A cockblock is a universally loathed individual who prevents a friend from scoring. When you picture a cockblock, you probably see a drunk frat guy with a fresh beer and a loud mouth, giving his boy shit about that one time he sang every word to Unwritten, then proceeded to puke off the balcony. He’ll pretty much say anything embarrassing enough to prevent his friend from getting some action. What you might not always consider is that there are female equivalents to these assholes. Behold the Twatswat. Twatswatting comes in all shapes and sizes, but most commonly in the following six:
1. Debby Downer
Debby Downer is one of your closest friends, but to be honest, she’s kind of a prude. She always monitors her alcohol intake a bit too closely, and she never does anything standards-worthy. Debby is a man-hater, like Rosie O’Donnell or a number of other intimidating lesbians. No matter what guy you’re talking to, Debby disapproves. Which is totally okay, except for the fact that she’s being incredibly upfront about the situation and she’s telling you to ditch the guy…right in front of him. You’ve previously come to terms with the fact that Debby loves to be the mom figure and act like you’re way more intoxicated than you actually are, but when she interrupts you and the gentleman caller who’s about to buy you your third bomb, you’ve pretty much had enough of her. Ditch the bitch.
You’ve been talking to a guy for a while, and things are looking pretty good. Enter Barbie. She looks like a model, sporting an obnoxious laugh and a slight alcohol dependancy. She’s lost count of how many vodka cranberries she’s thrown back, and though she’s too uptight to actually go home with a guy, she wants everyone’s attention. While you’re off having an intelligent conversation with a guy, she’s flouncing around, interrupting everyone and inserting herself into situations she has no business involving herself in. She’ll come up to you and your suitor, looking to steal him. She isn’t even seriously interested in him; she’s just that much of a bitch that she wants to watch him ditch you to listen to her gab about that one time she posed for her mom’s friend’s boutique, so she’s technically a model. Barbie is a spiteful piece of shit and she should be banished.
3. Plutonic Male Friend
Every girl has that guy friend who — though she’d never consider dating him — totally wants to bang her. This guy is so protective of you that he feels the need to step in whenever you’re showing the slightest bit of interest in a new guy. He’s like a big brother, except there’s a sexual tension between the two of you that he tends to take a bit too seriously. Maybe you’ve made out with him once or twice, but he’s so friendzoned that he falls under the same category as your girlfriends. He’ll give the guy you’re chatting up a hard time, later claiming that it was “for your own good,” because the guy was “a total douche.” You want to be mad at him for being overprotective and shooing away your potential slam, but let’s be honest, you guys are probably going to get married someday.
4. Hot Mess
Of all the cockblocks you’ll endure, the worst is the friend acting like a total drunken moron who inevitably needs to be taken care of. It’s gotten to the point where she can’t compose herself. Her idiotic behavior makes you guilty by association. All you wanted to do was have a pleasant conversation with the hot guy who is drinking what happens to be your favorite beer, when Hot Mess starts drunkenly spilling shit all over the place and telling complete strangers embarrassing things about her sex life. This is the point in time when your best friend becomes your worst enemy. Sure, she’s making you look really good by comparison, but that doesn’t change the fact that she put you in charge of her well-being when she slammed that last tequila shot, pushing her over the edge. Nothing is more irritating than having to leave a guy to take care of your friend who took one too many pulls and is acting completely belligerent. Where is Debby when you need her?
5. The Self-Block
You’re not getting laid, and you have no one to blame but yourself. Maybe it’s because you wear sweatpants six days of the week, or because you haven’t actually seen your hairbrush since last Tuesday. Maybe you get too drunk and cry to strangers about your future. Or maybe you like to take jokes to the point of no return, singlehandedly offending everyone in the room in a matter of seconds. Whatever your offense, you were your own buzzkill. That, my friend, is something you’re going to have to live with when you’re stuck cradling the remains of a Subway sandwich as you fall asleep later.
6. Rightful Block
Rightful Block is your best friend, the girl you trust more than any other bitch you hang out with. She knows who you’ve hooked up with and, more importantly, who you regret hooking up with. You should probably listen to her, because beer goggles are definitely a real thing. If your friend has a legitimate reason for preventing you from going home with a guy, it’s possible that he’s a total loser. Don’t get mad at her for pulling you away from a guy if he has an eyepatch or one too many tribal tattoos. I have this problem somewhat often because I have a thing for weirdos. I can never tell if a guy is a safe amount of weird, or if I’m going to discover that he has herpes and nunchucks in a frame above his bed. The rightful block is your friend for a reason, and if you don’t listen to her you could wake up next to a guy who tucks his T-shirts into his underwear and hangs Justin Bieber posters on his bedroom walls. Love your wingwoman and listen to her when she tells you it’s time to retire for the night.