We’ve all had them: flirtationships. They’re a little more than a friendship, but in no way a relationship. You talk and act like you’re a couple, but you’ve never established any limits or rules to your relationship. It could be with your best guy friend, who you can hang out with without a care in the world–maybe there’s a drunken hookup here and there. It could be with a friend with benefits who you really connect with. Whatever the situation is, the worst thing that happened to it was when your friends found out, because now they constantly ask you about your “relationship.” Even worse than that, random people ask about you two when they see you together, adding to the already semi-awkward situation. Whenever people say these things to you or when you’re together, try to hold a brave face and not dig a hole for yourself to die in. We all know you’re thinking these responses, anyway.
“Are you two, like, a thing?”
No, no we are not. Thanks for reminding me.
“Oh my gosh, you’re so cute together, though!”
I KNOW, RIGHT. If only that was the only reason we aren’t dating. But it’s not.
“Have you two thought about dating?”
Please stop, because I think about it only every other minute of the day. I doubt he thinks beyond who his starting fantasy players should be this week.
“Well, when are you guys going to be official?”
Never, if you keep asking these questions.
“You’re not single? I thought you and what’s his face were talking?”
I don’t know what we are, but there aren’t any rules about what I can do. Keep your judgements to yourself. BYE, FELICIA.
“He clearly has a crush on you.”
No shit. We’ve established this.
“He clearly is in love with you.”
Okay, you need to simmer down on that “L” word there.
“You’re lucky your man is here with you.”
He’s not “my man,” and you’re lucky I haven’t slapped you yet.
“Oh, is this your boyfriend?”
He’s my…friend. God, you just made it 100 times more awkward than this night ever needed to be.
“Wait, you guys aren’t dating?”
FUCKING NO, WE ARE NOT DATING. I WISH WE WERE BUT WE’RE NOT, SO THIS IS THE LIFE I LEAD, OKAY?
Because life is hard and isn’t fair.
“Are you scared of commitment?”
I mean, I can’t choose what color I want my nail polish to be, but I feel confident that I’m ready for a boyfriend. For sure.
“Maybe he’s scared of commitment.”
Maybe he’s a guy and all guys are secretly scared of commitment. Good observation.
“It’ll happen, don’t worry!”
I’m not. Everyone else is, but I’m perfectly fine. Really.
“Wait, how have you hooked up but aren’t dating?”
Because this is 2014. Where the fuck have you been?
“You guys are totally going to get married.”
We haven’t even agreed to be exclusive, but you’re right, drunk girl at the bar.
“Well, is he fair game then?”
If you want to die tomorrow, then yes, he’s fair game.
“What do you want from it?”
Uh, someone who puts up with my shit.
“Just let it happen, it’ll play out.”
Let what happen? It’s happening right now.
“I want you two to date!”
You and everyone else, thanks!
“Just go for it, what do you have to lose?”
What’s left of my dignity, my friendship with him, my life. Nothing big.
“Have you thought about being friends with benefits?”
Go home, you’re drunk.
“I can’t wait until you two are dating!”
You’re gonna be waiting a while. I’m done here..