If I have learned one thing at college–besides how to go from day drinking to night drinking without puking, how to sneak out of a fraternity undetected in the morning, and how to survive formal with both of my shoes–it’s how to deal with the creepiest of the creepy guys. Sure, there were a few who messaged you on Facebook too many times or sent you the “Good morning, beautiful :)” texts every single day without fail. You could handle that, even if you didn’t want to. But there wasn’t much that could have prepared you for the certain type of clingy guys who exist in college. Guys are notorious for calling girls clingy whenever they slightly detect something more than sex could be involved. You said hi to him on campus in broad daylight? Soberly? You fucking stalker. Every girl can be a tad obsessive sometimes, but that’s not really news to anyone. In high school, clingy guys were almost cute because of how pathetic they were–but those guys no competition to these all-stars.
The Bar Bandit
It’s 4 p.m. on a Friday and you’re just finishing up at your favorite bar’s afternoon happy hour. You’re celebrating because you just discovered you totally nailed (read: didn’t bomb) your econ midterm when your phone starts blowing up.
“You going out tonight?”
“Let’s meet up”
“Shots on me”
It’s him, the guy who LOVES you when he’s drunk. He’s well-known at any bar for being the unnecessarily loud guy who beats his chest after taking two watered down shots back to back. You spot him when you’re out, realize you’re unable to avoid eye contact, and only have a brief second to mouth “save me” to your sisters before getting caught right underneath his arm. If you survive his interrogation about why you don’t have a drink in your hand and what you plan to drink with him and only him, you manage to slide away to a different part of the room. That is, until he swoops in again, pulls the same routine until 2 a.m. rolls around, and starts acting thoroughly offended when you refuse to go home with him. Newsflash: alcohol doesn’t equal my pants coming off. At least, not for you.
The Class Creeper
This lovely gentleman would have to be the most similar in comparison to the high school clingers. Yet, your heart still drops into your stomach when your professor tells you to break into groups–you can already hear him tripping over himself to get next to you. He doesn’t say much, unless it’s on social media or if it’s to ask to borrow things. Pencils, pens, calculators, gum: whatever it is, he needs it so he can look at your beautiful face for a whole four seconds. When the day is over, he rushes to his computer so he can ask you what the homework was over Twitter. Again. For the sixth week in a row. You would think the guy would learn to take a note or two on what it was after asking for every writing utensil you carry in your bag. After homework, it’s onto talking about class. Yes, the professor’s a bitch. Yes, she grades really hard. No, I didn’t understand that prompt either. For the love of God, if this is going to be an everyday occurrence, can we at least talk about something unrelated to this class? He’s harmless, really, but you always feel uncomfortable sitting down in that class knowing that two eyes are going to be burning into the back of your head the whole time. Be nice though–you never know when he could come in handy for your deteriorating grade later in the semester.
The Appearing Act
Probably the most terrifying guy on the list, the Appearing Act is creepy enough to make even Eunice from “She’s The Man” shiver. He’s everywhere. LITERALLY everywhere. Campus, gym, bars, parties–you name it, he’s there. You begin asking yourself if you really see him that much, or if your mind is so trained to look for him that you almost begin seeking him out in large crowds just in case. You’ve learned to not post anything you’re doing online, knowing he could pop up at any given moment to do nothing but stand around and give you an awkward wave when you accidentally look at him. He’s like the guy your parents warned you about in middle school who would use all your Internet information to track you down, except he has a network of brothers who must send out some type of notification to him whenever they see you anywhere. You thought it was a pretty odd coincidence until you tweeted you were going to get your nails done and he showed up insisting he needed a chest wax. Riiiiiiiight.
The Crushing Casanova
He seems drippingly sweet at first, but then you begin suffering from the cavities. He gives you free drinks, sober rides at all hours of the night, date party invites, constant texts, check-in phone calls, the whole shebang. It would really be romantic…if he had been your boyfriend for a couple years. Too bad you’ve met him only a couple times at some fraternity and you’re 98 percent sure he’s a pledge. You seriously consider taking advantage of his bubbling emotions by making him bow to your every command, but your ice cold heart actually feels a pang of guilt for this guy. It’s not everyday you meet someone as adorably obsessed with you as he is. Your friends give you the constant “Awww, but that’s kinda cute!” as if it’s some justification to how Jimmy John’s just showed up on your doorstep when you were complaining how hungry you were to him via text five minutes ago. Cute? Maybe. Creepy? Definitely. Convenient? Can I get a hell yeah? I’m only kidding, but really, it’s obvious that he means well. It’s just a shame that he’s only 18 and a half and hasn’t discovered the weight room yet. Oh well, you might just have to throw him a pity makeout one of these days. Like next year.
The SeriouslyDudeWeHookedUpOneFuckingTime Guy
Seriously? Seriously. It was one fucking time. Never happening again. I still don’t know your name.