The Girls On “The Bachelor” Are Actually Way Smarter Than You Think

The Girls On "The Bachelor" Are Actually Way Smarter Than You Think

I’ll just put it out there right away. Yes, I still watch The Bachelor. I don’t just mean the kind of watching where you have the TV on in the background while you pretend to do homework as you really shop online for something sexy to wear to that themed mixer you have coming up with your ex’s fraternity. My friends and I have devoted our Monday nights to this show. We throw on our sweats, meet in the designated room at 7:55 sharp, pour the wine (Wine Monday is a thing, right?) and cozy up into bed together just in time to hear Chris Harrison’s recap of last week’s most scandalous moments — usually a lot of clips taken out of context just to make things look even juicier.

I do realize that the show is absolutely ridiculous and probably somewhat scripted. There’s no way people actually expect that this will lead to a serious relationship. The show has a higher failure rate than a college calculus exam. Can you imagine getting engaged to someone after that short amount of time? The only thing I’ve fallen in love with that quickly is late-night junk food. The entire thing seems like it was dreamed up by a couple of frat guys: go on dates with twenty-five girls, kiss as many as you want, sleep with as many as you want, and then tell each of them you see a future with them as a means to keep them content. Sounds like a recap of freshman year. In the end, the guy doesn’t even have to pick someone, and if he does, he can dump her whenever he wants. And did I mention that the girls are all beautiful and intelligent?

Despite the absurdity of it all, I would become a contestant in a heartbeat. I really think those crazy bitches have it all figured out. What is something women love more than a sexy man who wants a stable, committed relationship? Competition. Everything with us is a competition. Walking to class every day, you probably compare your outfit, hair, makeup, and life to every random girl you pass. You stalk your boyfriend’s ex as well as every girl he’s friends with on Facebook. I’m really not sure if it’s some primal need that stuck with us throughout history or if we are just really crazy, but we love to win, especially when men are involved — and this show is the ultimate competition.

On top of getting to go on (free) fairytale dates, the girls get to live in a mansion and essentially do nothing all day other than relax in their bathing suits, gossip about one another, brag about their exploits with the bachelor, and drink. Seriously, someone please sign me up for this. On any given day, that’s basically what I do anyway, so I might as well become quasi-famous while I do it.

The cherry on top of this Bachelor sundae is that after a certain point in the show, the lucky ladies get whisked away to exotic vacation spots around the world. Never been out of the country? No problem. Just sign up for The Bachelor. If you cause enough drama, the show’s producers will keep you around just for the ratings. As much as I love watching the Disney-style romance, nothing tops watching the drama, cat fights, and drunken waterworks. Since we’re supposed to be classy ladies, unfortunately these things are all mostly deemed unacceptable by society. But in that mansion, there are no rules. So, instead of going out and being that girl, I now get to live vicariously through her as I cheer her on to the finals. It’s clearly a win-win situation.

Even though it may be killing my brain cells, you certainly won’t find me doing anything else with my Monday nights any time soon.

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