The 9 Best Dates, Ranked


9. Bar Hopping In A Trendy Area

While bar hopping seems like it’s the same as “going out” it’s not and you’re dumb. Still the least appealing of the good dates, bar hopping is actually a solid date if it has, at least, two out of three of the following components:
• It’s in a very trendy neighborhood with lots of Instagram-worthy decor.
• There are food trucks or cafés where you can get snacks.
• Dogs are welcome.
And, of course, he has to pay for everything. Before you jump down my throat, I totally think girls should pay sometimes. But in a dream world filled with dream dates, those $9 bloody marys and artisan pretzel bites are on his tab.

8. Farmer’s Market/Antiquing/Some Place With Outdoor Produce

There’s a reason why guys joke about how much they hate farmer’s markets. Because bitches? Bitches love farmer’s markets. The organic honey in adorable mason jars. The kettle corn, the fresh produce, the samples. The endless array of photo ops and overpriced drinks in coconuts. Maybe we love it because the only reason a guy will go with us is because he genuinely likes us. Maybe it’s because they take place on Sundays, and spending a Sunday together means that things are getting ~serious~. Or maybe it’s a combination of the sunshine, the flowers, and the fact that holding hands and getting snacks are basically mandatory. Whatever it is, it’s pretty much perfect. And bonus: you’re tricking him into shopping. Win-win.

7. Some Sort Of Dinner Show

A dinner show is just about the closest you can get to actually having a guy hand you his balls. For the most part, finding a straight male who enjoys the theatre is basically impossible. So if a male takes you to see RENT or Wicked, and you get a buffet before the show then you know you’re a winner. There’s nothing quite like sitting next to a guy for three plus hours, knowing that he wants to die while you’re watching something that gives you joy. And hello? You can point out all of the dance moves that you can totally do better.

6. Brunch

Brunch, like a market or bar hopping, is ideal for any basic. It usually happens on a Sunday, which means you either spent the night together, or you plan to spend the day together. There’s drinking. Lots and lots of drinking. 10/10 times brunch leads into day drinking. And day drinking leads to lazy sex which leads to a relationship which leads to marriage which leads into a happily ever after. That’s just how that shit works.

5. Massage

Getting a massage is like the gift of an orgasm without penetration. Whether it’s a couples massage or something more intense like a Swedish, stone, shiatsu, pound of pain, nothing is better than getting a rub down from a stranger. You get to wear fluffy robes, giggle about how you’re naked, drink fancy water, and you know he shelled out $200ish just to make you groan in pleasure. Besides, when you check in at a spa on Facebook, everyone just knows that your boyfriend loves you more than their boyfriend loves them. And isn’t that the point of a date, after all?

4. Some Sort Of Painting With Alcohol

It’s crazy that this is so high up on the list, right? I mean, it’s just painting. But is it? Is it really? Going to one of those painting plus drinking classes is pretty much the ideal date. First of all, you’re crafting. You’re literally conning a guy into crafting with you. Second of all, you’re getting drunk. Paint and drinking means lots of adorable photo opportunities which will ensure people commenting saying that “you’re so adorable” which will reinforce that he should, in fact, be with you. And then, you have these matching pieces of art that you made together. I’d like to see him try to dump you when he has a painting of a fucking tree he created with you hanging in his loft. Yeah. It’s impossible.

3. Something Quirky That Shows He *Gets* You.

Maybe you’re into helping out at the animal shelter. Maybe you’re into day drinking. Maybe you actually do like sports or maybe you like to go to the mall and judge people. Whatever it is that you love, he gets it. Having a guy take you on a date tailored specifically for you is the dream. Most likely, he’s doing something he hates while proving that he actually listens to you. If that doesn’t make you feel #blessed, I don’t know what will.

2. Oral

It doesn’t really matter what else happens on the date (sort of a lie, but whatever). If it ends, starts, or involves oral, it’s a winner.

1. Ring Shopping

The only thing better than a perfect date is going on the perfect date to find the perfect ring for that perfect life. If he pulls you into a jewelry shop to “browse,” the words “ring by spring! Ring by spring!” will play on a loop in your head. Feel free to start pinning save-the-dates like your life depends on it. After all of the shitty dates to Chili’s, conversations about football, and texts he “forgot” to send, you’ve earned it. And that three carat halo ring.

And other than that, I’d have to say April 25th. Because it’s not too hot, not too cold. All you need is a light jacket!

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Rachel Varina

(yeahokaywhat) Aspiring to be the next Tina Fey, Rachel spends her free time doing nothing to reach that goal. While judging people based on how they use "they're" vs. "there" on social media, she likes eating buffalo chicken dip, watching other people's Netflix, and wearing sweatpants way more than is socially acceptable.

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