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The 7 Types of Sluts

Naturally, when you don’t like a girl, the easiest thing to do is call her a slut. And chances are, you’re going to be right about your diagnosis of your nemesis. But really…this has a lot to do with the fact that most girls are sluts in one way or another. Of course there are different levels of “slut” some much worse than others, but most of us can identify with one type or another. Which one are you?

MO Ho

This is the most common type of slut. These girls aren’t really sluts at all, they just really like to make out (who doesn’t?) and become slightly…morally loose when alcohol is present. If you fall into this category, you normally head out for the night and genuinely have the intention of dancing with your pledge sisters and have little concern for guys. Until a guy shows up, that is. The object of your affection has prepared for the hard-to-get type like you with a very toxic potion: Hunch Punch. Men are wise to our magnetic attraction to all things colorful and delicious, so when a decently attractive guy offers you a solo cup, it’s not long before you’re bent over grinding your classy ass all up on his genitals. He turns you around and drops a cheesy line like “face me so I can stare into your beautiful eyes” (as if you really needed an excuse other than “I’m drunk, and he was cute”) and soon you are violently sucking face and humping his leg in what is a cross between dancing and foreplay. Luckily (for you, not him), your sisters are fully aware that parties are war zones and you act as a tightly bonded militia; no one gets left behind. A sister will grab you to let you know that everyone is leaving and it’s time to say goodbye to your new friend. Because you’re just a MO Ho, you don’t object to ending your adventures here, and your boy is left stiff and sad.

Freshman Slut

The freshman slut takes two forms: actual freshman (duh) and newly single older girl (who clearly isn’t actually a freshman, but has the maturity and rational thinking ability of one). Either way, you’ve just become a part of a whole new world, and decide your best way to explore it is by taking advantage of all the things you couldn’t do before…namely, drinking to the point of embarrassment and hooking up with any guy who approaches you. He’s often a junior in a top tier fraternity which you think is just neato, and though don’t remember his name you know it ends in roman numerals so you have no qualms about running to a cab and getting it on. A smart girl would stop after one night of inhibition, but you’re a freshman, so you’re stupid! If Roman Numerals doesn’t call back you either feel rejected and unloved or awesome about your ability to “have sex like a man” and either way, you will repeat the cycle. Over, and over. Hopefully, after a few times, you realize this isn’t actually that cool, and you decide to wait for a guy who will call you back and maybe invite you to a date night. If not, your reputation WILL catch up to you. You’ll realize that NOT everyone is behaving how you are, and that guys are using you and leaving you for a “nice girl” you know…what you used to be. Girls will judge you once you’ve fallen deep into the world of the Freshman Slut and you will be stuck in a gaping hole of shame, regret, and low self-esteem, much like your vagina.

Puppy Slut

This is the category I’d say I fall into. Now, I’ve never been the hook-up type. I really prefer at least three dinner dates and minimum of one gift (and flowers do not count as a gift). At the bar I’m more of the let-them-buy-me-drinks-until-they-get-creepy type. But I have the biggest weakness for dogs. I love all dogs. Pure breeds, mutts, big dogs, small dogs, ALL dogs. So if a guy offers me a chance to meet his new golden retriever, of course I will jump at the opportunity to play with the little snuggle muffin. That’s how they trap me. Once I see the dog I never want to leave its side. I agree to stay over and, well, you know the rest. The Puppy Slut isn’t a dog-specific thing, I just named it that so my type would be the cutest. Really, any girl who hooks up with a guy for a reason counts. This could be for reasons like his really great boat, his parents own a winery, or because his fraternity hosts the best parties and you want to make sure you always have tickets to the events. The problem is, you’re only hanging out with this guy for the “thing” and oftentimes you’re not totally into him. My fear is that one day I’ll wake up married to some Joe-Lunch-Bucket with the Animal Hoarders camera crew throwing me an intervention because I’ll literally do anything to be with the puppy. In these situations, you’re going to eventually need to end your interaction with the guy, because he pines for you, and you’re pining for whatever it is they’re offering you.

The Closet Slut

This is the type of slut I don’t quite understand. Now, I’m not advocating bragging, necessarily, about your sexcapades, but this girl literally pretends they never happened. She’s the type to sarcastically use the word “classy” in judgment, but really…BITCH, you do it too! I don’t know why these girls think lying about what they’ve done makes it any less true, but for some reason they NEED to keep it all behind closed doors. Isn’t giggling about boys and not fearing judgment from each other a part of what sisterhood is about? We’re young, and if you can’t tell your best girlfriends about what you do, then I’m judging you more than everyone else. The difference between this girl and the other sluts, is she’s clearly beyond ashamed of herself, and so she feels the need to deny it. I’m definitely a proponent of being a lady in the streets and a freak in the sheets, but the whole “lady” thing is for the general public…like boys, parents, PNMs, and your rival sorority. If you’re regretting every decision you make to the point you have to lie about it and talk down to your friends for doing the same thing, you’ve got your own issues.

Twitter Slut

Being a slut on twitter is kind of like getting a cancer diagnosis off of Web MD. It’s not real life, and you are probably blowing it out of proportion. Twitter sluts often don’t think they have the looks to pull off being a slut in the real world, so they choose a venue in which they can be anonymous! They tweet slutty things like #TeamPillowTits, which may be true but they are also on #TeamNeedsANoseJob or #TeamMuffinTop. Even if they’re not anonymous, these girls still exist. Twitter, unlike facebook, is a social media where you can moderate exactly the pictures that other people are seeing of you. Of COURSE you look hot when your pictures are all close-ups taken by yourself on your MacBook and then photo-shopped. Also, hint: when a girl makes a weird face in all of her pictures…it’s because her real face isn’t that cute. These girls continue to take strategically angled shots of themselves (and their cleavage), and tweet about their cum-guzzling skills or the smoothness of their labia in order to get attention from guys they have never met perhaps to compensate for the male attention that they are lacking in real life. The thing that’s annoying about them is that everyone can see it. Normal sluts at least keep it behind closed doors. Twitter Sluts are just a nuisance to everyone but the guys who become obsessed with them. Other girls can take comfort in the fact that these guys are usually just average-looking and for the most part, the twitter sluts are average-looking too. They use social media to deal with their crippling daddy issues, which is why they attach to any guy who tweets “I love you @TitsMcGee69,” and while it’s annoying, it’s just a case of the average and downtrodden flirting with the average and downtrodden, balancing out the twitterverse. It’s the circle of life.

The Everything-But Slut

For some reason, girls assert special meaning to sex. Not that sex shouldn’t be special and meaningful, but they are under the impression that having sex with a lot of people is the only way to be slutty. NEWSFLASH: It isn’t. The Everything-But Slut has some sort of obsession with keeping her number down, but she still has the same slutty tendencies as lots of other girls. So her away around it? She’ll do everything BUT have sex with someone. This includes, but is not limited to: tit-fucking, blow jobs, receiving oral, anything going up someone’s butt, excessive sending of nudes, and anything else that you’d be humiliated if your father found out about it. She will use and abuse the phrase “but we didn’t have sex, so it doesn’t count.” No honey, it does count. Last time I checked, you can still get diseases from sucking a lot of dick (probably even more easily, because who uses a condom when giving a blow job?) and no guy wants to wife up a girl who’s tasted 9 of his brothers’ cumshots. Sorry girlfriend, despite whatever you’re telling yourself, you’re still a slut…but even worse, you’re a slut with rugburn on your knees.

Home Wrecker

This is possibly the worst offender of them all. We all know her and we hate her bitch ass. She only wants the guy who already has a girl and she will make it her personal mission to split a happy couple up. She will break every rule in the girl code, basically setting women back by like 40 billion years. She starts by becoming friends with your man, but she does it all in such a way that he doesn’t even recognize that she’s being a manipulative bitch. She’ll purposely do things like write some inside joke on his wall…every girl knows that if a guy is taken, you do NOT mess around with his facebook wall, unless you’re trying to piss the girlfriend off. It’s like dangling it everyone’s face that you don’t have control over your man. Guys however, are naive to this, and so when you say something…you look like a psycho. She continues to do little things to get on your every last fucking nerve. She will passive aggressively insult everything about you, show up to a party in the same dress as you, and slowly turn you into an emotionally unstable mental patient. But she remains cool, and might even play the victim. You KNOW she’s doing this on purpose. It will cause fights with you and your bf and who does he complain to about your crazy ass? Her. She’ll be the one to tell him he has every right to do as he pleases, and that if you really loved him, you wouldn’t be threatened by their friendship. She is a master manipulator. If she’s successful, he’ll end up leaving you for her, and the absolute worst part? Once she has your guy, she doesn’t want him as if to tell you your choice in men is subpar to hers (ok, maybe that’s not 100% the reason, but to me, it just seems like another way to insult you). At least you can take solace in knowing that she will be nothing but a dried up old hag while you live happily ever after with your husband, Ryan Gosling. Right?

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