Breaking: America is currently trapped in a live action version of Frozen. Snowmageddon has left half the country bundled up, binging on Netflix, chugging hot chocolate, and dreaming of Ryan Gosling in our beds (for warmth purposes only, obviously).
Everyone knows that the best way to stay warm isn’t sitting by an actual fire, but with Fireball shots. Not near a blanket? Quick, create a booze blanket of your own. Drink enough daquiris to convince yourself you’ve made it to a tropical paradise, despite what the forecast (and your Instagram feed) says.
If you find yourself going
snow stir crazy while trying to survive the snowpocalypse, here are some handy reasons to get blackout in the blizzard (if you needed reasons other than school being cancelled and a bottle of vodka that’s begging to be finished before it goes bad):
To get faded and not frostbitten, drink every time…
- Someone Instagrams the temperature. What filter does “wintry mix” look best in?
- One of your Facebook friends posts a picture of their preparations. Drink double if their purchases include wine, because no one should be drinking alone.
- Someone questions global warming sarcastically. If someone questions it and they’re
delusionalserious, pour yourself a double.
- One of your neighbors walks outside, looks for snow, and dejectedly wanders back inside like Charlie Brown. Why don’t they just check Twitter like the rest of us?
- You see a a dog frolicking in the snow. Give up. It’s a puppy in a nicer coat than yours.
- A passerby slips on ice. You can laugh, but only if it’s your friend. Pull straight from the bottle if it’s you.
- The meteorologist explains how to dress for cold temperatures like she’s talking to a bunch of overgrown toddlers who’ve never heard of gloves.
- Said meteorologist poses with a glorified puddle, attempting to convince the audience it’s an icicle.
- Said meteorologist looks ridiculous in her parka in actual snow.
- Your Floridian friend screenshots the 80 degree forecast or the beach. Sure, it may be beautiful, but it’s still Florida.
- Pour a tequila shot when someone says a snow day is the perfect excuse to catch up on work. You need to be doubly drunk to make up for their productivity.
- Someone tweets that they want someone to cuddle with. Suggest they grow out their leg hair and hibernate for winter instead of trolling for potential partners on Twitter
- A southerner mistakes sleet for snow.
- You see someone in (f)Uggs, unaware that they’re bound to get ruined by the snow, turning from cozy foot warmers into soaking wet icicles.
- Throw back a Smirnoff Ice every time you hear the term “polar vortex.” Same goes for anyone saying they “can’t even” with winter this year. Actually, in that case, you should ice them.
- Someone mentions how cold it is, like you were unaware (guaranteed blackout).