The Illogical Ways College Kids Deal With Problems

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We all hate hearing the word “no.” If we want to do something, we feel that we are fully entitled to do it, no questions asked. That’s why we all hate Standards; they always say no to any fun. I actually think it’s a requirement that you have to suck the fun out of any activity in order to serve on Standards. Anyway, in order to live our lives the way we want, we come across one or two situations which we really, REALLY should say no to. But do we? Nope. We take our natural-born resourcefulness and problem-solving techniques to ensure we never miss out on anything.

Problem: You have a moderate to severe cold.

What you should do: Stay in bed and rest. Drink water and gatorade. Only attend your important classes, and take cold medicine as necessary. Go to sleep early to give your body the rest it needs in order to heal.

What you actually do: Skip every class you have, chug water, and binge watch “Law and Order: SVU” instead. You don’t leave your bed under any circumstances. Attend hot yoga class at night to “sweat out the sickness,” then take shots of DayQuil so you don’t miss $4 pitchers at the bars. Skip the next day of classes for good measure–I mean, you don’t want to “spread your sickness.” You end up milking your cold for all it’s worth.

Problem: You have a paper due Friday.

What you should do: Work on it a little bit Monday, Tuesday, and Wednesday, and allow yourself to go out on Thursday only if you have completely finished your paper. The worse case scenario is that you work on it all day Thursday. Maybe you don’t go out that night in order to make sure you completely finish and perfect it.

What you actually do: Ignore the fact that you even have a paper until about Thursday at lunchtime. You try to work on it in the afternoon, but only write the header and the title. You end up going out Thursday night, and set your alarm for 7 a.m. to finish it. You miraculously wake up at 7:56 a.m. and write the paper while still completely wasted. Exhausted from all the work and effort you put into writing the paper, you email it to your teacher, saying that you have a doctor’s appointment during class, then pass out for the rest of the day.

Problem: You only have about $100 left in your account.

What you should do: Cut all unnecessary spending. Do you really need to go to happy hour on all the days that end in Y? Probably not. You also probably don’t need to go to Chipotle for lunch once a week either. You should look to see if there are any on-campus jobs hiring.

What you actually do: “Mooooooooooooooom, I need some help…”

Problem: There is no food in your apartment.

What you should do: Go grocery shopping.

What you actually do: Eat Chipotle–you can always save half of your burrito bowl for later, if you have that kind of self control. You could also make the younger girls in your sorority swipe you into the dining hall. You probably make three trips to liquor store before you realize how lopsided the food to alcohol ratio is in your apartment. You plan on going to the grocery store tomorrow, after mom gives you money.

Problem: You fell while sledding, and now you are bleeding everywhere.

What you should do: Have someone drive you to the hosipital or an urgent care to get it cleaned and stitched up.

What you actually do: Drunkenly convince everyone you’re fine, and grab some snow to ice it. You don’t see why anyone is making a huge deal…until you realize you’re bleeding from your face. You go back to your apartment and make a bandage out of tissue paper and scotch tape. (You have no bandaids because you refuse to go grocery shopping, remember?) You end up having a small scar on the side of your face, because you actually did need stitches.

Sure, these things don’t exactly bode well for the fact you’re going to be a real person sometime in the future. After looking at my postgrad friends, they don’t have their shit together either, so at least we’re all on the same page. At least we have the excuse of, “I’m in college,” right? That’s a real excuse, isn’t it?

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Hakuna Moscato

Hakuna Moscato (@HakunaMoscato) is a contributing writer for Total Sorority Move. and Post Grad Problems. A born and raised Maryland girl, she's obsessed with the Baltimore Ravens, Old Bay, and anything that has the Maryland flag pattern on it. She's a newly retired student-athlete and sorority girl, but not quite ready to call herself an adult, especially since she still has to be carried out of bars. With a Long Island in hand, she's ready for whatever life is throwing her way. Maybe.

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