The 9 Worst Dates, Ranked


9. The Movies

I get why the movies are such a common date. You shell out $40, get to pig out, and you don’t actually talk to the person you’re with for a good two plus hours. That’s my kind of evening. But if you want a good date, a movie isn’t really the way to go. The tension of deciding whether or not you’re going to hold hands (or do a little more, if you know what I’m saying) and then the high probability that some part of our body will fall asleep as your contort your limbs to cuddle with him/her. Plus, it’s not like you get to gaze into their eyes, discuss your dreams of getting married like, yesterday, and be convincing enough to make things FBO. Still, it’s better than mini golf. *shudders*

8. A Nice Restaurant

I get why people want to go to nice restaurants. You get to dress up, judge the shit out of everyone, and act like you’d be in first-class on the Titanic instead of the respectable second-class you really are. But once you’re there, what do you order? Is there a price limit? And why do all of the options suck? Liver? Dead, baby cow? Something you can’t pronounce but suspect is some sort of inedible organ? Why not just cut the shit and bring out the pizza like you really want? And if the stress of ordering isn’t enough, the stress of what to talk about should do it. Because cooking that duck perfect? It takes a good three hours. And the chocolate cake? Another 2367532 years. So you better have a lot of great talking points, a lot of charm, and a lot of table manners to make a date at a nice restaurant actually enjoyable.

7. A Mediocre Restaurant

Considering how much I bitched about nice restaurants, you’d think I’d be cool with a mediocre restaurant. I mean, there I’m likely to get some mozzarella sticks, some crayons to color with, and two for one drinks. BUT when it comes down to it, a date is a date. It should be romantic or original or not in a Chili’s. At least if a guy takes me to a nice restaurant I get the impression that he’s trying. Overcompensating, maybe. But still trying. But if he pulls up to a sub-par chain where steaks are $12.99, my plans of giving him a beej are immediately downgraded to a handy. If he’s lucky. And if he orders the never-ending chips and salsa. Just sayin’.

6. Anything With His Friends

A college guy with friends is a lot of work. Not only do you have to win him over, but you have to win over his throng of brothers and best friends. This means baking a lot, a lot of just hanging out with them in someone’s shitty living room, and a lot of things to be cool with. The friend who always low key hits on you? He’s just friendly! The one who posts political statement on Facebook? He’s just passionate! And the one who’s actually a dick? Well. You just have to be cool with him. Anything involving these guys does not count as a date. It counts as “putting in your time before you show him your crazy.”

5. Some Sort Of Sporting Event

Some girls really like sports. They also probably like giving blow jobs and being cool about his exes. But for the rest of us, attending a sporting event is like going into a test that we know we’re going to fail. A hot, all-day test filled with sweaty people and confusion. How many selfies can you take? Do they serve vodka? Are there any seats that don’t make you need to immediately see a chiropractor after? That, on top of having to act like you understand and care what’s going on isn’t a date. It’s a means of torture.

4. An Apartment Cooked Meal

I get why this could be considered romance. If he knows how to cook, if he has an expensive apartment overlooking downtown, and if you have to do zero work then sure. But that’s not what usually happens. Chances are he shares an apartment with at least three other guys. Their kitchen is disgusting, they don’t actually have a dining room table, and all of the other guys in the house will be popping in the room when they’re not busy shouting at the tv screen in the next room. Plus, I know he says you don’t have to do anything, but considering the fact that he doesn’t even know how to make pasta and he hates washing dishes, you pretty much end up doing all the work. Besides, everyone knows that a “home cooked meal” is just a codeword for sex. But hey, at least you get fed?

3. Hiking

Just fucking kill me first.

2. Putt Putt Golf

The second worst date ever is none other than putt putt golf. A date playing mini-golf is liking combining all of the worst aspects of a bad date and putting them together. Being outside? Ugh. Being outside in the heat? UGH. Having to do physical activity? Having to act like you enjoy sports? Trying to pretend you understand and/or care about the ball goes? Small talk while playing a dumb game and trying not to let him see just how fucking psycho you can get (because it took you twelve tries to get the stupid ball in the hole on a par 2)? Yeah. This date has all of it. Maybe it’s because I don’t want to do pyscial activity on a date (other than the obvious). Maybe it’s just because I’m horendous at mini-golf. Either way, a date going golfing is worse than not going on a date at all.

1. Sex

It happens on most dates. But if the date IS the sex, it ain’t a date at all. I mean, come on. At least feed me before you fuck me.

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Rachel Varina

(yeahokaywhat) Aspiring to be the next Tina Fey, Rachel spends her free time doing nothing to reach that goal. While judging people based on how they use "they're" vs. "there" on social media, she likes eating buffalo chicken dip, watching other people's Netflix, and wearing sweatpants way more than is socially acceptable.

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