The Perks Of Being The Rebound Girl

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When debating with my girlfriends, the idea of being some dudes rebound hookup is met with a resounding NO THANKS. No one realizes the potential in that situation. Could it be that I was forced into this opinion by experience? Maybe. I have ended up as the rebound for dumped boyfriends and fiancés alike (stories for another day). And while I may be a magnet for recently dumped men, I’m here to tell all the single ladies out there about the perks of this lifestyle. 

Dumped boys can go one of two ways. The first kind gets clingy or delusional. The girl who stomped on his heart while wearing stilettos is the only thing on his mind. While contemplating all of life’s disappointments, he gets shockingly drunk with his brothers. In the spirit of giving, every guy he’s out with will try to wingman for him and ensure he takes home at least a strong 6. Sure, it can be flattering to be bought drinks by four different guys all night. And hearing about how great their friend is doesn’t seem like that bad of a trade-off. Do not be fooled! This rebounder is absolutely the worst. Stay away from him at all costs. Well… have his friends buy you drinks, but then get TF out of there. 

The second kind of guy on the rebound is who you want to look for. This guy is slightly pissed at being dumped (not scary angry, but enough to ensure a great night in the sack). He will try to spit game and will most likely fail, which is endearing in the same kind of way as when you see a video of a puppy that’s so excited to go outside that he trips and falls on his face while running towards the door. This is your chance to cuddle the shit out of that puppy. 

When your rebounding man has flirted his little heart out and successfully got you to his place, the real benefits kick in. Most importantly: the sex. Sex is gonna be better with a recently single dude. He will try his hardest to impress. He’s back in the game and proving his worth to the team. Use this to your advantage and make him work. Foreplay? Have him show you what else that tongue is good for besides talking. Positions? Call out your favorites because he’ll try anything. Time in action? You better believe he’s trying to make this last for a new record. His goal is to prove to you, and himself, how much of a sex god he is. All he wants to hear is how amazing it was, so he will put in the effort. 

But wait! The benefits don’t stop there! If you correctly identified the perfect rebounder, perks continue. This guy is used to being in a loving relationship, meaning he’s already conditioned with certain behaviors. Like Pavlov’s dogs (shoutout Psych majors), you just have to ring the bell to get him drooling. Drop a line like “My head is pounding” and you’ll have a full glass of water and 2 Advil by the bedside. He’ll toss you a big t-shirt because he’s used to his old girl wanting pajamas. If you’re really lucky, a pizza order is already saved on his phone from the amount of nights his ex begged for some cheesy goodness when the drunchies hit hard. And now he’s set up for delivery arriving in 15 minutes.

While the bonding hormones naturally released after sex (thanks, oxytocin) are boiling in this boys belly and he’s running through his old relationship-y routines, he is falling into the best trap of all. The Feels. Now, please note, starting a real relationship based on a rebound is about as likely as you actually marrying your celebrity crush and having said marriage not end in divorce. So, if you’re the kind of girl who likes to hit it and quit it, then grab a slice of pizza to go. But, if you’re a cuddler, if you fall asleep best with some manly arms wrapped around you, if you love being the little spoon more than life itself, you just created the ultimate snuggler. He has all these feelings and he doesn’t know what to do with them. Capitalize on his weakness by putting on Netflix or a good Spotify playlist. Before you know it, he’ll be running his fingers through your hair until you drift off into a perfect dreamland. 

One of the best parts of the right rebound guy is that in the morning, there are no strings. You can bro out with him if that’s your style or you can get out early and grab a ride home before he wakes up. Either way, you can’t lose. So next time the opportunity presents itself, why not revel in the benefits of someone else’s heartbreak? God knows that guys will keep doing it to you. Time to return the favor. 

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