Corningstone is finally back, bitches!! Now that recruitment is finally over and I’m settling into my new schedule for the semester, I thought my life couldn’t get better! I was back at the office after being sequestered by my sorority for a month, my snapping and clapping blisters were healing, my voice was slowly coming back, and I had a giant new pledge class of 79 hot-ass babies to obsess over! I didn’t think there was anything to put a damper on my great mood. I was very, very wrong. Two words: date dash.
For those of you who aren’t in a sorority that uses this form of torture, a date dash is a date event the sorority holds, but they only tell you a day or two in advance. It’s fun for girls with boyfriends, but for the single ladies like me, it’s just Valentine’s Day come early. When I got my email informing me of the “fun” event we were having this Thursday, I could only think: “Well who the fuck am I supposed to take to this thing?” Here were my options:
My Male Friends
This is my go-to choice for most of my date events. They’re fun, awesome, and nice guys who won’t make drunken fools out of themselves. I know some (stupid) people think it’s a cop out to take a friend, but it’s nice to bring a date that you don’t have to hook up with at the end of the night and you can just be comfortable around. Unfortunately, one is now head over heels for one of the coolest girls I’ve met in a while, one found a passion for country music suddenly (or for the hot girls who go to country concerts) and had already bought tickets to see Blake Shelton, and all of the others have turned into ridiculous homebodies in their old age. Junior year can just be so tough. My friendships with the latter group of gentlemen have devolved into watching Workaholics and eating Mac & Cheese whenever we hang out. Not that I’m complaining, because there are few things I love more than Workaholics and Mac & Cheese, but a chill homebody bro does not a fun date make. Guess I’m on to my next option…
The Guys I’m “Talking” To
Both of these guys are perfectly nice and wonderful, but they’re completely delusional. I mean this in the most loving way possible, of course. “Hey Corningstone” you may say, “what are you crying about, when two cute and smart guys want to date you?” In normal circumstances, I would completely agree with you, slap myself silly, and then pick one. The problem is that they’re both eternally in love with other girls. It’s really quite a funny situation when two different guys are trying to force themselves to get over their unrequited loves by trying to date you at the same time. It’s nice to feel liked, but I’d rather renew my membership to the Lonely Hearts Club than date someone who, deep down inside, would rather be with someone else. Now the desperation starts to ensue.
My Hook-Up Buddy
I learned my lesson last time I tried to take him to something. There’s a reason he’s stayed my hook up bud for 6 months without me trying to upgrade him to boyfriend status. Actually, there are several:
1. He’s an absolute shitshow (Imagine the ‘Rowdy Gentleman’ if he weren’t a gentleman at all).
2. He has a really stupid tattoo.
3. He claims to be 5’8”, but disregarding my hair height I’m almost certain we are equally tall. Including hair height, I’m probably around 2 inches taller. Call me superficial, but is it really too much to ask for the ability to wear heels to my own event?
4. My whole sorority hates him on account of the last time I brought him to something.
He’s cute, I like hanging out with him, and he’s not as bad as Hot Piece’s ex hook up buddy who looks like he’s still auditioning to be a member of Hanson, but I can’t take him ANYWHERE. For the fellow Workaholics fans out there, he IS Adam DeMamp. Going around and apologizing to my sisters and their dates when he insults them after his Napoleonic complex kicks in just doesn’t sound like a bitchin’ time to me. Plus, I’m kinda thinking about turning him loose, starting the semester off fresh, etc. Can you tell I’m bored with him?
The Dreaded Set Up
I usually make such an effort to avoid being set up for date events. It’s like I might as well just give up and bust out the sweatpants and Ben & Jerry’s. But with all of the charming boys my current situation has to offer, I was forced to choose this option. I strategically approached my sister with the hottest boyfriend that has the hottest friends, so it might work out in my favor. Also, it might be good to get some fresh meat in my contact list. I hope he’s ready to drink until it’s not awkward, and then drink some more. That’s the whole point of a date event, right?