Ahhh, recruitment is in the air. Don’t you just love this time of year? Everyone’s social media accounts are on extreme lock-down, you listen to mind numbingly boring stories from people you have to pretend to like, wondering if a caffeine IV is really that bad an idea. You watch your recruitment chair slowly descend into madness and, oh yeah, it’s completely dry. But, it’s all worth it at bid day, right?!?!!
Whoever said sororities are not at war with each other is a boldfaced liar. Recruitment is our war, and bid day is when we discover the victors. I fully encourage having rush crushes, and doing whatever it takes to make them fall in love with you. Hell, I want people you hate to love you. EVERYONE MUST LOVE YOU.
Like Whitney Houston sang, “How will you know if (they) really love you?” Furthermore, how do you know that they’ll be the best fit for your chapter? Well, your Pi Chis and Rho Chis certainly aren’t going to help. They are notorious for having the loosest buttholes on the planet, which is why they always have sticks in them. They’ll make sure you stick to stupid rules like “No chugging wine between rounds” and “Don’t talk about the 40 B’s of recruitment” (booze, boys, brands, bank, beliefs, blunts, blah, blah, blah). So you have to be cunning, sneaky, and just plain amazing at judging PNMs’ worthiness.
In order to do all of that, you actually have to talk to and interact with the PNMs. Bummer. Now, if I had a dollar for every time I’ve asked “Where are you from?” or “What is your major?” I could not only pay my dues on time (See, VP of Finance? I’m acknowledging that I have a problem. It’s the first step), but I could probably pay my entire chapter’s dues, too. Point blank: it’s fucking boring. No one likes boring people, therefore, no one likes your chapter. It’s science. But I have a solution, and it’s foolproof.
Here are some questions and tactics I like to keep in my back pocket when I see PNMs’ eyes rolling in the backs of their heads.
Kill, Fuck, Marry: Jennifer Lawrence, Miley Cyrus, and Betty White
A spirit animal, a fucked up child star, and the funny grandma. It’s the perfect question to figure out where these PNMs lie on the scale of interesting. Judge them harshly based on their choices. Oh, you want to marry Jennifer Lawrence? Oh, you want to be Jennifer Lawrence? So does everyone else. Drop that unoriginal bitch. Fuck Miley, marry Betty? Bid. Always did love wild cards. No answer? No bid. You’re getting to the important issues here, and the only B you’re discussing is “bids.”
“What’s your Chipotle order?”
You can tell a lot by a woman by her Chipotle order. Burrito bowl people are either meticulously organized or eclectic, social, and slightly eccentric individuals. They’re generally a good time. Instant Goddamn bid for all burrito bowl lovers. People who order regular burritos, on the other hand, are suspicious. There’s an unwritten rule of Chipotle that only guys get burritos. If a girl is getting a burrito, she’s obviously one of those girls who “doesn’t usually like girls.” And what’s the first rule of recruitment? Stay away from the girl who doesn’t like girls. So burrito girl? While she seems cool, no bid. You’ll regret it. If a PNM orders anything else from Chipotle, she is wrong and she doesn’t deserve to be in your sorority. If, however, a girl answers with “I don’t like Chipotle,” leave the conversation immediately and blacklist the fuck out of her. She is a liar and cannot be trusted.
Serve Tootsie Roll Pops
The biggest test of commitment: how long will they wait until they bite into that sucker? If any of them are done before 20 minutes is up, they are automatically dropped. If they can’t lick a lollipop for longer than 20 minutes, how are they supposed to dedicate themselves to your chapter? Spoiler alert: they can’t.
Fall In Front Of A PNM
Sure, they say they’re humanitarians and helpful, but when a sister falls right in front of them, will they actually help her up? Make it as dramatic as possible. Bonus points if you actually sprain your ankle. It’s for the good of the chapter, dammit. Anyway, if they help you up, bid. If they ask “Omg, are you ok?” B-list. If they laugh AND help you, bid immediately. You can’t find people with a great sense of humor just anywhere, you know.
*Note: The views expressed in this column are completely satirical. Do not fall in front of a PNM.