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The Benefits Of Landing An International Prince Charming

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Whether it’s a formal date, a hookup, a friend, a friends with benefits, a not-boyfriend, or a legit relationship, landing the hot, international student is marvelous beyond words. It’s a dream come true in so many ways, and here’s why.

He Dresses Well

All foreign men seem to have a similar dress code: hot. The coordinating layers, the designer jeans, the stylish leather jackets, the expensive watches–they have it all. Your guy’s fashion sense is “Queer Eye”-esque, but he is as straight as a board. You will never have to worry about helping him put together an outfit, and you might even ask him for advice on your own. When this dapper man accompanies you to formal, everyone will be jealous. (Plus, if he is in any way Hispanic, holy hell he’ll be able to move.) He’ll have his hair slicked back Leo-style, his tux will be tailored just right, and you will go home with the BEST formal pictures of your college lifetime. It’s like having a gay bestie and boyfriend combined. Whoa.

The Sex Is Amazing

For this category, our friend Jason said it all. He’s been around the world and may or may not speak the language, but your booty definitely doesn’t need explaining. All he needs to know is what you say when you talk dirty to him. But really, you might have to actually inform him of what you’re doing, and he might end up saying some weird shit in return. It might be kind of funny or cute or awkward, but it doesn’t matter as long as he says it with his tantalizing accent. Let me give you a few other warnings: American girls have a certain, uh, reputation when it comes to matters of the bedroom (thanks, Miley). If you’re not into hooking up the first night, he might not catch on right away. If you are, he’s totally expecting it, so go for it. Also, he’s probably not circumcised. Don’t freak out if you’ve never seen one like this before, because it could actually benefit you. It means he’s probably more sensitive down there than your average fuck-anything-with-a-hole frat boy. He won’t be too rough, but he won’t be too soft, and he’s definitely got all the right moves.

He Loves Everything American

Anything and everything he does is new to him, and it’s awesome. Even during the most mundane, everyday occurrences, his impression is that he’s “livin’ it up American-style.” The crappy cafeteria hamburger he ate, the I-don’t-have-a-car bus rides to Walmart, the class field trips to local landmarks and nearby cities, the rock wall climbing club meetings, and basically any average occurrence on or off campus is automatically entertaining. It’s good news for you, because you won’t EVER have to try in the least to show him a good time. Also, he loves fraternities. And sorority girls. If he’s studying abroad during the right semester, he might even pledge. In his home country, partying the American way is more than likely completely unacceptable. Why not go all the way and join a frat? I’ve seen it happen. The best part is getting to take his crafting virginity in every category. Coolers, mugs, koozies, chug jugs–you name it, and you’ll make it all. He doesn’t already have five coolers and nine beer mugs crafted from formals past, so he’ll genuinely appreciate the overtime you put in recreating your version of a scene from the Champs-Élysées with puffy paint.

He’s A Walk On For The Soccer Team

Outside of America, the classic pastime is soccer. So, naturally, he is much better than the average D3 collegiate soccer player. He might even be so advanced that the coach doesn’t make him come to practice. Whether he plays in intramural games or college matches, you’ll always be tailgate-ready and sporting his Ronaldo jersey. You have no clue who that is, but it’s his favorite player and you were totally psyched that he offered for you to wear it. #swoon

You Get to Experience His Culture Without Leaving Home

Yes, he’s here to have the American experience, but everyone gets homesick. He craves his favorite meals, speaking his native tongue, and being understood in general. Chances are Mama didn’t raise him without sharing the secret family recipes. If you think Olive Garden is good, think again. He will completely turn your kitchen into a bistro within a matter of minutes if given the right ingredients. However, beware the spicy foods! I’m all for trying new things, but sometimes they are just not all about me (or his morning breath). Also, while you won’t pick up a complete new language for your cultural repertoire, you will learn every trendy, dirty, and bad word that exists in his country. It won’t be of much use when you travel abroad next year, but you can use whatever you learned to ward off creeps and ex-boyfriends at the bar next time. Score.

You Learn To Communicate

Okay, so he probably knows English very well–plus, any semi-wealthy student outside of the U.S. is bilingual. There will, however, always be things he doesn’t understand. Even more so, he won’t be able to comprehend the standard craziness that is the average college-aged female. He, being whatever he is to you, will teach you to communicate better, have patience, and STOP drunk texting. Until he’s been here for a while, he will not understand why you feel it is imperative to send “whre u att boyyy? im wassstedd” messages at 2 a.m. He will also probably respond from his pre-paid international flip phone because he doesn’t know to ignore you yet. This is much more embarrassing to explain the next day, but, as his popularity on campus grows, he will eventually catch on.

When He Leaves, It Can Go Either Way

If you’ve done something embarrassing or just can’t handle the temptation of his presence anymore, don’t worry. It is all temporary. He’ll only be here for a semester or, at the most, a year. If, however, cupid struck him in the ass with a big, fat love dart, all your fairytale dreams could come true. On multiple occasions, I’ve witnessed ladies having lasting relationships with their modern day John Smiths. No matter how it works out, you can always keep in contact via Facebook and meet up the next time you travel.

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premed donna

Who said you can't be smart and funny? When I'm not writing for TSM, you can find me studying into oblivion, downing a bottle of chardonnay, and/or sobbing for reasons I have yet to understand. All hate fan mail can be sent to premed.donna.tsm@gmail.com.

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