The last month of college is a strange and scary time, no doubt. But upon closer inspection, it’s full of opportunities. Specifically in the dick department. If you’re one of those people who is in a relationship and so ~in love~ doing whatever people with hearts do, fucking neat. But if you’re single like most girls about to graduate, you have a golden opportunity to do whatever, and whoever, you want. You’re going out with a (literal) bang, and since you’re leaving undergrad behind soon, you might as well leave a trail of destruction, broken hearts, and used condoms in your wake. So far I’ve found that the boys on my “To Do” list fall into some pretty specific types, some requiring special moves from your arsenal of seduction.
1. The Old Freshman Flame
Ah yes, the oldie but goodie. Maybe you’ve never hooked up or maybe it’s been literal years, either way, you ran into him in the library a week ago, and damn, he still looks fine as hell. Well done, freshman me. This one’s relatively easy to set up, assuming he’s currently single, otherwise steer clear, you’re not a mistress. Text him. Some sentimental shit like, “Hey, it was good running into you the other day. Let’s definitely hang out soon. I want to know what you’ve been up to!” This roughly translates to “I’ll listen to you talk about your life plans for a bit and then all you’ll be up to is this pussayyy”.
2. The Hottie From Class
Maybe you’ve had reservations in the past about hooking up with a guy from class. What if it goes badly? What if he’s weird towards me all semester? Fear not, in a few weeks, it won’t matter. Assuming you’ve got friends in your class, like any normal gal with social skills, get your class squad to go out. Tell him what bar you’ll all be at, or if like me, you actually see him out all the time, just capitalize on being in the same bar, and make your move. As I’m sure most of you know, it’s not all that hard to snag a guy at the bar. I believe in you.
3. The Dad Bod
Might as well see what all the fuss is about.
4. Cute Guy You Always See Out At The Bar But Never Actually Talk To
Every single week it’s the same. You see him at the bar. He sees you. You eye fuck a little bit. He might whisper something to you as he squeezes by at the bar, but besides that you’ve never actually talked or exchanged numbers (or saliva). While it’s nice that he’s been hovering in that sweet mystical spot of perfection (where you don’t know if he sucks or not since you haven’t actually met, so you give him the benefit of the doubt), you always leave thinking, damn I should have talked to him. Of course you know his name and house already since you’ve thoroughly stalked him on the internet, but you need to bring it to the real world. The solution for this one is simple: talk to him. Duh. It’s especially easy since there’s already a mutual attraction here. The next time you see him out (and you know you will), when you lock eyes, walk straight up to him and tell him your name. Bam. He’s now real and available to put his penis inside of you.
5. Your Old Fuck Buddy Who You Kind Of Love/Kind of Hate
This one gets a bit tricky depending on how you left things. Most likely, you love the dick, but hate the guy who owns it. You like the guy, but he doesn’t like you, and that obviously pisses you off. I’d bet a lot that you’re not on the best of terms since if you were cool with each other, you’d probably still be fuck buddies. This has to go case by case since no two fuck buddy situations are exactly alike. He probably still would hit it, especially if you’re still hot and still pulling guys better-looking than he is. Nothing has been proven to get the old ones interested again better than some good ole’ fashioned PDA with literally anyone but him, right in front of him. It says hey, someone wants to fuck me besides you, and they’ll probably get to, and you’ll be left here remembering how good we were together in bed. Ball’s in his court.
6. One (Or All) Of Your Official Exes
Never, ever, ever, knock hate sex until you’ve had it.
7.That One Guy You’ve Had A Hopeless Crush On Since Freshman Year
For whatever reason, you and this guy have never officially met. He has no idea that you exist on this planet, or at least that’s what you think. He might have seen you around or heard of you. But you know about him. You know about his ex girlfriend who wasn’t as skinny or pretty as you, but she was in a better house, so she landed him. And you know what his dog’s name is. For as much as you’ve creeped, this is one of those times where you need to grow a pair of lady-balls, and just go for it. If he hasn’t come up to you in a bar in almost four years, it’s unlikely that he’ll do so now just because undergrad is about to end. Grab life by the horns, and just maybe you’ll get a chance to grab his ass.
8. The Guy Who’s Out Of Your League
Usually I’d say to never tell yourself that a guy’s out of your league, but I’d be a huge hypocrite, because every now and then there’s the odd guy who I see and think, holy shit. He’s not just in another league, he’s in a whole different sport. Here I am in the WNBA, and he’s playing fucking Rugby. Similar to the guy you’ve always had a crush on who doesn’t know you’re alive, this one’s on you. Now, I’m not saying to shamelessly throw yourself at him, but I’m definitely not NOT saying that. It depends on how much you think it’s worth compared to swallowing a bit of your pride if he’s not into it/if anyone sees you being super forward. Worst case, he’s not into it, whatever. Best case, he’s a trophy lay that you get to brag about to your friends forever.
9. That One Guy Just To Stir Up Trouble
Maybe this is just me, because I’m a total psycho, but hey going back to the trail of destruction mentioned earlier. Maybe he used to date a girl you know, maybe he’s your old TA, hell, he might even be your old flame’s best friend. But whatever, that old flame was a dick anyway. You’re bored, and he’s hot. As long as you’re willing to deal with (read: ignore) whatever bullshit it may bring, go for it. The more trouble you cause, the more everyone will remember you when you’re gone. And if you’ve ever seen “Sandlot,” you know that heroes get remembered, but legends never die.
So go out, get a little promiscuous with what some people may call “too many” boys. College is one of the very very limited times that (safe) casual sex is socially acceptable and not just a sign of a mental breakdown or midlife crisis. Enjoy it!.