The 2013 Grammy Awards: The Good, The Bad, The WTF

The Grammys happened Sunday night, just in case anyone forgot to check Twitter, or Facebook, or to turn on a TV. I love the Grammys because I think they’re the most entertaining of any awards show. They’re basically the VMAs with talent, which I can appreciate. I knew this year would be great, mainly because of Lady Gaga’s noticeable absence. Overall, I really wasn’t disappointed. I didn’t realize LL Cool J was still alive, but he came out from wherever he’s been hiding to host the show, and it actually worked. I think it’s also important to note that the Grammys decided to be a huge bitch this year by enforcing a dress code, which I actually loved. The attendees couldn’t RSVP “yes” unless they promised not to look like total trashy sluts, which, when I think about it, may in fact be the reason Mother Monster decided not to grace us all with her terrifying presence. In any event, the show was full of some great performances, terrible outfits, and instances that served as a damning testament to the overall IQ of the music industry.

The Good

5. Adam Levine
Adam Levine

Image via Associated Press

I would be lying if I said I weren’t completely obsessed with the Maroon 5 front man. I literally do not think there is a hotter man on Earth than Adam. He has this whole “Fuck me, or fuck off,” thing going for him, and I’d gladly resort to the former if the occasion called for it. He looked absolutely divine when he walked the red carpet in his Lanvin suit. It’s difficult for guys to commit a crime of fashion, because as long as they can find a well-fitting suit (an art most boys should master by the age of 7), they’re pretty much good to go. So no, Mr. Levine didn’t do anything remarkable, but he showed up, and that was good enough for me.

4. Nicole Kidman
Nicole Kidman

Image via Associated Press

Even though she was only there to support her husband, who is at best semi-relevant in the music world, Nicole Kidman absolutely killed it in Vera Wang. I loved her gown because it followed the basic formula for any flawless look: it was form-fitting, but not too revealing. It had plenty of intricate details, but it let the design speak for itself in its muted, neutral tone. I love that Kidman kept the rest of her look simple. I really don’t think this dress would have worked on anyone besides good old Nic, because it’s nearly impossible to wear. If it had been over-accessorized, or even dominated by overdone makeup or an involved updo, it would have looked soooo tacky. Nicole looked amazing, as she usually does on any red carpet. Also, I’m pretty sure her skin is made of alabaster, because this bitch is 45. 45. She’s fucking old.

3. Rihanna


Image via Associated Press

I am RARELY a fan of RiRi’s red carpet looks, because they are usually too tacky and too ridiculous to ever be considered wise fashion choices. I’m not sure if the dress code memo spoke to Rihanna, but she actually looked incredible in her red Azzadine Alaia gown. I think the gown was totally romantic and the color looked gorgeous with her skin tone. She might be a moron when it comes to picking boyfriends, but she was actually a genius when it came to dressing herself for the Grammys.

2. Carrie Underwood
Carrie Underwood

Image via Associated Press

I’ve never been as huge a fan of Roberto Cavalli as I was Sunday night. Carrie (a Tri Sigma) looked absolutely flawless in her black, beaded gown. It was pure glamour. The dress was a piece of art on its own, and she jazzed it up without over-doing it by accentuating its sweetheart neckline with a stunning 380 carat diamond necklace. I love Carrie’s look because it was risky. That dress was busy, beaded, and form-fitting, which can either result in a homerun or the perfect storm. I think by keeping her hair simple and her makeup neutral, save her smokey eyes, she allowed the dress to carry the look.

1. Justin Timberlake
Justin Timberlake

Image via Associated Press

Did Justin Timberlake look amazing in his Tom Ford suit? Um, effing duh, of course. I didn’t love his choice of red carpet footwear, which was reminiscent of a pair of 1950’s saddle shoes, but I did like his everything else. JT isn’t my #1 Grammy moment because of his clothing, however. Justin Timberlake ran into the world’s open, welcoming arms as he re-joined the world of music. I’m not going to lie, I was actually worried when he took his little break from music to become an “actor.” I think the final straw came after he married his beard, Jessica Biel. It was time for him to get his shit together and do what he does best: make pop music we’re all ashamed to like. His performance was absolutely genius. I couldn’t even deal. It’s 2013, and Justin Timberlake is back in the studio.

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