It has recently come to my attention that the bumbling fool that TFM has hired as a summer intern has taken to the internet to vent about me. I was wondering why he wasn’t at work today, as he is usually supposed to show up at 6 AM to clean all of the writers’ computers, but I thought that he had finally quit. As it turns out, he’s sitting at home and spewing so much shit that his asshole is jealous like some sort of internet troll. If you haven’t read the piece of published trash, which I do not recommend, I’ll break it down for you.
“I’ll start off with saying that I’m a TFM intern and a pretty suave guy, capable of holding his own with the ladies. I’ve got a full head of hair, interesting things to say, am well-read, like sports, have traveled outside of my home state, and have a joke or two up my sleeve.”
There is absolutely no way any of this is true. Listening to him stutter his way through a pitch meeting or seeing him fully shut down at the mere sight of Dorn is enough to prove his statement completely false.
“I got nervous when I met her, and went in for this weird bro hug type of thing, to which she bristled and slowly backed away.”
The weird bro hug I could handle. It was the subsequent giggling comment about how he could “feel my bra” that caused me to back away.
“At about noon that day, I invited her out to lunch. She respectfully declined, saying that she’d already made plans with other people. Fair enough. I asked if she was free for lunch the next day, and, wouldn’t you know it, your boy was going on a hot lunch date in 24 hours. I didn’t sleep that night.”
A part of me pities him. I wanted to let him down easy but he was persistent. And by persistent, I mean I saw tears well up in his eyes when I said no so I felt like I had to say yes. I didn’t sleep that night either, in fear that he was watching me.
“Fast forward to The Lunch Date, when I took her to a place that showed I had money, but wasn’t trying to show off: Chili’s.”
He literally said this to me. “I want to show you I have money, but I’m not trying to show off.” Tacky AF.
“I started up the conversation by saying I got so mad in the traffic on the way there, I could have run somebody over. Turns out her sister frickin’ died in that exact fashion, so there were like four minutes of deafening silence after that.”
Yeah, I just said this to make him feel bad. I never had a sister. That was my bad.
“I was relieved when the chips and guac arrived, as I had already downed four beers in order to prove how manly I was. Plenty of chips and two more beers later, lunch was served.”
Six beers could get anyone drunk, but this kid’s eyes were rolling in the back of his head. After the first four, he was wrecked, so I secretly told the waitress to give him non-alcoholic beers for the rest of our lunch. I have no idea if he was acting or if the four from before had a delayed affect.
“She was still being kind of standoffish, which definitely wasn’t exacerbated by the fact that I ended up having to leave my car at Chili’s and take a taxi back to the office with her — right according to plan.”
I think he wanted me to go home with him, but we still had another half of a day of work. I really wasn’t following his logic.
“Dorn sent me home at 2 for being wasted…So what if I was “disrupting the work environment” and “wouldn’t stop taking my shirt off?” I was in love.”
I can’t say I’m not flattered, but if I had to ask him to stop following me to the bathroom one more time, then I was going to have to hit him.
“Over the rest of the work week, I was coy and methodical in my approach, negging the shit out of that girl. I would tell her she looked pretty, only to follow it up with some boss insults. I never went too over-the-top, as I wouldn’t want to jeopardize all that we had.”
“You look pretty Ali, but not as pretty as DEEZ NUTS.” Yeah. Boss insult, dude.
“Thursday night, I stayed up watching all the Rocky films, even Rocky V. I needed the motivation to finally ask Ali out, but I stayed up so late that I ended up oversleeping and missing the first four hours of work.”
It was the best four hours of my life. I forgot what it was like to not have to be on watch for someone trying to cut off and collect bits of my hair.
“I headed in to work early that afternoon, and finally did it: I asked her on a date. When she rolled her eyes and said “Fine,” I was completely overtaken with more joy and wonder than ever before — and this is coming from a guy who has seen Criss Angel perform live north of six times.”
If someone is willing to go through that much trouble to ask me out, I might as well give them a chance. I had never been asked out on a date before and I thought it was sweet. I did roll my eyes, but it was in a nice way. Like a “ok, you got me.” I did smile a little bit when he fist pumped. That was cute.
“Ali canceled on me, saying she was feeling sick. I know she wasn’t sick because I saw her at Planet Fitness later! She’s a friggin’ bitch, man.”
NOT true. I don’t even work out, so how would he have seen me at the gym? I got all ready to go, he insisted we were going somewhere better than Chili’s, mainly because he was banned from the premises after the Lunch Date, but he never showed. Such a waste of false eyelashes.
Ball’s in your court, Wes..