The Bar Bathroom Bestie: Misery Loves Company

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Let’s set the scene for this shooting star of a friendship that we’ve all had. No really, as soon as you saw this article title, a blurry face popped into your mind, didn’t it? It’s 1:15am and you’re waiting in the eternal line for the one bathroom stall because Highlander decided to drop kick the latch off the other stall three years ago. All parties involved are annoyed and confined to a space where everything is fucking moistttt. You turn to the girl behind you and evaluate her. You either ask her to be your Sherpa and hold your shit while you pee (if you don’t think she will take off like Usain Bolt) or bitch about how much shorter the guy’s line is. Obviously, she agrees with everything you’re saying like you’re giving the Sermon on the Mound and you instantly click. Now, after this, this cosmic relationship goes a few different ways:

1. You play Six Degrees of Separation to figure out how you have a common friend, and then spend an awkward thirty seconds trying to figure out whether to bond over how much you loveeeee her or whether to shit talk the shit outta that dumb bitch. Side Note: If the “common friend” turns out to make you eskimo sisters, pretend “you don’t really know him” and that you “only met him once at a philanthropy thing.”

2. People start to get annoyed as you hog the tiny mirror and even tinier sink space, but you DON’T CARE because your BESTIE needs the sink. All of the sudden, you’d take a bullet for this girl and you don’t even know why. She speaks to your Franzia-veiled self and is your soul sista. You exit said bathroom with a friendship rainbow above you and mental BFF necklaces from Limited Too.

3. While you try and take care of your business in the most sanitary way (impossible), you hear some kind of obscure compliment about your shoes from the next stall. This will probably be followed by her asking for toilet paper, since most of it is scattered around the bathroom floor like a bad TP-ing job.

4. If you met in a disgusting fraternity “bathroom,” which is really just a horror scene from Shaun of the Dead, then this friendship was formed as a survival mechanism. You both try to avoid catching an unspeakable illness and GTFO because you both need hazardous chemical showers.

No matter how you meet this person, you might have failed to realize the following:

1. Your real bestie SCOWLS at you as you exit the bathroom with this new friend. She either comes in to check out this imposter or leaves while “She Will Be Loved” plays in the background.

2. That lipgloss you shared in the bathroom? Yeah, you failed to notice the blossoming cold sore on her mouth. Foul.

3. This conniving harlequin is in a rival sorority and is about to proclaim to the world whatever deep dark secret your drunken soul decided to share this evening.

Whichever route this encounter happens, don’t forget to change her name in your phone from “Katie Best Friend Foreverrrrrr” to “Katie Maybe A TriDelt” tomorrow.


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BlingleWhiteFemale (@BlingleWhiteFem) is a single blonde female who spends her days campaigning for First Lady. She is a contributing writer for Total Sorority Move.

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