Since we’re all adults here, I’d like to discuss something that a lot of us are faced with at some time or another. There’s no easy way to bring it up, but I feel that with open communication, we can all learn together. Sometimes, when people like each other, they want to touch each other. It’s just science. Unfortunately, sometimes the people who like each other and want to touch each other live in a place with PAPER THIN WALLS, and they don’t want their virgin roommate to hear them do things that would scar their ears.
This is where the sex songs come in. They are the beneficial sounds and lyrics that not only drown out the “it’s really not as good as I’m making it seem but go ahead and flatter yourself” moans, but also set the mood for seven minutes of adult fun. Unfortunately, putting Pandora on is like playing Russian roulette, and it’s not worth the boner-shrinking risk. So, luckily for you, I did the dirty work (pun intended) and compiled a list of the best and worst mood-setting jams (in order, because I’m an overachiever) so that 60 percent of the time, they’ll work every time.
“Let’s Get it On,” Marvin Gaye
This right here is THE song. It’s been in basically every movie that includes a sex scene. Most of us have either made out, were involved in some heavy petting, or (in a horrible cliché) lost our virginities while this song played. It doesn’t tease us with false promises or suggestive lyrics. It’s honest, to the point, and if you haven’t gotten it on to this song, well, you’re doing it wrong.
“I Want You,” The Beatles
I don’t care if you don’t like The Beatles (BTW, you’re wrong). I don’t care if you’re not into “old” music (again, wrong) and I don’t care if you’ve never heard this song. Grab the nearest romantic interest and get ready for seven minutes and 48 seconds of the most sexually charged arrangement of notes you’ll ever hear. Turn off the lights, take off your clothes, and get ready for a wild ride. If you don’t believe me, ask your parents. I’m pretty sure they conceived you to this song.
“Sex and Candy,” Marcy Playground
This song, in all of its dirty, grungy, sultry glory, combines some of the best things in life: sex, candy, and sitting down in a chair. Excuse me while I go freshen up, because every time this comes on, I mentally become a stripper. A high-end stripper, but still.
And for all of you music festival-thriving, EDC-attending, molly-popping, wannabe hippies, they made a dubstep version for you.
“Wonderful Tonight,” Eric Clapton
This is one of those pop open a bottle (or jug, whatever your tolerance allows) of red, dim the lights, and melt into a man, because this right here is baby-making music. And hey, fellas, telling a woman she looks wonderful tonight? Yeah, that’s an instant panty dropper.
“Cherry Pie,” Warrant
So, granted, a big reason why this song is great is because it was in “Bring It On,” but ever since we saw that girl perform a striptease at cheerleading tryouts, we knew that someday, we, too, would have to dance to this song. It’s not that it’s a piece of musical genius or even that it instantly puts us in the mood, but it’s a rite of passage, like attending freshman orientation or taking shots with your new member coordinator. It’s just something you have to do.
“Can’t Get Enough of Your Love Baby,” Barry White
As soon as Barry White starts crooning out of the speakers, you know you’re in for some serious lovemaking. Barry don’t mess around, and neither does a man who includes this angel’s voice in a “Baby-Making Playlist.” There have been reports of actual cases of women drowning from how lubricated they get when Mr. White sings, so use with caution.
“The Way You Look Tonight,” Tony Bennett or Michael Bublé
If this song can work on Julia Roberts, then it can work on me. Just the idea of someone being cheered up because he thought of me is enough to instill a tingle. If there’s better foreplay than a man who feels down on himself (hot) being cheered up by my beauty (even hotter) then the guy would have to be a fucking wizard, because I’m pretty sure it doesn’t exist.
“Pour Some Sugar on Me,” Def Leppard
Sure, the song is sung by men with mullets who have a passion for mom jeans, but something about the idea of pouring your lady sugar on a man is just so tantalizing. They’re literally begging for it, and it gives us females a total power rush. If you want to make her feel like the sweet, sexual, seductive goddess you want her to be, well, just pour some sugar on her. Or give her a diamond ring. Either works, really.
“Ignition (Remix),” R. Kelly
Do you feel it? Do you? Do you feel that instant body roll that flows through your muscles the second you run your hands through your imaginary afro while doing the white man’s overbite to this song? Yeah, I do, too. It’s not exactly a “take me right now” romance level, but it’ll loosen things up to ensure that, weekend or not, you’ll have you some fun.
Few things scream braces, homecoming, and heartbreak quite like Usher’s “OMG.” That might be because, well, we awkwardly grinded to it at our homecoming dance when we had braces, and, naturally, got our heart broken. Sure, we might have dreamed about our high school boyfriend skipping class and playing this song on a guitar (if that’s even possible) to us, but, like, we grew up. So should you.
“Love in da Club,” Usher
Okay, okay, we’ve all had our drunken moments in the handicapped stall of the girls’ bathroom with a guy whose name we don’t quite remember, but that doesn’t mean we didn’t learn from our mistakes. I don’t care who it is, any guy who thinks a song about boning in the bathroom will get me going is delusional. And by the way, I’m pretty sure making love in a club is an oxymoron.
“Your Body is a Wonderland,” John Mayer
Ugh. Back in our high school days, we most likely had a boyfriend put this song on a homemade CD with hopes of having about two minutes of over the pants action. Unfortunately, it is forever associated with bad kissers, and, well, our high school boyfriend. And Mr. Mayer, you don’t need to mock me. My body is filled with alcohol and Taco Bell. It isn’t a fucking wonderland.
“Show Me Your Genitals,” Jon Lajoie
If this just so happens to make its way onto the “Boner Instilling” playlist, don’t bother trying to being polite as you throw shoes at the dumb bastard and yell, “Get the fuck out of my house!” Oh, but while you’re at it, give him my number. This just so happens to be one of my favorite mood-setting songs around, but, like, I’m a sick puppy. #ShowMeYourGenitals #Genitalia
So, my horny friends, dim the lights and get your “Getting It On” playlist ready. I hope this will save you from any pain Pandora love-making has caused, because you can’t give a blowie to “Imagine.”