It seems like every other day, there’s some article making its rounds on Facebook, claiming that “This one move is so simple, the fat practically melts off—without even trying!!” Well, I’m calling bullshit. Real exercise, where you actually get in shape (or do whatever the point of exercise is to do) is hard work. The kind of work where sweat gets in your eyes and your hair doesn’t manage to stay in that perfect, perky pony on the tip-top of your head. And honestly? Who needs that. So here it is: a list of ways to check “work out” off your to-do list without breaking a sweat. You probably won’t get much stronger, but eh. It’s better than actually trying.
- Find one of those “how to work out during commercials” lists. Read it carefully. Record your favorite show. Fast-forward through all of the commercials while perfecting your evil laugh.
Advanced: Don’t fast-forward. Simply close your eyes, plug your ears, and then work on your evil laugh. Super advanced: time the conclusion of this with the conclusion of the commercial.
- Buy weights. Give them to your dog to use as teeth-strengthening bones.
Advanced: Train your dog to bring the weights to you when they hear footsteps. That way, it looks like you’re not a completely useless human being.
- Kneel in front of a coffee table or another table of a similar height. Lay one arm out in front of you on the coffee table. Have a friend place a bowl of chips just under your hand. Do a curl, bringing the chip from the bowl to your mouth in a slow controlled manner. Stop when you’ve completed 3 sets of 10 for each arm, or when the chips are gone. Whatever comes first.
Advanced: replace chips with beer. This gives more of a sustained hold at the top of your curl, especially since we recommend finishing a can per set. Per rep for the super advanced.
- Watch a workout video on YouTube, following along as best you can from the comfort of your couch.
Advanced: Follow along from the comfort of your bed. Super advanced: Don’t follow along at all and go back to working on that evil laugh.
- Drive to the nearest gym. Walk to the gym door—using stairs if necessary. Now turn around, walk back to your car, and drive home.
Advanced: Actually walk into the gym, examine the equipment, then finish the routine as usual.
- Don’t forget about the little things! When you text your latest boy toy, send each word as a separate message. It’s a great thumb workout.
Advanced: Send each letter as a separate message.
- Ensure that throughout the day, you drop at least five items. (Side Note: if you don’t drop something at least that many times any way you clearly have your life together and should be doing real workouts. Please leave.) Instead of demanding someone else pick up said fallen item for you, pick it up yourself. There — that’s a squat.
Advanced: Actually bend from your knees instead of the waist. This move is recommended for private workouts.
- Wear a romper/jumpsuit at least once every two weeks. Sure it might seem excessive for a fashion trend that’s surely on it’s way out — but think of the calories you’ll burn taking it off to use the restroom!
Advanced: Make it a day when Aunt Flo is visiting. Extra bathroom trips means extra workout sessions.
- Have sex. Briefly consider getting on top.
Advanced: Have sex. Actually be on top.
Or you could just fuck the whole thing and take a nap. I heard sleep is trending right now..
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