Television is great. It allows us to forget about the fact that someone hasn’t texted us back or that we really should be studying for that test tomorrow. We get to suspend our reality and become invested in television dramas so fucked up that our lives don’t seem all that bad, and we don’t realize we ate the entire bag of sour cream and onion chips. Unfortunately, every now and then, a commercial comes on that is so horrible, so painful, so uncomfortably awful that we regret ever avoiding our responsibilities. When one of those commercials comes on, I want you to know that you are not alone. Women everywhere hate life, too.
Nothing is worse than sitting next to your boyfriend wearing old sweatpants and shoveling guacamole into your mouth like avocados are going out of style (LOL) when a woman–whose body was OBVIOUSLY created by someone who didn’t get your home address–wearing a very skimpy swimsuit sits on the hood of a nice car and eats a giant piece of dead cow. Bonus points if Paris Hilton walks in just as your boyfriend’s pants get mysteriously tight. While my boyfriend might think this is a GREAT marketing campaign, I do not. That car is most likely extremely hot, and with that much skin showing, she is likely to burn herself. And come on, not only did she not actually eat that burger, but I can assure you that is NOT what you will get if you go to one of those chain restaurants. By that, I mean the quality of the burger and the scantily clad woman. Note: if you’re with your dad when one of these commercials comes on, you need to get out of the room as fast as you fucking can and do not, I repeat DO NOT, look back.
Ugh. These are horrible no matter what. It’s like, yes, Judy Bloom talked me though what is going to happen to my changing body. I get it. Advertising your product for all to see will not make me want to buy it, but it will make me mad that you reminded me that I have to deal with crippling cramps once a month. If you’re with a male, it’s actually cruel and unusual punishment. If you don’t manage to change the channel in time, you have to awkwardly shout a riveting conversation at him to keep him from understanding what is happening on the screen. Personally, I don’t think the word “period” should ever be uttered around men, let alone BROADCAST ON NATIONAL TELEVISION THAT SOMETIMES WOMEN WEAR A DIAPER-LIKE DEVICE TO TRAP THE BLOOD COMING OUT OF THEIR VAGINAS. No wonder so many of us end up alone.
Yeast Infection Medication
I honestly don’t even fully know what these are. I avoid any topic involving the word “yeast,” and the few times my friends have told me that it happened to them and sought comfort from me, I made a disgusted face and asked them if they could still eat bread. When a commercial for ointment you put on your itchy vag comes on the television, I would literally rather punch myself repeatedly in the face than feel the air sucked out of the room by mutual yeast-detesting disgust. Keep that in mind, Vagisil.
We get it. Smoking is bad. And if you smoke, you’re bad. And the world is bad. The end. Thank you for clearing that up, anti-smoking companies. But, as my lungs and I are relaxing in bed with alcohol and some good, old-fashioned guilt food, nothing is worse than a “if you smoke, you will lose your teeth and legs and face and lungs and life and die” commercial. Like, I took D.A.R.E., too, okay? It’s not that it’s a bad message, it’s just a bad message when I’m three-fourths deep into my bottle of wine and, as a result, in an emotionally unstable place.
Erectile Dysfunction Medication
Seeing old men not able to get it up just really brings me down.
To every jewelry commercial ever: yes, I want that beautiful diamond pendant, and obviously I’d love the jade earrings that just so happen to be on sale. And please, don’t get me started on that three-karat princess cut that just screams “my life is perfect please be jealous of me forever.” When I see these commercials by myself, it’s depressing because my cat doesn’t have opposable thumbs or the monetary means to purchase such items. And if I do, in fact, have a boyfriend who is watching this with me, I have to act like it’s cool and engagement rings aren’t on my mind at all, which sort of cancels out all of the work (read: blow jobs) I’ve put in toward my ring. So thanks for cramping my style, guys.
Animal Abuse Commercials, Especially Those Featuring Sarah McLachlan
And finally, Ms. McLachlan. When you hear “in the arms of the angel, fly away from here,” you need to take her advice and fly far, far away. Nothing will ruin your day like five minutes of depressing animals looking at you with giant eyes, begging you to donate money. Come on, Sarah. If you love the animals so much, YOU donate. After seeing this, you’re forced to go find more snacks to avoid the pain that watching this commercial causes–which will then make you fat. So now, you’re not only fatter, but you also feel guilty for not donating money to the animals. I blame you, Sarah McLachlan. I mean, after doing the ALS Ice Bucket Challenge, how much more do you want from me?
And this is why I Netflix.