swap that neon skinny belt for a bottle of wine right now.
9:33pm: What’s Target’s policy on returning magazines? It was just a Cosmo. They all say the same thing anyway.
9:35pm: Okay, I can mooch off of my friends for one night. I’ll pretend I left my card at home. Fuck, no that’s terrible and everyone calls you out.
9:35pm: Text from mom? “I’ll put in ten dollars. I gave you a brain and long legs, put them to use and get a guy to buy you a drink.”
9:35pm: Can I get him to buy me cheese fries instead? Ugh whatever. I’ll figure it out.