Graduation is a long, painfully boring several hours of your life where a bunch of people you don’t really know give speeches on speeches about shit you don’t really care about. People like to give generally encouraging words of wisdom, reminding you that even though you’re going to live in your mom’s basement for a year before you find a job, you’re the future. And even though the best years of your life are officially behind you, this is an accomplishment. And even though you’re never going to be as young and hot as you are now, your journey is just beginning. Shit like that.
While your speaker is spewing all this mumbo jumbo, you will sit around taking selfies with your best friends, because you sat with your sorority instead of your major (you fucking rebel). You will complain about the heat, cry because your stoles are the last set of letters you’ll ever acceptably wear, and slowly realize there is a zero percent chance your parents can even spot you in this crowd. But a lucky few of you out there will have the added bonus of a pretty cool speaker gracing your stage and feeding you the same bullshit everyone else is feeding you. Based on nothing at all, but personal bias, these are the coolest graduation and class day speakers 2015 has to offer.
- Olympian Michelle Kwan – Salve Regina University, May 17
- Former Florida Governor Jeb Bush – Liberty University, May 9
- Amy Robach of Good Morning America – University of Georgia, May 8
- Flo, from Progressive – Binghamton University, May 17
- Anthony Hopkins – Pepperdine University, May 2
- Joe Biden – Yale University, May 17
- Kenneth Cole – Emory University, May 7
- Arianna Huffington – Vassar College, May 31
- Katie Couric – University of Wisconsin, June 16
- Condoleezza Rice – William & Mary, May 16
- George W. Bush – Southern Methodist University, May 16
- Michelle Obama – Tuskegee University, May 9 and Oberlin College, May 25
- Stephen Colbert – Wake Forest University, May 18
- Natalie Portman – Harvard University, May 27
- Denzel Washington – Dillard University, May 9
- Ed Helms – University of Virginia, Charlottesville, May 15
- Maya Rudolph – Tulane University, May 16
- Matthew McConaughey – University of Houston, May 15
- Barack Obama – Lake Area Technical Institute, May 8 and US Coast Guard Academy, May 25
- Bill Nye, Science Guy – Rutgers University, May 17
I have no idea who spoke at my graduation. In fact, I think I was still drunk from the night before. But I encourage you all to look up your speakers, because it’s probably someone who’s kind of a big deal, and you might just want to listen to what they have to say..