Ladies, like it or not, we all have one-night stands. Whether they’re drunken mistakes, to get revenge, or simply because you just love how sex with a stranger feels, they happen. I cherish all of the crazy one-nighters I’ve had and the walks of shame I’ve taken with my panties wadded up in my purse and last night’s makeup smudged on my face. Over the years, though, I’ve learned that it’s probably smart to avoid having sex with certain people if you want to avoid getting a bad reputation. It’s always best to stay a “closet slut,” so here’s a list of five guys you shouldn’t get horizontal and sweaty with.
1. Your Best Friend
Every girl has that best guy friend who’s secretly in love with her, but is stuck in the dreaded friend zone for whatever reason. One night, you get really drunk and you’re alone, horny, and the only person there is the good ol’ BFF. Obviously the guy isn’t going to say no, because he’s wanted this since he met you. In the morning when you’re sober, you tell him what a mistake it was and he gets his sweet, vulnerable heart broken. Then, to top it all off, the poor guy has to hear about you having sex with a new guy every weekend because “he’s still your best friend.” The moral of the story is that you are both asshats. Girls: don’t fuck the dude who you know is in love with you and expect him to be okay with you banging other guys. Friend zone guys: you knew she was a whore, so you had it coming.
2. Guys On The Same Sports Team/Guys In The Same Frat
This is the number one no-no of college that girls still seem to always do. What do most guys do after they bang some chick at a party? Brag about it to their friends. Why would you think that, in your case, they’re going to keep quiet about it? There’s no better way to stamp yourself with a slut sticker than by hooking up with guys on the same team, guys in the same frat, or so on. If you’re a college athlete like I was, don’t think that the three guys you banged on the wrestling team won’t talk to the two guys you banged on the baseball team. Everyone knows everyone in college athletics, so try and stick to two or three athletes and then move on to “muggles” (non-athlete folk). Same goes for frat guys: two or three, then move on to the club lacrosse team.
3. The Nerdy Guy In Your Class
He sits next to you in Math 101, thinks you look good when you rock the messy bun and sweatpants to class, and always lets you cheat off of him on exams. You’re at a bar, you see him, you’re wasted, and you think, “I don’t like him, but I owe him.” NO. You don’t owe him. He let you cheat off of him with no strings attached. The poor kid is kind of nerdy with low self-esteem and he thinks you’re the equivalent of Angelina Jolie in “Tomb Raider.” Giving him a beej when you’re drunk will only lead him to get his hopes up and then make him hate you when you inevitably turn him down. Just let him admire you from afar–he’ll keep letting you cheat. You need to pass math, after all.
4. The Guy Who Works At Your Favorite Bar
Sure, bartenders are sexy. They pour drinks all night, bite off bottle caps with their teeth, and take shots with everyone, somehow managing not to get drunk. There may be a night when you fantasize about him as he pours a row of shots. You might think how awesome it would be to get it on right on top of the wooden bar. That’s fine. But don’t fuck him. You’ll fulfill your fantasy for the night, sure, but a variety of things will happen the next time you see him at that bar, and almost all of them are bad. If you cherish your weekly drunken escapades as much as I do, you won’t risk your favorite drinking spot for the dime a dozen barkeep.
5. Your R.A.
Only go here if you plan on starting a serious relationship. Don’t even think about it when you’re drunk. There are thousands of people on your campus, and you can avoid all of them to a certain extent–except for your RA. Think about it. He lives two doors down, you have monthly floor meetings, and he has the power to write you up and kick you out of the dorms. I don’t care if he’s a young Brad Pitt lookalike with the body of a Spartan in “300.” Do. Not. Do. It. If he ends up falling for you and you discover he has a small peen, bad breath, or some other unfortunate characteristic, you’ll have to turn him down and then deal with his death glare every time you bring someone new back to your dorm. On the other hand, if you fall for him and he turns out to be a douche with three other girlfriends, you’re going to bawl like a drunk white girl every time you see him banging someone else in the study lounge.