The Anatomy Of A Fuckboy


Their Oversized Ego: It will be hidden underneath some sort of hideous ball cap, a hazing induced bowl cut or a receding hair line. While confidence is attractive, it’s always alarming when a education major with a 2.0 GPA and a beer gut has such a massive ego. This smugness is usually the result of whatever letters they proudly boast in order to hide their mediocre looks behind. Occasionally it can also be traced back to late development (breast fed till they were 7, voice finally cracked senior year, still waiting to shed baby weight, etc.).

Their Ears: For some reason, fuckboys seem to never be listening when you talk to them, but have no problem deciphering a slurred “come over” when you’re hopping in an Uber after the bar. Also the shitty Justin Bieber club remixes that are only acceptable in spin class, seem to always be music to fuckboys’ ears for some unknown reason. Play Love Yourself or pry your fingers off my aux.

Their Eyes: They will wander more than your creepy uncle’s lazy eye. A pretty girl walks by? He just checked her out. A girl with a slamming body walks by? He just checked her out. An okay girl walks by? He just checked her out. A hideous girl walks by? He just checked her out, because you can’t see her face from behind anyway.

Their Nose: If there was justice in this world, it would grow every time he lied to you about that girl who has the 10 day streak next to her name on Snapchat, claimed the bitch he’s taking to his date party is ‘just a friend’ or says the words “Netflix and Chill is a date!” But he’s no Pinocchio, just a real boy who tries to make you his puppet.

Their Mouth: Contrary to popular belief, the lower regions of a fuckboy isn’t even the most important weapon at their disposal. The mouth of a fuckboy is where the magic happens. They run their mouth with crafty apologies, usually know how to use it to con you into forgiving them with their excellent kissing and its always smirking in the face of danger (ie. whatever girl they just pissed off).

Their Shoulders: They’re broad, muscular and you love leaning on one of them when you’re both stumbling home at 3 am. However, a fuckboys’ favorite body movement besides thrusting is The Shrug. Oh I made out with your little at formal? *shrug* sorry!, Oh I didn’t see you texted me, my phone must’ve been acting weird last night *shrug*, Oh all your friends said I was a fuckboy and now I made you look stupid as hell when I ditched you at the bar last night?! *shrug*

Their Hands: A fuckboy’s hands are always touching what isn’t theirs: my ass, my aux, and that girl that definitely is not his girlfriend.

Their Stomach: Depending on the particular species of fuckboy, you may be dealing with a) chiseled abs or b) the dad bod. If he happens to be one of those preworkout crackheads that have a tendency to think mirror Snapchats are the Van Goghs of our generation: he probably had frosted tips in the seventh grade and considers meal prepping a hobby. If he happens to be the kind of abdomen that just screams “Do you have Miller Lite on draft?”: he’ll bald by 29 and be a sixth year senior.

Their Knees: They’d rather you just be on yours.

Their Feet: Four words: quick on his feet. Never trust a boy that can talk his way out of a ticket, rarely slurs when he’s drunk or has any other explanation than “I’m looking to find a side piece” when you ask why he has Tinder. No one should have the answer for everything except maybe Amy Schumer.

And we all know where the brains behind the operation for a fuckboy is: However manipulative fuckboys seem to be, you can usually use head, I mean your head to remind him who’s really in charge.

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