Dear beautiful best friend who is being used like a Solo cup at a tailgate,
I’ll begin by saying that I’ve always been your biggest cheerleader and the eternal optimist in your disastrous dating life. (Well, if we can even call it dating — it’s more like a string of hookups that end with you binge drinking away your sadness as I feed you shots and tell you how amazing you are.) However, you’re self-destructive and I need you to see it.
Don’t get me wrong, you are amazing. You’re smart and pretty, and best of all, you’re my friend. The real qualm here is that you chase these absolutely terrible men. I’m no expert on relationships, but you need an intervention. I want to shout at you, “Do less!” but that would probably end in our friendship doing less, so I will put it gently. Just kidding, I won’t. Do less.
Stop lowering your self-worth for these worthless guys. Remember the one who ignored you for weeks and then wanted you to come over at 2:30 a.m. like a late-night delivery service? Do you recall the two-month hookup who asked a rival sorority girl to formal? Or the one who asked for “pics” that would make a porn star blush? If he can’t even spell out pictures, he’s not getting any. He shouldn’t be getting any, regardless. Quit responding to these guys so that we can quit having conversations like this and focus on talking about our spring break diets and things that matter.
It’s really hard to watch you travel through this ridiculous maze of a not-relationship. I know you can’t see the bird’s-eye view of how awful he is, but you need to be hit with the reality stick and you need to have your phone confiscated until further notice. My roommate once grabbed me by my face and said, “Stop it. He’s NOT interested and he’s NOT worth it.” It’s my turn to do this to you. This boy (I refuse to call him a man because he is far from it) treats you terribly. You deserve so much better, and the way he acts makes me want to shank him. Stop giving him the time of day and drop him like a class with mandatory attendance.
If you answer yes to any of the following questions, you need to lock it up and stop.
1. Do you often show me texts that are outrageously mean and say, “So how do I respond?”
2. Do you morph from having a thousand amazing qualities into a jellyfish and let the steamrolling jerk of the week do whatever he wants?
3. Have you said, “I’m done with him” or, “it’s seriously over now” to me more than once…a week?
If you’re shaking your head “no” to these, I’m standing behind you shouting “YES!”
No matter how hard I try, I cannot make you see the problems you are creating for yourself. I can, however, take the alternative, less mature route and make you see how embarrassing you’re being and show you how much better you deserve. You deserve someone who sees you how I do, except in a non-lez way.
I miss my friend. You used to be confident and silly — now, you’re honestly kind of a drag. This guy is killing your buzz and he’s killing mine, too, which is causing some real problems. Promise me you’ll stop texting him back if he’s not treating you with respect, and stop sneaking around to see him, because we’re sharing our location indefinitely and I can see you. I want you to find an amazing, well-tanned, Channing Tatum-like man, not this average dad-body jerk we’re dealing with right now.
I love you, but I hate him,
Your bestie 4L
P.S.: Come over so we can drink and go out..