Getting dumped sucks. Trust me, it happened to me last night. Then again, we only dated for about 45 minutes–but still, I’ll never forget you Fernando! Or was it Fabio? Fabian? Fabio? Either way, it was something with a hard F.
No matter who you are, from the meekest little Charlotte on the Upper West Side to the baddest bitch in town, breakups hurt. They always have and they always will, dating back to Henry VIII, the king of dumping women. Literally, cutting off their heads and dumping them into the river. It’s not their fault he didn’t get the son he wanted. Hell, he probably couldn’t even get it up–have you seen the size of the guy? Historians said he was obese, had gout, and possibly even untreated diabetes. Too bad he was, like, 450 years away from the Subway diet. Though even Jared Fogle got divorced. How do you walk away from free sandwiches for life?
I digress. When you get dumped, you have to just shake it off and realize it’s not your fault, it’s that moron’s fault for dumping someone as fierce, fine, fresh, fabulous, and fancy as you. He doesn’t deserve you. It was his dumb mistake for letting you go and he’s going to regret it as soon as he sees you shakin ya tailfeather all over some other guy. But by then, it’ll be too late. You snooze, you lose, chico. Don’t believe me? Fine, but maybe you’ll listen to these fierce mamas who want to show you that you’re a strong, independent woman who don’t need no man.
“Leave (Get Out)” – JoJo
My favorite part about this song is how it starts out so innocuously: “I’ve been waiting all day for ya babe.” She wants him to tell her how they’re going to be together forever, and she dreams about him at night: “I never thought that anyone could make me feel this way.” Then, wait for it… “Now that you’re here, boy, all I want is just a chance to say…GET OUT. RIGHT NOW. It’s the end of you and me!”
BOOM. Dropped the hammer on that cheating mofo. You go, JoJo.
“Bills, Bills, Bills” – Destiny’s Child
The Goddess Yoncé and her prophets take a more subtle approach on this divine bit of wisdom. They tell us, if he can’t pay his own bills, how’s he supposed to take care of you? Nobody wants a man like that. If your boyfriend still asks you for rides and money and things like that–either during the relationship or after the breakup–he isn’t worth a single solitary damn. Why? Because he’s a…
“No Scrubs” – TLC
…scrub. A no good, dirty, rotten scrub. A scrub is a guy who thinks he’s fly, and may or may not also be known as a busta. And we don’t want no scrubs, do we, ladies? No. Effing. Way. You know who’s also a scrub? Any guy who’d dump you, you beautiful betch.
“Absolutely Not” – Deborah Cox
Did I choose this song because of “Queer as Folk”? Perhaps. But it might be THE most rocking girl power anthem of all time. It’s not necessarily a breakup song at all, but I think the collective booty-shaking alone of every woman dancing to this song would shatter every glass ceiling on the planet. Shit, hearing it might make you think you can punch through a plate-glass window. I do not recommend this activity AT ALL, but I love the ferocity–“If I go to work in a mini skirt, am I giving you the right to flirt? I won’t compromise my point of view. Absolutely not.”
“Overprotected” – Britney Spears
Now, I know some of you are going to say, “Stefon, why not ‘Stronger’?” The answer is because I’m writing this article, thank you very much. Now quit complaining and get back to eating your soup. “Overprotected” is a better choice, in my opinion, because it talks about making mistakes and taking chances, and the melody is just so effing catchy I can’t even. That’s what life’s all about, betches. Like Ms. Frizzle from “The Magic School Bus” says, “take chances, make mistakes, get messy.” And I’m all about getting messy.
“Fancy” – Iggy Azalea / “Work” – Iggy Azalea (Tie)
I had a lot of trouble picking which Iggy song to choose, because she’s basically the baddest bitch of all time, so fuck it, I picked both. I mean, she’s so bad, this isn’t even the last time you’ll see Iggy on this list. The songs are kind of like compliments to one another. I mean, “you should want a bad bitch like dis,” right? It’s all about drinking and partying and being FANCAYYYY. Why “Work” though? Because life is a struggle and breakups suck, and you have to work to get back to who you are and appreciate everything you have. Also because “Work” is a zillion times better than the mindless drivel that is “work, bitch.” Love Britt Britt, but fuck do I hate that song. Haters gonna hate.
“Survivor” – Destiny’s Child
Bey’s gospel is so good, we had to put it here twice, praise her mighty weave. This song is literally all about splitting up with someone, whether that be your boo of two years, the hunky Spanish guy you met last night, or LaTivia, LaToya and Farrah Franklin. Thought she couldn’t SELL without you, betches? SOLD NINE MILLION. Blast this shit and get amped, 2000s-style.
“Don’t Think I’m Not” – Kandi
Bet you bitches forgot about Kandi. HOW COULD YOU? Her solo single, “Don’t Think I’m Not,” is allllllll about girl power and being a powerful, bad bitch. It’s a message to all the men out there, whether they creep on you or they decide to take a “break” while you “find yourself.” If you’re on the prowl, on the creep, at a club, or in bed bangin’, don’t think I’m not. Cause I’M OUT GETTIN’ MINE. Gotta get yours, bitches.
“No More (Baby I’ma Do Right)” – 3LW
My favorite part of this song may be the section where the alleged bastard boyfriend/ex promised her Kate Spade, “but that was last year, boy, in the eighth grade.” So are we to believe that this song was written and performed by ninth graders? I mean, nothing surprises me when it comes to early 2000s hip-hop, but that would be a pretty impressive feat. Oh, 3LW. We miss you.
“Problem” (Feat. Iggy Azalea) – Ariana Grande
See, told you this wouldn’t be the last time you’d see Iggy on this list. She’s just so bad. And her fucking hips DEFY PHYSICS. UNREAL. SHE IS NOT HUMAN. And while the premise of this song is about a girl who KNOWS a guy isn’t good for her but keeps going back to him anyway, Iggy sums up the whole issue perfectly: “There’s a million yous, Baby Boo, so don’t be dumb / I got 99 problems but you won’t be one.” Boom. Bow down. When those hips talk, you listen.
“No More Tears (Enough is Enough)” – Barbara Streisand and Donna Summer
We were NOT getting out of here without a trip down diva memory lane. Ughmagahhhhh I remember dancing around my living room to this song as a kid, which, in retrospect, probably should’ve given people a lot of clues. But this is the perfect song to end on–it’s so iconic and wonderful and upbeat that there’s no WAY you can listen to the whole song and not be sad anymore. I mean, shit, it’s the messiah, Barbara Streisand, and the queen of funk, Donna Summer. Doesn’t get much more fierce than that.
So, ladies who are feeling down (and gents, I know you’re in here, too) after a breakup, remember that you are beautiful, you are strong, you are fierce, and you will make it through the rain. You’re better than the people who dumped you and you know it. Well, unless your ex moves on to date Mark Consuelos, in which case, you can’t really get much better than that slice of human perfection. Mmmmmmm.