The Devolution Of Regret You Feel When You Dump A Not-Boyfriend

The Devolution Of Regret You Feel When You Dump A Not-Boyfriend

Call it mutual. Say it’s “for the best.” Whatever it is you’re telling everybody, the fact of the matter is that it’s over now, and it wasn’t actually what both of you wanted. It’s never actually mutual, because if the two of you are mature enough to call it mutual, you’re probably also mature enough to find a way to compromise, fix your problems, and stay together.

Let’s begin with the whole truth. The Cinderella clock strikes 11:30 p.m. on your relationship, and it’s going downhill fast. You’ve had a great time together, but things have fallen into a state of confusion. We all know “being confused” is code for someone wanting off of this hell-bound train. Maybe the mythical “spark” is gone, or maybe he just completely sucks now. Either way, someone is inevitably going to end it, and you refuse to let it be him. After all, you are a winner and relationship winners always come out on top. You gather your troops and devise a plan of action. This will go one of two ways. Either some romantically freakish friend will convince you to stick around, or your smart friends will tell you to cut it out and cut him off. Spoiler alert: The girl who’s team romance feels this way because the only relationship she’s had in the last five months is battery operated. Give her some Xanax and send her to bed.

When 11:59 p.m. hits, you decide to get obliterated before you turn that carriage back into a pumpkin. Your vodka-soaked brain tells you, “It won’t be that bad! You’re too good for him!” and you break things off. We all know the classy girl way to end a not-relationship is to let it phase out, but you are a psycho, so you want the drama and the proof and the screenshot so everyone knows that you rejected him.

Midnight strikes and you hit send, because you aren’t brave enough to end it in person over a painful cup of coffee. Plus, your not-relationship was largely a drunk one anyway, so getting coffee together doesn’t really make sense. You feel exhilarated and you can now tackle all the world’s problems. At this point, you’re floating in your own new sea of singleness. Good job, you free-thinking, independent woman.

You will feel this way for exactly two days. No more, no less. The ecstasy-like sensation that comes from being single pours over you, and your girls are more than happy to ride the coattails of your fresh new solo attitude. It’s an excuse for all to go wild. You go out, get a few numbers, and obviously, you look amazing. Single looks great on you, gal pal. Everything feels great — but then that third day hits, and my God, does it leave a mark.

On the third day, you wake up in another world. It’s a lonely, cold, bleak winter of a world. The metaphorical fairy dust has settled and what’s left is the lonely mud. Your friends go back to their happy, fulfilled lives, loves, and activities, but you are left alone to finally face your actions. Did I mention you’re alone?

You thought this breakup was the best thing for you and you thought you could do so much better than him. You THOUGHT. You’re now alone in the world and the revelry of being single is over. The third day is the worst, but it does go uphill come day twenty-five or so.

Bad things happen to everyone in life. You might get hit by a car or have your purse stolen. Deal with it. But when he deletes you from social media and pretends you don’t exist, GOOD LUCK. When he virtually removes your existence from his life, you might want to remove your own social media existence. Do not do this. You can make it past the third day.

Ladies, if you can end things with a guy and make it through the evil day three, you can literally do anything. Stay strong, avoid Taylor Swift and definitely avoid Katherine Heigl. You can do it. I believe in you.

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BlingleWhiteFemale (@BlingleWhiteFem) is a single blonde female who spends her days campaigning for First Lady. She is a contributing writer for Total Sorority Move.

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