There’s only one day a year that I truly enjoy Facebook – my birthday. There’s something magical about watching the notification number go up as those near and dear to you (and those you barely know) make posts on your wall wishing you a happy birthday in hopes that it will be the “best one yet!” As I watch that little red number go up on my phone when I celebrate my birthday this weekend, I know that when I finally take a break from taking shots and yelling at people to watch me whip and nae nae because “IT’S MY FUCKING BIRTHDAY,” there will be quite a wide variety of people who took the
time three seconds to wish me a happy birthday, likely while they were in the bathroom.
- Your besties.
With the requisite photo collages where they look hot, of course. This will also posted on Insta because who the hell actually looks at Facebook anymore?
- A guy from high school you haven’t talked to since you graduated…but always KNEW he had a thing for you.
Because he totally just remembered my birthday on his own, since he’s obviously been in love with me forever.
Really, Mom? You could at least pick up the phone and call to wish me a happy birthday. I mean, I won’t answer since A.) I never answer my phone and B.) I don’t need to hear about the pain I put you through during your 47-hour labor, yet again this year. But still, you are my MOTHER – make an effort.
- The person who has the same birthday as you that you only talk to once a year.
Sorry, I don’t share my birthday with anyone. You don’t exist in my world.
- Your aunt saying “your card’s in the mail!”
Well, thanks for ruining that surprise, Aunt Beth. Want to tell me what you got me for Christmas while you’re at it?
- The guy you blatantly rejected a few weeks ago.
What part of “I’m not interested” don’t you understand? Stalker.
- The guy who blatantly rejected you a few weeks ago.
So…um…you wanna hang out sometime?
- Everyone in your new member class.
I was locked in the basement with those bitches for four straight days during hell week. They best remember my birthday.
- The fraternity guys whose apartment you lived in that one summer.
Yeah, if you could not mention that one night that I made out with all of you, that would be great. My mom reads this.
- The former coworker who still tells people he could have gotten with you if you were single then.
Listen, Dan from Target, just because I once said you were cute when we got drunk on Bud Light Margaritas during break doesn’t mean I wanted to date you.
- The guy you went to high school with who is totally hot now.
- Your chapter advisor.
Aw, that’s sweet. I mean, I still don’t forgive you for the time I got called to standards because I danced on the table at formal sans undies, but still, that’s nice.
- The sister you can’t stand, but she somehow doesn’t get it.
It would probably be rude to reply that I’m sorry every other girl in the chapter was invited to my birthday bash except you, right? Yeah, I’ll just let you figure that out when I post a zillion pictures of it when I wake up four days later.
- The girl you went to high school with that you never hung out with.
I’m not really sure why we are Facebook friends, much less like each other’s pictures all of the time, but that’s cool.
- The guy you are in a “kinda-sorta-I-don’t-really-know-what’s-going-on” relationship with.
If he doesn’t show up for your party, but sends you a “You up?” text at 2:36am that night, you now know what’s going on.
- Your cousin’s mom’s sister.
Um, how do I know you again?.