The 2013 Oscars

The 2013 Oscars

The 2013 Oscars were so major I couldn’t even deal. First of all, the Oscars are the ultimate of all ultimate awards shows. It’s the night that every celebrity is required to BRING IT in every single regard. So much happened that I couldn’t even do a justifiable recap, but I think it’s important to polarize my feelings on the evening, and what implications the events that occurred during the most epic night in entertainment history will have on this upcoming year in cinema. Therefore, I’ve compiled a list of what I loved and hated from the 2013 Academy Awards, and why.


5. Jennifer Lawrence
The “Best Actress in a Leading Role” winner was absolutely incredible throughout the entire evening. She carried herself with such grace, poise, and humility that I don’t think anyone has ever been more deserving of the spotlight than she is. I know a lot of actors have over-stated how honored and surprised they were before, but I truly feel Jen was being genuine when she conveyed how nervous, excited, and shocked she was to win the award. She was last nominated for an Oscar in 2010, but she seemed as raw and honest as someone who’d never been to an awards show when she accepted her trophy. I’m also pretty sure 99% of the world would have died or cried hysterically after tripping walking to the podium, but I think she handled her stumble like an absolute pro. Did I love her dress? No. But did I love her, and the way she carried herself throughout the entire evening? Absolutely.

4. Seth McFarlane
I know a lot of people were offended by almost every joke he made, but I actually thought he was brilliant. First of all, there is a weird dynamic at the Oscars. The show is supposed to be stuffy and traditional, while being groundbreaking and current at the same time. I think the genius behind McFarlane, who has absolutely NO credentials to host the Academy Awards, is that he had nothing to lose and nothing to prove, which made him the perfect host. McFarlane’s target audience doesn’t consist of people who care whether a film is an Academy Award winner or not. His audience is comprised of people who enjoy a cheap laugh and over-the-top sexual innuendo that borders on incredibly offensive. I think Seth took not giving a fuck to an entirely new level at the Oscars, and he looked great in his tux.

3. Adele
Regardless of how many terrible fashion choices she makes, there is no denying Adele is one of the most talented individuals on the planet. Not only does she have like, six million Grammys, but she now has an Oscar under her plus-sized belt, too. She sounded incredible during her live performance of “Skyfall” and her acceptance speech was a hot mess. I loved it.

2. Naomi Watts, Amanda Seyfried, and Selma Hayek
I literally lost it when I saw Naomi show up in her silver Armani Prive gown. There is nothing better than a perfect dress, and Watts has been absolutely killing it this entire awards season. I love her because she knows how to dress for her body, and she knows how to keep her looks age-appropriate. Her gown showed just enough to make it sexy, but was conservative in all the right places, keeping it appropriate for the red carpet. I live for a McQueen moment, and I think Amanda Seyfried and Salma Hayek were absolutely flawless in their respective Alexander McQueen gowns.

1. Ben Affleck
Although the theme of the awards show was supposedly “Music in Movies” I feel the theme was actually “How Many Comments Can We Make to Show the Academy They Screwed up By Not Nominating Ben For Best Director.” Argo was awarded “Best Picture,” an award accepted by the production team (George Clooney, Grant Heslow and Ben Affleck). Affleck was noticeably snubbed by the Academy for a Best Director nomination, something that has only happened four times in Oscar history. This didn’t go unnoticed by Seth, who made a joke about how the operation the film was based on was so secret even the Academy wasn’t aware of its director. Best of all, when Heslow made his acceptance speech, he made a point of thanking Affleck for his directional abilities, which was a great way to sink the knife a little further. Regardless of what his feelings on being slighted were, Ben Affleck gave a truly heartfelt, and incredible acceptance speech that I think was the perfect ending to the show. I laughed, I cried, and I watched it again. Bravo.


5. The Opening Act
Nothing on McFarlane, who I will restate, was a great host, but the opening skit was all over the place and I fucking hated it. I don’t understand why there was a need to have Charlize Theron (who is like, five thousand feet tall, apparently?) dancing around with Channing Tatum. We all know the only time it’s acceptable for Channing Tatum to dance is if he’s shirtless. I also didn’t realize that Daniel Radcliffe was relevant since the release of the last Harry Potter installment, and I didn’t need to see him tap dancing. The entire scenario would have been better if it had been replaced with the cast of Magic Mike. Would it have been tacky? Yes. Would anyone have minded? Probably not.

4. Quvenzhane Wallis
I’m just going to come out and say it: I’m over her. I get it, I get it, she’s sooooo talented, and she’s the youngest Oscar nominee ever, but she was SO. ANNOYING. Every time the camera panned to her, she did some stupid pose and grinned her 9-year-old, nearly toothless grin. Apparently, they could teach her how to read lines, so I don’t understand why nobody took the time to teach her to just smile and wave at the camera when it pans to her. I can’t even deal with how famous this little bitch is about to get after her nomination, and personally, I hated her weird choice in purse for her red carpet walk. I get it, she’s nine, but she’s wearing custom Armani. You’d think she’d be able to find a fucking purse that didn’t look like she bought it with her lemonade stand money.

3. Kristen Stewart
I don’t know why people keep her around, but she’s still here, in all her fugly glory. Not only did she look absolutely hideous in her Reem Acra monstrosity of a “gown,” but she stumbled through her speech as a presenter. She brings absolutely no energy to anything she touches, and lacks the presence to make an impact. I’m still maintaining she’s the Hollywood equivalent of Helen Keller, which I’m sure is why she continues to get invited to these events. It must serve as some type of tax write-off.

2. Anne Hathaway
Fuck Anne Hathaway. I know Les Mis was huge, and I know she lost like 600 pounds to play a hooker, but I think she’s just asking for praise at this point. Her Prada gown was insulting to all the people who actually put effort into their appearances for the evening. She remembered to put lipstick on her huge, awkward, uncomfortable to look at mouth, but she forgot to wear a bra, which was actually the rudest. Not only did she look like a slutty fourteen-year-old going to homecoming, but she just sounded so dumb and annoying when she made her acceptance speech. “It came trueeee” she sang, cried, and smugly smiled. Shut up, bitch. We all know if you go through any major appearance changes, like say, weight loss, or head shaving, you’re basically guaranteed to be an Oscar winner. I mean, look at Charlize. She gained 30 lbs and got fake teeth and won an Oscar for her work in Monster. Regardless of how high and mighty you are trying to act after your Academy Award win, you are still a 5 at best from Jersey, who needs a strapless bra.

1. Mean Girls Was Still Noticeably Absent
I don’t care if the year for Mean Girls to sweep has passed, it’s still, undeniably, the best film of our generation and with each passing year that its accomplishments go unnoticed, I lose a little more faith in the Academy. Just a little.


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