The Inner Monologue Of A Facebook Stalker

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Okay, just got to the library. Nice. Found a great spot at a corner table near the stacks. Today is going to be one of those Sundays where I get a lot of shit done, you know? I’m here before 4 p.m., so I’d say that deserves a five minute Facebook break.

*Logs on*
I feel like I should update my status, I haven’t done that in a pretty long time. Is that still normal for people to do? Oh well: “Sunday Funday in the Library!” Wait, no. That sounds stupid. The library isn’t fun and people totally won’t get my sarcasm. Hmm. “Just got to the library! Time to get down to business…” sounds bad, too. Guys will totally get the wrong idea. Maybe I’ll just post a picture.

*Puts Starbucks cup on top of agenda. Strategically places colored highlighters around it.*
This is perfect. No need for a caption–this is too artsy for one anyway.

*Posts picture, starts to scroll through newsfeed*
Ugh, screw all of these abroad pictures. You’re parading around the Champs-Élysées with a chocolate croissant in one hand and a French man in the other while we’re sitting here slaving over structures of organic compounds. We get it.

*Goes back to newsfeed, starts scrolling again*
Ew, middle school math teacher you’re still gross…*scroll*
She definitely DID use a filter on that…*scroll*
Omg cool, a BuzzFeed quiz told you your spirit animal is a rock! Good for you, nobody cares or thinks you’re funny…*scroll*
Wow, she lost a ton of weight–that’s actually awesome…*scroll*
No, I don’t want to wish her a happy birthday…*scroll*
If I see one more picture of someone doing a half marathon I sw–*scroll*

*Looks at pictures of puppies for 10 minutes, then continues to newsfeed scroll*
YES, A NOTIFICATION. I’m popular! Fuck. It’s just the house Facebook group. No, I will not volunteer to go to the environment club’s poetry slam next Tuesday. Nope, even if it’s for five house points. Oh wait, they’ll have desserts? Well, maybe.

Why haven’t I gotten any likes on that library pic yet? Should I take it down? I’m going to give it 10 more minutes.

*Goes to profile, clicks through “Photos of You”*
Is it bad to say I’m my favorite person to stalk on Facebook? Like, if I were someone else, I would love stalking me. I’ve got the perfect ratio of pearly white smiles on Bid Day to drunken raging at formals to laughing candids at tailgates. Speaking of tailgates, is it too early for one of these photos to qualify as a #tbt?

*Lands on photo of an ex*
I knew this one was coming. It’s so annoying how I can love a picture so much, but hate someone in it at the same time. I mean, just look at the way he’s holding my waist and looking into my eyes. This literally could be one of those black and white photos that come inside store bought picture frames. NO. STOP THINKING THAT. Snap out of it. It’s over. For good. Finito. But I wonder what he’s up to…

*Clicks on ex’s profile*
He put up a new profile picture from formal last week and his date is half in it, half cropped out. HA. That sucks.

Oh look, his sister just tagged him in some family photos from last weekend…

*Starts to go through album*
Grandma’s 80th birthday, cool, nobody cares…*click*
That cake would’ve looked so good in the Walden filter…*click*
Yep, definitely bought that bow tie for him…*click*
He and cousin are honestly the most attractive relatives I’ve ever seen…*click*

HOLD UP. Is that the skank from his profile picture?! WHY THE FUCK WAS SHE AT HIS GRANDMA’S 80TH BIRTHDAY PARTY?!

Holy shit. Holy shit. Holy shit. Holy shit. Holy shit. Holy shit. Who is this chick?

*Clicks on her profile*
Ew. No, like, ew times 10 million. Wait. She’s actually gorgeous. Why does God hate me so much? She’s tagged in four pictures from his Grandma’s 80th birthday party. And his hot cousin liked one of them. I guess this is my cue to go jump off a bridge now.

Why the fuck isn’t the wall-to-wall function a thing anymore? Now I have to PHYSICALLY go through her entire profile to see if they’ve had any more communication with each other.

*Ends up scrolling for a half hour*
Well then, now that I know where she went to high school, what movies she likes, what her favorite books and TV shows are, what groups she belonged to in high school, what color dress she wore to her eighth grade graduation, where she’s been in the world based on her photo map, what graffiti she drew on her friends’ walls from 2007 to 2009, AND watched all of the videos recorded on her wall since 2006, I can effectively say I am zero benefit to society. I hate everyone.

*Takes down library picture with zero likes*

*Signs off*

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Drunk but not in love

(@DrunkNOTinLove) is a die-hard Splenda addict who requires a constant supply of caffeine and male attention to make it through the day. After graduating with her degree in Economics, she now focuses her energy on adding a "Home" to her degree title by perfecting the "intelligent drunk," and conning a banker into marrying her one day. Originally from New England, she is a hardcore Boston sports fan, but only when boys are around. Almost all of her calories consumed Thursday - Saturday (and the occasional Tuesday) are from $7 bottles of Yellowtail Moscato, and in no way, shape, or form is she fazed by this. All forms of hate mail and date party inquiries can be sent to

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