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The Best Drinks To Get You Through Summer Break

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You may have updated your wardrobe to stand up to the summer heat (ugh, strapless bras), but your drinking habits are still totally last season. Shake up your routine – and your martini – with these drink recipes that will make sobriety feel like a distant memory. Luckily for you, we’ve tried each one of these cocktails so we could be sure that we were only serving up the best. Unluckily for us, we tried them all at once and are now officially a couple of dritches (drunk bitches).

So drink up, but don’t fall down:

The One Night Stand
3 shots of Fireball whiskey
40 minutes of pretending to be interested listening to that bro in the backwards hat talk about his finance job while you try and figure out if he has Zac Efron-like abs through his polo shirt
1 dose of Plan B

The Cheap Drunk
1 box of wine
3 Nalgene bottles
1 resilient backpack
4-6 hours of secretive guzzling in glamorous locations like a bathroom stall or behind a parked van, but even if your dignity is no longer intact, at least your budget is.

The Tanline
1 bikini
1 bottle of SPF 4 “sunscreen”
6 strawberry daiquiris
8 hours of lying on a lounge chair without moving an inch so your skin has a golden tan but your boobs are the color of a wedding dress.

The Firework
2 Bud Light tall boys
1 sequined romper
3 replays of Katy Perry’s single while you drunkenly dance around on the deck trying to get attention.

The Crop Top
1 bottle of vodka
1 cup of ice chips
1 membership to Barry’s Bootcamp
No carbs. Ever. Again.

The Central Air
2 glasses of Pinot Grigio
1 super rich bedfellow who has a trust fund and a view of the park
1 condom that may or may not have a hole you poked in it.

The Fancy
1 bottle of Cristal
You already knew.

The Juice Cleanse
75 Facebook posts, Tweets, and Instagram pictures of kale juice
1 whole pizza alone when no one can see you.

The Flip Flop
1 bottle of whiskey
1 case of beers
8 hours of being the most popular girl at the party: you’re a walking beer-shot combo!

(Sun)Burnt Down For What
1 pimp cup
1 bottle of purple drank
1 night of twerking that would even make Miley blush.

The Lonely Island
2 parts dark rum
8 parts ginger beer
1 Netflix subscription
5-7 days at your parents’ summer house to sit back, relax, and get tanked.

The Day Drinker
1 bottle of gatorade
1 bottle of vodka
7-8 hours of screaming “Watch out!” to those kids you’re supposed to be watching at the end of which you realize they were actually just a flock of surprisingly cute geese. Whatever, you are so fired.

The Coffin
1 glass of flat ginger ale
1 bucket within arm’s reach
2 tylenol
12-16 hours of feeling like you’re no longer human.

The Break-Up
1 pitcher of margaritas
All the chips and guacamole
THIS IS ALL YOU HAVE LEFT.

The Selfie
1 Mike’s Hard Lemonade poured into a martini glass
1 mini-umbrella
1 huge pair of shades
1 perfect filter that shows off your mixology skills, and your killer cleavage all in one shot.

The Bitch
2 oz vodka
4 oz tomato juice
2 dashes Tabasco
2 tsp horseradish
2 dashes Worcestershire sauce
1 lime wedge
1 celery stalk
1 and a half pieces of that stranger’s pizza that you took even after they said you couldn’t have it. You really are the worst.

Bottoms off – err – up!

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Alyssa and Alison

Alyssa Wolff and Alison Leiby are stand-up comics and writers. Follow them at AlyssaWolff and AlisonLeiby.

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