The Order of Fraternal Girlfriends

You start dating a super cutie boyyyyy. He’s passed all the tests. Your Big likes him, your Little is already calling him Dad, he’s super funny, and smart, and rich, and all that good stuff. Perfecto. All you have to do is impress his friends, right? Wrong. Impressing his friends shouldn’t be hard. If you’re hot, they’ll be impressed. They don’t care much about what you have to say. If you’re not noticeably high maintenance in front of them, they’re not going to have any reason to dislike you. So you just be your perfect little self (hiding the crazy) and you’re in. Right? Wrong.

Within the fraternal dating world, exists a certain…clique, a hierarchy, if you will. And it is MUCH more exclusive and tougher to get into than a sorority is, because sororities actually want new members: the order of the girlfriends. If you wanna be his lover, you gotta get with his friends’…girls. As you’re well-aware, girls are possessive, exclusive, and bitchy. They are super protective of their men, and you’re either one of them…or you ain’t. You don’t just become a girlfriend and automatically get a bid to their little club. You will first go through an initiation process, much different than the “omg STOP! Samesies. Let’s do lunch” to which you’re accustomed. It will be a strict period of judgment and fakeness that you think you’re prepared for…but you won’t be. You’re used to acting this way, but this time, you’ll be the victim, and you’ll be the victim alone.

First there is the head bitch. This is the girlfriend who has been dating her boyf since freshman year, is besties with his entire pledge class, and has probably been sweetheart before. She will be really nice to you. She will not actually like you. There will be a circle of long-term girlfriends right underneath her. This is the main elite clique, and they know it, and they are harshly judging newcomers. Note: these girls, don’t actually have other friends. They are best friends, their boyfriends are best friends, the single guys in the group are still their best friends (in their minds anyway) and they prefer to keep it that way.

At the bottom of the totem poll are the random one-night slams. Luckily, if you’re one of them, the girlfriends probably won’t remember you. Next up is girls who are regular slampieces. Is it awkward when you make eye contact with these girls? Yes. Are they judging you? Yes. Should you give a shit? No. He is as disposable to you as you are to him, meaning you needn’t waste your time and effort impressing girls who will probably never like you anyway.

Then right in the worst spot, is you: the new girlfriend. You have the burden of being constantly judged by your “higher-ups” without the luxury of being able to say “Oh wait. I don’t care.” Sucks. And you have to care. You’re on their turf. If you just stick with the guys, who already do like you, it’s even worse. Because then you’re the girl hanging out with all the guys. Not a good look on anyone. That will make them hate you more. You have to sit and bear it and hope eventually you make the cut. Because if they don’t like you, they’ll talk shit, manipulate their boyfriends into thinking you’re miserable, and my guess is you’ll have a pretty miserable time at every function you’re all together at.

How to get in with them? Patience. They’re really just trying to make sure that you’ll be around for long enough to care about. And also to see that you are exactly like they are. Don’t try to be the star of the show. They have a star, and she’s not interested in being outshone. Be pleasant and slightly reserved, but not so much so that it seems fake. Figure out which girlfriend they all hate. Hate her too. Laugh at the shit-talking but don’t participate until you’re positive you’ve earned that right. If you kiss ass for long enough, you may be able to eventually call these super political, judgey bitches your friends. If not, just smile, and force someone to date your Little and three best friends. Rivalries are fun. Good luck.


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Veronica Ruckh

Veronica (@VeronicaRuckh) is the Director of Total Sorority Move for Grandex, Inc. After having spent her undergraduate years drinking $4 double LITs on a patio and drunk texting away potential suitors, she managed to graduate with an impressive GPA and an unimpressive engagement ring -- so unimpressive, in fact, some might say it's not there at all. Veronica has since been fulfilling her duties as "America's big," a title she gave to herself with the help of her giant ego. She has recently switched from vodka to wine on weekdays. Email her at

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