Last week, I filled out an application to be on The Bachelor.The original intent of the column was to offer an honest, silly look into the cesspool of crazy, known in the scientific world as the female brain. The application was to be featured solely on our sister website, Post Grad Problems, except that I kind of fell in love with what I was writing. I identified with it. It was full on psycho, for sure, but it was my full on psycho. And so, with the discouragement of my mother and literally every single (and married) male I work with, I submitted my application to ABC. The past few days have been a group effort, we, the TSM community, have been on a mission: put me, Catie Warren, on The Bachelor. While it was obviously too late to be on this season, the hope for the next installment keeps us all going. What better way for me to make myself known to the ABC family than to blow up their various twitter handles and get my plight trending (we accomplished this last night, by the way, #Catie4TheBachelor, for the win), and so I’ve decided to live-tweet every episode of The Bachelor from here on out. My intentions are completely selfish in nature, this you should know. The only way I’ve ever found myself in a relationship is by completely bullying my partner until they have no choice but to claim me as their own, and so that is what I plan on doing to the good old folks at the American Broadcasting Corporation; you know, force them into casting me. But if I can keep y’all entertained along the way, then good golly, Miss Molly, we have found perfection. Follow me on Twitter on Monday nights for the things you wish you could say about every desperate housewife’s favorite boyfriend, Juan Pablo, and then on TSM on Tuesday for a recap of the orgasmic crazy (sometimes together, sometimes separate) that we have just witnessed.
While our Sunday night snack of an episode offered a sneak peak into the bad bitches who will be swapping spit with Juan Pablo (JP), it wasn’t until the actual premiere last night when we learned just how truly bat shit crazy these girls really are. I’m not going to go into each girl specifically – doing so would require more Xanax than I have handy (I hate all of them) – and more Adderall than you’d care to use this early in the semester (27 girls is a lot of fucking people). So, let’s just discuss the highlights, shall we?
JP: Yes, he’s beautiful. Yes, he’s a daddy. Yes, he might be gay.
Status: The Bachelor, duh. He’s not going anywhere.
Amy J: Otherwise known as Crazy Eyes. We witnessed her orgasming at the mention of JP and she tried to physically mount him during the world’s most awkward massage.
Status: Booted. Are we shocked? No. Are we sad? Yes.
Lauren H: Girlfriend was dumped right before she got married…and she told that to JP…while hysterically crying…within twenty seconds of meeting him.
Status: Booted. Somebody get this girl a shrink.
Sharleen: The opera singer turned most boring person on the whole entire planet. I tweeted this last night, but it bears repeating, she likely has cobwebs in her vagina.
Status: Stayed. Shocking the world, and every other girl in the house, she got the First Impression Rose.
Lucy: Lucy quite literally arrived barefoot and fancy free. She was sans shoes but remembered her forehead accessory: a giant floral headband. She’s…awful.
Status: Stayed. No one understands.
Andi: The lawyer that no one believes is actually a lawyer. I guess pretty girls can be smart, but, whatever, she looks more secretary than partner.
Status: Stayed. JP likes her; no one else does.
Nikki: The pediatric nurse who won’t let you forget it. “I don’t just save people, I save CHILDREN.” We get it. You’re a good person. Please shut up and never speak again.
Status: Stayed. She’s a hot nurse. Was anyone surprised?
As for the rest of them…nobody cares. We’ll get to see more of our favorite boyfriend and his array of bimbos next week. Honestly, I do not like a single one of them and I’m like 7% positive that’s not even jealousy speaking. They’re the worst. 27 girls and I’m not even one of them. Where’s the fairness in that? Get it together, ABC. Until next time.
Image via E! Online