The Evolution Of A Crazy Girlfriend


Acceptance is the first step to recovery. Maybe it’s time you accept your inner crazy. Whether your crazy is self-diagnosed or has been screamed at you several times by your ex-boyfriend, we’ve all got a bit of it in us. It’s only natural for a girl to have a little dose of psycho in her DNA. However, it’s easy for a girl to disguise her inner crazy upon first glance, but through each stage it’s slowly unveiled.

Stage One: Investigator
You met a cute guy at the bar or maybe you spent the night. Either way, you know very little information about this mystery man, but you have hopes of seeing him again. You pull up his Facebook, and see if it checks out. In this stage you’re just looking to see if your drunk goggles hindered your judgement…or if he’s married. This is a completely normal stage, and I’m sure even the other gender resorts to this.

Stage Two: Obsessor
Ok, now you’ve gotten to know the guy a little better and suddenly your thoughts seem to be revolved around him. Is the last text you sent too risqué? Will you see him on the way to class? You’ve already passed the first part of the test, but you need him to solidify his choice. Your friends are getting annoyed at how much you obsess about your baby, wait is it too soon for nicknames, but you could care less.

Stage Three: Detective
Now the real investigating comes in. You need to dig up all the dirt from his past. Nothing is off-limits. His ex-girlfriend? His parents? His credit history? You ARE the real life Sherlock Holmes. Rational people may tell you that you’re crossing a line. But may I remind you, those are RATIONAL, boring people. If you have access to his phone, you have been granted the gift that keeps on giving. If you don’t take advantage, you’re insane in your own right.

Stage Four: Green Monster
Logically, if you dig enough you’ll find dirt. So his ex-girlfriend is a straight smoke? He’s obviously still in love with her. He’s texting Jessica for notes? He’s trying to bone her. Was he walking with a girl from class? Not on your watch. You’re no fool, and you’re not about to get played. You know all guys can’t keep it in their pants; it’s only nature.

Stage Five: Stalker
Aw hell no, you will not be cheated on. So his frat has a tailgate. You’ll be there. He’s in history class. So are you. Oh, he thinks he’s going to be alone. Good one. You will use the song “Every Breath You Take” as your inspiration. You will be watching. God, he’s so cute when he’s sleeping.

Stage Six: Vengeful Vixen
Maybe he was cheating. Maybe he decided you were “not stable.” Maybe you were never even dating. Either way, this is the stage after you discovered you’re over. There’s only logical succession would be to fake your own death. After you successfully drained your blood and left a diary faking his abuse of you for the past several months, it’s time for you to change your identity and move to another state. He’ll be sorry once he realizes you framed him for homicide. It’s only fair he pays for what he did.

Or you could just show your craziness by sending three texts in a row or asking if he’s hooking up with anyone else…because we all know that’s batshit right?

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drunk and confused

On an average day you can find me awkwardly asking to pet dogs, searching through frat houses to find my missing wallet, and sending apology texts to the innocent victims from the evening before. Still navigating my way through undergrad life, and enjoying every drunken and confusing second of it

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