The 5 Types of Assholes

As it would appear, we all like assholes, to a varying degree. I’ve broken them all down into the different types…each kind a bigger asshole than the last, all building upon each other. If you can’t beat them, join them…or wait, no…that isn’t right. Whatever.

Level 1: The Cocky Asshole

The very nature of “being an asshole” is this basic ingredient: Arrogance. Without it, you really won’t have the ability to be any type of asshole at all. Often confusing arrogance with “confidence,” this is the very thing that girls find so attractive in a guy and the reason for the whole “I like assholes” thing. The cocky asshole is usually rich and handsome (I mean, he needs something about which to be cocky) and oh, so smug about it all. He epitomizes the difference between being great and knowing you’re great as is evident through his tone, mannerisms, and the way he carries himself and it’s absolutely irresistable. His elitist attitude makes us believe he’s just as great as he thinks he is so he becomes just as great as he thinks he is. While he’s nice to the people he deems worthy, (his friends, family, and girls who are pretty enough) he makes damn sure everyone else knows he’s better than they are…and good grief, he is an asshole for it.

Level 2: The Scheming Asshole

In order to be a scheming asshole, one must also be arrogant, because in order to properly scheme, you need to know, without a doubt, that girls are fawning over you. You can then use that knowledge to your advantage. The scheming asshole is the guy that most people (despite how much I HATE this word) would classify as a “player.” He is quite literally charming your pants off, with his “you’re so beautiful”s and “I like having you in my life” and all that other game-spittage. He’ll make you feel special, and he plays into all of your little quirks and makes you think he thinks it’s adorable. He’s a master at his trade. He invented the mid-week investment text…You know, when he texts you soberly on a Wednesday afternoon just to ensure you’ll be in his bed Friday night? A genius way to make you think he gives a shit, really. He’ll tell you whatever you want to hear…how excited his mom is to meet you, how much his friends all love you, whatever…none of those people have even heard your name. In fact, he barely remembers it himself. And to make matters worse, he is absolutely doing it to every other girl he knows. He’s either so good you don’t know, or so good you don’t care, but either way, Casanova is playing you like the a game of pong in a dirty frat basement…and he’s really, really good at it. The thing is, he’s not all bad; he’s not even a mean person. He doesn’t want to see you hurt. It’s just that EVERYTHING he does is for a purpose, and the purpose is always, always, always poon.

Level 3: The Cruel Asshole

The Cruel Asshole is the kind of guy that guys think of when they hear the word asshole. They don’t think they count as an asshole unless they’re actually being mean to you to your face. They’re wrong, of course, but this is where we start to enter a real dangerous category. Of course, this builds upon the first two types…the Cruel Asshole must also be arrogant to pull off this kind of behavior, and is usually scheming as well. These (generally) build upon each other. This guy goes about his scheming completely differently. The Scheming Asshole uses his compliments, and flirtiness and charm to get you into bed…the Cruel Asshole just can’t care that much. The fuck (giving) stops here. They are cocky enough to know that they can have you without all that effort, so they don’t put all that effort in. They sometimes play little games to see just how much shit you’ll take from them. He’ll casually insult you in a way that leaves you unsure if he’s kidding. He doesn’t think, or even pretend to think, it’s cute when you are giggly or ditzy and sometimes most of the time, it’s fun for him to toy with your emotions. It’s not that he specifically wants to hurt your feelings, it’s just that…he doesn’t really consider your feelings at all. He honestly doesn’t realize that you’re a sentient being and is literally viewing you as a being existing solely for his entertainment. If he knew what he was doing (or to the extent), he’d feel like shit…and maybe…if you’re lucky, he’ll fork over an apology. It’s this tiny glimmer of “decent human being” that keeps you holding on. You think he’s just hurt, or going through a phase, or didn’t get enough hugs growing up, or something and you can change him. He sucks, absolutely, but this is the last level of asshole it is permissible to be attracted to. Normally an encounter with this guy is what you “learn” from and “mature” to going for guys with hearts. After this, we enter the realm of self-destruction.

Level 4: The Controlling/Manipulative Asshole

This Asshole is one of the worst kinds. And why? Because he knows exactly what he’s doing. Just like the other assholes he is cocky, scheming, and mean…the difference is, he’s doing it on purpose. He knows exactly how vulnerable you are and manipulates you into doing exactly what he wants. He literally thinks you are there to serve him and feels no remorse about how badly he’s making you feel. This is the kind of guy who will take advantage of your kind and forgiving nature and use it as an excuse to treat you like shit. You are his punching bag and he doesn’t care. Everything he does is a manipulation tactic and he is not to be trusted. This is the kind of guy who will lie, cheat, emotionally take you down and (I’m assuming) sits there laughing maniacally in his lair…or bedroom in the frat house about it. He gets away with it because “you live off of the attention” and has no qualms about telling you so. When you try to threaten to get away, he knows better and tells you just how it is: “you’re wasting your breath, you’ll be back in my bed in a few nights.” Not that he’s ever said those things to me….obviously. If you’re in this situation…run. Not that you can. Not easily anyway. It didn’t start this way, he manipulated his way into your heart and now he’s dancing around it knowing you’re stuck. THIS. IS. BAD. – GET OUT.

Level 5: The Sociopathic Asshole

And finally, we have the actual unhealthy, unsafe, inhuman type of asshole. Asshole almost doesn’t even cover it. This is the kind of guy who is literally emotionally abusive (physically even), and seriously psychotic about it. He’s totally bipolar because he is being a complete life-ruiner one minute and pretends nothing even happened the next. His goal (or at least the end result) is to make you think that you’re the crazy one. He will literally deny having done anything to upset you and insist that you are “over-reacting.” But wait, like…no I’m not? I can’t tell if these kinds of psychos are just evil to the core and mindfucking you into believing they didn’t do anything wrong when they killed your cat and you need to lighten up….or if they REALLY think it was ok to kill your cat because, like…it was a cat and most people like dogs better anyway. If you’re involved with this guy…he needs help, and so do you. Fortunately, only a few unlucky souls get sucked into this kind of treatment. Don’t let it be you, pretty girl. Seriously. Do not.


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Veronica Ruckh

Veronica (@VeronicaRuckh) is the Director of Total Sorority Move for Grandex, Inc. After having spent her undergraduate years drinking $4 double LITs on a patio and drunk texting away potential suitors, she managed to graduate with an impressive GPA and an unimpressive engagement ring -- so unimpressive, in fact, some might say it's not there at all. Veronica has since been fulfilling her duties as "America's big," a title she gave to herself with the help of her giant ego. She has recently switched from vodka to wine on weekdays. Email her at

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