If you’re a drinker like me, Ladies Night is a mystical time in your life. There are half priced wines, two-for-one jello shooters, and various vodka based specials being promoted with signs inevitably written in a “fun” cursive typeface with some sort of kiss print clipart in the corner. Bartenders are bracing themselves to hear way too many “I can’t believe I’m telling you this…” stories and just crossing their fingers that no one ends up needing their hair held back. Get your $5 Moscow Mule, take a seat, listen to Kara’s story about the one night stand she had a week and a half ago but she’s like “Pretty sure they’ll hook up again,” and take stock of your surroundings. There are several people who are at this bar every Thursday. Look closely and see how many you can spot.
1. The one who was hoping there’d be guys.
Doesn’t matter that this night was clearly promoted for women, she is working that bandage skirt and smokey eye until the cows come home. She is contoured, coifed, and sucking it in until she either gets too drunk to continue to give a shit or realizes that every dude worth getting weird with is at a sports bar and not coming. Then she’ll probably turn her attention to the poor, poor bartender who’s just trying to make it to last call without anyone crying.
2. The group who’s obviously there to “shake things up”.
Whether they’re a group of moms who are out on the town or a handful of graduate students who are suddenly really into Groupon, they are ready to GO. They’re cheering about everything; the flatbread they’re ready to devour, the round of melon balls they did because they’re “so bad,” the fact that they got their waiter to flex. All of the aforementioned activities get an enthusiastic “Woooo!!!!” from all nine of them. Just wait until someone suggests desert. It’s going to get WILD.
3. The two that are basically in a relationship.
They clearly do everything together. They’re tucking bra straps back in, getting stuff off of each other’s faces, passing their phones back and forth. They’re the 20-something girls who, while technically single, are in a long-term relationship with their best friend. God forbid a guy actually tries to approach them. One will pretend to be flattered while the other totally shuts him down. They’ve definitely talked about buying a duplex and living side by side.
4. The gay man.
He’s here for one of two reasons. He was either roped into going with his girl friends and will spend the entire evening talking shit about people and reenforcing stereotypes, OR he is here purely to drink and cruise on straight guys who are here to drink and cruise on girls. There will be at least one “How dare you!” thrown the bartender’s way when he explains that the drink specials are for ladies. Eventually, he’ll eventually wear him down so he, too, can enjoy cheap margaritas and shots that taste like Kool-Aid.
5. The one who just got off work.
She is not here to chat, she is not here to mingle, she is here to eat and get drunk alone before Ubering back to her apartment. She does not have time for anyone’s bullshit. She is going to roll her eyes at the cheering happening from the group table and laugh when she hears about the drink specials. She doesn’t need a drink special, she needs an IV of gin and tonic and for everyone to leave her alone while she goes on Pinterest in between ordering and devouring her fish tacos.
7. The straight guys.
There they are. There’s most likely only three, maybe five of them, but there they are. They either had no idea it was Ladies Night and now they’re trying to strategize how to get out of there without being swarmed or they’re really into drinks with curly straws and umbrellas and are just looking for a reason to suck a few down (No homo) without anyone making fun of them. There’s a good chance they also recognize this night is the one night where they have to do none of the work. It’s like the grown up version of Sadie Hawkins. They can sit back, relax, and enjoy their Strawberry Sex while taking their pick of suitors.
8. The couple.
They missed the memo that the bar would be filled with ladies. They’re really hoping that no one thinks they’re on the prowl for a third. The girl is going to eat it up, touching her boyfriend’s arm every chance she gets as if to say, “Look at what I caught, BITCHES. Jealous?” and the guy is just hoping she doesn’t notice how many asses he’s stared at already..