The 5 Boys You’ll Meet In Every Fraternity

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I bet you’re so mother effing happy to be back at school–I know I am. You missed your roommates and sisters and the drunken atmosphere your perfect campus has to offer. And, of course, you missed your favorite fraternity. They’re the ones you pregame with, postgame with, do Homecoming with, plan philanthropies with, and perhaps they’re the ones you continue to hook up with. Nevertheless, these boys have a solid place in your heart and you’ve almost grown to love the stale beer and dip spit smell of their charmingly beat up mansion. Sober or shitfaced, they’re a blast to be around and you can hardly wait to get back to your second home….whether they like it or not.

The Sort-Of Shindig
This is the guy you feel like you’re in a constant limbo with. You may have hooked up a few times, gone to a few formals together, and actually even hung out soberly together once or twice. Things are never too dramatic between you two, but you’d be lying if you said you weren’t a tiny bit jealous when you watched him ask for another girl’s number at the bar. All the girls in your house feel it’s their duty to update you on his every move, whether you care or not. He becomes “someone you’ve been seriously talking to” when a creepy guy won’t leave you alone and “someone you’re not taking that seriously” when a hot guy asks you out for drinks one night. He was probably your solid hookup freshman year who you never quite let go of. Maybe you still accidentally wake up in his bed every few months or so. Both of you were too scared to DTR and too proud to actually admit something may have been able to come of whatever you two were. You’re both mostly pleasant whenever you bump into each other, but you’re immediately elbowed by your friends afterward, who question some kind of rekindling. You never know what could happen between the both of you and you never did, but every once in a while you find yourself drifting back to memories with him. (It’s usually when your Tinder is pretty dry.)

The Older Brother
Probably one of the first boys your big ever introduced you to, the older brother is more like your guardian angel in disguise. He’s seen you at your worst, yet somehow finds your blackout antics endearing…sort of. He’s the one you think of when you can’t think straight (in the most platonic way possible) and has always seemed to rescue you in the most dangerous situations. Cops at the bar? He’s already texted you to get out. That one bitch from your math class shows up at the party? He’s walking up to you with another vodka soda. New boy begins chatting you up? He’s warning you about the kid’s shady relationship past. He’s like the mom of your friend group, except he’s way drunk. And larger. And less of a buzzkill. He would definitely knock somebody out for you. There may have been a night or two after a serious under the influence heart-to-heart that led you to believe you guys should at least make out, but he somehow talked you out of that, too. Let’s not even get on the topic of him graduating, because before you know it, you’ll be at the bottom of a ditch with no one to pull you up while cursing you out for being “literally the most alcoholic Barbie” he’s ever met.

The Sworn Enemy
Ohhhhh baby. This motherfucker. Not having even started this description, I’m willing to bet you’re already fuming at the image of the dude who popped into your head. Even if this is your go-to fraternity, there’s still that one guy who makes you want to punch yourself directly in the face. He could be a ex-flame, a tool who broke your best friend’s heart, or some random who gave you the loving nickname of “Crazy Bitch Slutpants,” but either way, the second you see him, your friends have to drag you out of the area. Out of all the boys you love so much in this house, HOW could their rush chair let someone like this possibly slip into the chapter? He snickers every time he sees you, knowing that the sheer sight of him is enough to make you drown in whatever alcoholic beverage is nearest to you. All the boys warn both of you whenever one of you shows up at the same place, as if that would possibly stop the disgusted looks between you from across the room. He knows exactly how to piss you off, whether it be by slinging his arm around another girl, literally pushing past you to hit on your roommate, or sarcastically asking how that one guy is doing that you pity hooked up with. Congrats, kid, you’ve officially earned yourself the nickname Douchedick 9000.

The Best Friend
Basically the main reason you go over to this fraternity so often is because of this guy. You’re the first one he texts about any social function, knowing you’ll bring the most beautiful girls with you who totally (somewhat) know how to hold their alcohol. The legend of girls and guys never being able to be friends without some form of sexual tension is put to rest between you two. He’s seen you more times without makeup than with, attempted to clean you up after a bad breakup and 11 shots of Fireball, and he’s even texted your friends that he had visual on you and you were safe that one time you decided to go on a nice run from the bars to his house. He’ll never try to control you–in fact, he’s probably the one egging you on to take that last pull or do that kegstand in your sundress. However, you’ve had your fair share of rescues with him, too. You’ve talked him out of fights, passed him the whiskey when his ex walked in, and convinced his mom on Parents’ Weekend that he was the most driven and focused boy in his whole house. He most likely helped you re-learn algebra and you wrote his final paper for philosophy. You never thought you’d find a male best friend like this in college who wasn’t a homosexual or trying to get in your pants. #Blessed

The Little Baby Pledge
If there’s anything you love more than your own newest, darling pledge class, it’s your favorite fraternity’s new pledge class. They’re all so adorable and innocent, and you’re torn between wanting to shelter them and corrupt them. You manage to find a balance between the two, then you latch onto a specific little nugget who you know is in love with you. You always pat him on the head when you see him. He’s the funniest drunk, clueless about females, and is always willing to bring you a coffee if you’re at the library. You devote your time to styling him and finding him dates to whatever function he has. Whenever he comes to you with girl troubles, you offer immediately to stab whatever bitch is giving him a heartache. Well, that or ruin her reputation within the entire Greek community. You squeal every time you see him out and when he rolls his eyes to his friends to give you a hug, they’re all making jerk-off motions behind you. He’s probably made a move once or twice and you might have even responded flirtatiously before adding “buddy” to the end of your response. In a couple years, he’ll grow up into one serious piece of man and you’ll be kicking yourself for not jumping on that when you had the chance. Stick around, trust me.

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Majored in bad language, bad decisions and bad jokes. Usually fucking things up or knocking things over.

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