Why am I even here? I could be drinking margaritas at the Mexican restaurant down the street and instead of getting plastered, I’m at chapter meeting like some kind of peasant, AKA freshman. Just look at them. They’re so excited about life, quickly jotting down every single possible social event for the next week in their planners.
Oh god. Now one of them is raising their hand like it’s a fucking first grade classroom. Meeting hasn’t even started yet, how could you possibly have a question? Fucking freshman.
“Will the minutes be posted to the Facebook group before or after meeting? I think maybe some of the girls would appreciate the minutes being posted before so we could follow along.”
Wow, great question, Girl Whose Name I Can’t Remember Because I Was Drunk All Of Recruitment. A few meetings in and you’re already trying to make changes to the system? You’re going to make one cunty litte exec member one day.
Secretary: “The minutes will be sent out after chapter meeting is over.”
Just like we’ve been doing for the past, oh, I don’t know, ten years? Or however long Facebook has been invented and used by sororities. Sit the fuck down.
Secretary: “If you’re here and wearing your initiation pin, please say “pin.”
Fuck. I forgot my pin. As a matter of fact, I think it’s still on my recruitment dress from preference night. Fuck it, I’m a senior.
Did the President just glare at me? I’m sure she feels all high and mighty now, but I was there with her freshman year when she made it her personal mission to sleep with a guy from every fraternity. Does she not remember that night she sent out a 911 to the entire chapter asking if anyone had Plan B and I came to the rescue? Do NOT forget where you came from, bitch!
Kelsey just walked in late, thank God. Is that a cup from the margarita place in her hand? Damn. I should’ve thought of that.
Me: “Where the fuck have you been?”
Kelsey: “I had to make a pit stop, there’s no way I would be able to make it through this meeting without a drink. Did I miss anything?”
Me: “Just a quick update on the stick in the Presidents’ ass. It’s still there. Now share.”
President: “Ladies. Stop talking.”
Me: “If you want us to be quiet, we can just leave.”
Alright, now she’s definitely glaring at me. Can’t she take a joke? Jeez. Seriously the only reason I’m even sitting here right now is because the power hungry sophomore on Standards threatened to take away my social privileges if I missed one more chapter meeting.
This chapter has really gone to shit in the past few years. When I was a freshman, it wasn’t nearly this lame. I remember the good old days when the sister of the week would be whoever had the best story of the weekend, so we would all do our best to one-up each other, which led to even crazier stories and a few close calls with the Greek Life office. Good times.
No one even threw up at the mixer last week. Excuse me, but is this a club or a sorority?
Honestly I’m just glad I’m almost out. This chapter’s glory days are long gone, I’m just glad I could be a part of it while we were still good.
Philanthropy: “In an effort to increase our philanthropy presence around the community, everyone in the chapter will be required to visit the retirement community we sponsor for one hour per week.”
Me: *raises hand*
Philanthropy: “Yes, that includes seniors.”
THIS IS HORSE SHIT. Just make the freshman do it. They’re probably so excited about philanthropy and service and all that bullshit. I’ve done my time. I’ve done so much time that I think I deserve someone to service me. Speaking of that, I need to remember to text Brad tonight.
Scholarship: “Just a reminder to get your study hours done!”
Who the fuck is this girl? She’s in our chapter? Since when is she on exec? Did I miss that meeting? Probably.
Social chair: “Alright, next order of business. Our date event is this Thursday and I want to remind you all about the rules.”
Are you kidding me? There’s rules now? Our sophomore year Kelsey literally fell asleep at the bar and instead of sending her home we just let her sleep it off for awhile. We told the bartender she had narcolepsy so he let us keep partying.
“I understand people are going to be drinking, but I’m going to need everyone to PLEASE act responsibly. We all want to have fun, but if I see anyone dancing on the bar or giving their date a lap dance, I’m going to be very upset. Have some respect for yourselves, ladies.”
Says the girl who once gave a blowjob in the back of the bus on the way TO formal.
“Remember that your actions represent not only yourself but the chapter, the sorority, and Greek life as a whole. Flashing your tits to get free drinks is not what the founders of this sorority intended their legacy to be.”
I’m pretty sure the founders didn’t intend their legacy to be blowing piles of glitter into a camera for recruitment purposes, but alas, here we are.
“We also have a mixer tomorrow. For many of you, this will be your first time mixing with Alpha Beta Zeta, so be sure to make a good impression!”
I already know and hate every guy in that chapter and the idea of accidentally sleeping with a freshman is terrifying, so I think maybe I’ll just skip this one and go to the bars instead. The bars have better drinks and older guys anyway.
Finance: “Hey girlies! There’s still quite a few of you who have not paid your dues. I’ve texted, called, emailed, Facebook messaged, and snapchatted you all reminders, so you should have no excuse. Please get those dues to me ASAP so we can continue to plan more amazing socials and events!”
Hmmm. I would, but I only have $19.27 to my name right now and I’m spending it all on margaritas tonight. I’ll just add dues onto the massive pile of debt to worry about after graduation.
President: “Just a few more things before we let you go…”
What more could there possibly be to discuss? I literally think we’ve been in this room, silently listening, for two hours. This information could’ve been delivered in an email. I am now two hours older and uglier because this new exec doesn’t understand what is and is not important enough to be said at chapter meeting. Were meeting this long when I was a freshman? Probably not, because our exec was actually knew how to get shit done back then.
“If you want to sign up to bake cookies for the bake sale benefitting The National People Helping Other People Foundation, come up to the front after chapter. Dismissed! [Letter]LOVE/LAM!”
*a million freshman start shoving and elbowing their way to the front of the room*
Kelsey: “Hell yes.” .