During the first week, God created heaven and earth and all the myriad creatures and Adam and Eve, and He saw that it was good. But He wanted better than “good,” so in all His infinite wisdom the All-mighty created Perfection: and He called it a Sorority. When the first Sratstar descended from Mount Psi-Nu, she bore a Lilly planner in which He had used His favorite pink gel pen to write guidelines for the Sratstar, and thus the Ten Commandments of Srat were Born.
1. Thou Shalt Love thy Sisters
Thou shalt cherish and love thy sisterhood above all other things. Thou shalt comfort thy sisters through the loss of Fratdaddies past, and rejoice with them through the acquisition of new bottles of tequila. Thou shalt confide all thy secrets in thy sisters, share their clothes, and hold their hair back when they’ve had too many. Thou shalt even love and honor the members of thy sorority who you don’t really like that much at all. And of course, the Sratstar shall worship her Big, the source of all knowledge, and obsess over thy Little to a degree that shall cause geeds to question thy sanity and sexual orientation.
2. Thou Shalt be Classy
The Sratstar shall always conduct herself with grace and decorum. Parents, professors, and potential employers shall all be utterly charmed by her. From her Lilly dresses to her ballerina-perfect posture to her flawless manners, the sorority woman shall be the symbol of everything a lady should be.
3. Thou Shalt be Hot
The Sratstar was first given the Holy Bid because she had some raw material to work with, but she shall also pour time, energy, and money into maintenance. She shall exercise like crazy, and eat a perfectly healthy, balanced diet… most of the time. She shall never be seen without her hair and make-up done, and she shall clothe herself in srattire. She shall model a rainbow of norts, at Chapter she shall be the perfect example of chic business casual, and at all times she shall be positively dripping with pearls, Yurman, and Tiffany. And all the boys will love the Sratstar, because she is hot.
4. Thou Shalt Be Domestic
While the Sratstar has many talents outside of the domestic sphere, her hobbies shall also display her potential to be a perfect wife and mother. She shall craft, bake, cook, and clean in such a way as shall draw favorable comparisons to Martha Stewart. The Sratstar shall display the refinement of her domestic taste amongst the other sorority women through Pinterest.
5. Thou Shalt Drink
Sometimes, on a very special occasion, such as a weekend, holiday, birthday, stressful day, boring day, or any celebration whatsoever, the Sratstar shall consume alcohol. After a few shots, her personality will magically change, her sense of decorum shall fade away, and she shall become a Hot Mess. The drunk sorority girl will text obscenely dirty things, dance on any surface that will hold her weight, and make out with anything in a bow-tie. She will awake the next morning pretending to regret everything, but she shall continue this behavior four nights a week for her entire college career. The Greek System will politely ignore the fact that she is a Hot Mess more than half the time, and shall continue to refer to her as a lady. Through the magic of alcohol, all of the insanely unclassy things the Sratstar has done while drunk shall be forgiven… unless she gets sent to Standards.
6. Thou Shalt Love Fratstars
When she tires of constant re-runs of Say Yes to the Dress, requests to proofread text messages, and group online shopping, the Sratstar shall venture outside of the Sratcastle seeking non-female companionship. There, she shall find the Fratstar. The sorority woman loves everything about the Fratstar, from his smelly Sperrys up to his Costas, and she shall spoil and adore him the same way his mother does. She shall bake cookies for him and paint him coolers, and she shall drive herself crazy trying to decipher his emotions. The Fratstar shall be charming and polite and affectionate half the time, and a drunken raging asshole the other half of the time. And the Sratstar shall love it.
7. Thou Shalt Shack
When the Fratstar and Sratstar imbibe enough of God’s greatest gift, alcohol, the Fratstar shall lure the Sratstar to his lair, sweet-talk her out of her panties, and they shall shack. After said shacking the Lady shall add another shackshirt to her wardrobe, and the Gentleman shall magically transform into an unresponsive jerk.
8. Thou Shalt Judge
The Sratstar shall define herself by comparisons with others, and in all comparisons she shall come out ahead. She shall judge geeds the most, followed by members of other sororities, reality tv stars, PNMs, bossy older sisters, uppity younger sisters, and finally, members of her PC who don’t volunteer for philanthropy events. She shall consider it her right to complain about anyone and everyone not in her presence at any given time, and she and her sisters shall bond over their mutual hatred, and use it to feed their sense of entitlement and self-worth. However, she shall draw a distinction between judgment of sisters—which is always temporary and quickly forgotten in the spirit of loving sisterhood—and judgment of all others, which can be permanent. And of course, she shall carefully hide this side of her personality from anyone outside of her own house, because being a self-centered, judgmental bitch isn’t classy.
9. Thou Shalt Give Many Fucks
At the same time, the Sratstar shall care very deeply about everything around her. She shall care about many silly, insignificant things, such as the slogan on an event poster or Kate Middleton’s most recent outfit. However, she will also care deeply for her chapter’s philanthropy, her community, her school, and her family. When a sister needs her, she shall drop everything to be there for her. Deep down, her heart shall be filled with love.
10. Thou Shalt Be Fabulous
Finally, the Sratstar shall be fabulous. From her clothes to her attitude to her sense of humor, she will draw others to her and add sparkle to their lives, both literally through an excessive use of glitter, and figuratively, through her sparkling personality. Younger sisters shall look up to her, and older sisters shall be proud of her, and every girl who meets her during recruitment shall want to kill to be her new best friend.
The Sratstar passed the wisdom of the 10 Commandments to her Little, so that she too would know how to srat, and her Little passed them on to her own Little, in an unbroken chain throughout all of time. Amen.