Ah, boys. We love them. He hate them. We pretend to ignore them as we stalk the shit out of their social media. Sure, every guy is different, and I don’t want to stereotype and judge and blah blah blah. BUT, at the end of the dating day, there are trends. Basic boys with basic names who behave so, well, basic-ly. So if you’re going to date one, or dump one, know what you’re getting into, and what’s getting into you.
1. Michael: If a “Mike” hasn’t broken your heart, I’m pretty sure you haven’t lived. He seems like he’s a total sweetheart. And he is. Until, of course, he decides to be a total sweetheart to someone else. I’d tell you not to fall for it, or him, but no matter what I say, he’ll convince you otherwise. Enjoy it while it lasts and Facebook stalk the shit out of whoever he ends up with. Bitch.
2. Nick: Whenever there’s a bad boy in any walk of life, chances are his name is Nick. Nick gets into fights. Nick drinks straight whiskey. Nick is a fucking man.
3. John: Johns know. They just know. They know how to push your buttons. They know how to turn you on. And they know how to get exactly what they want, from exactly who they want. If you haven’t loved a John, you’ve probably hated him. But don’t worry, he didn’t notice. He was too busy basking in the admiration of everyone around him.
4. Brian/Bryan: The Brian/Bryans of the world almost always have facial hair. If they haven’t yet grown a beard, it’s only because they can’t, not because they don’t want to. Brian’s tend to have big wallets, big jobs, and big dreams of changing the world. I’m not saying they’re perfect but, actually yeah. I’m saying they’re perfect. Husband one up before it’s too late.
5. Jack: I’m not sure if it’s the name or genetics, but Jack is always intense, like really, really intense. Whether it’s about “his” football team, his dream of being a musician/writer/comedian, or his girlfriend, he’s committed. And he’s just the right amount of smart and sexy that you’re totally cool with his constant texts, obsessive calls, and embarrassing Instagram shoutouts to you.
6. Tyler: Pretty sure he invented the art of “ghosting.”
7. Robert: Robert is like the brother you never had and never really wanted. He always knows exactly what to say, even if you don’t want to hear it. He makes you laugh harder than anyone, and he makes you angrier than you ever thought possible. He’ll be at your wedding. It’s just a matter of whether he’s going to be the groom or a guest. No pressure.
8. William: Flannel? Check. Black rimmed glasses? Check. Hipster AF? Check, check, and check.
9. David: David is smart. David is sexy. David does what he wants. Whether it’s going out, moving across the country, or texting you back. Don’t expect David to change his plans for you. Or his dating habits.
10. Sam: Two words: Man. Child. Still, Sam is super hot and most likely played baseball or some other sport you pretended to care about. While he’s a fantastic kisser, he’s also dumb as a rock. Whatever. He knows his way around a vagina and for that, you’re eternally grateful.
11. Matt: If a bear magically turned into a human, it’s name would be Matt. Matts are lovable. Matts are huggable. And Matts make you feel safe.
12. Daniel: Dan, or Danny, is boyfriend material. Sure, sure, he acts like a total tough guy. He goes to the gym and oozes confidence. But at the end of the day, he wants a nice girl to big spoon. Don’t let his cockiness fool you, underneath he has a heart of gold and the credit card to prove it.
13. Timothy: Timmy opens doors. Timmy texts you back. Timmy has a body that makes your panties immediately fall to the ground. Timmy might not be there for a long time, but when you’re with him, it’s a really, really good time.
14. James: Oh James. Reliable, hilarious James. James is cute in a “my dad wont feel threatened by him” way. He doesn’t always have the biggest muscles, and he’s not necessarily wearing the hottest clothes. What he lacks in style, he makes up in the fact that he’ll text you back, and he’ll always be ready with a joke. Don’t hate on James. Hate on the girls who don’t snatch them up when they had the chance.
15. Mark: Hello, fuckboy.
16. Christopher: Chris might just be the most predictable guy you’ve ever met. He’ll get you flowers on Valentines day. He’ll wear graphic tees from Target. And he’ll #WCW you after taking your picture while sitting across from you at Applebee’s and doing the 2 for $20. He’s not the most original, but that doesn’t stop him from giving you exactly what your basic heart wants.
17. Joseph: Oh Joe. Good, honest Joe. 9/10 Joe is the guy you marry. He makes you laugh, and he makes your legs weak. He loves you, and texts you, and he calls you out on your shit. If you’re not dating a Joe, you’re probably doing it wrong.
18. Alexander: No one can make you want to rip your fucking hair out quite like an Alex. Sure, you love him. And yes, at one point you were borderline obsessed with him. But now? Now you sort of hope he dies. You know, in a nice “I still stalk you constantly on Facebook” type of way.
19. Paul: I’m going to be honest here, Paul is never the life of the party. Odds are, you’ve friend zoned a Paul one or many times in your life. He’s super sweet, but he’s still using his graphing calculator from like, 10th grade. Despite the fact that he owns a pair of cargo shorts, the jokes on us because Paul is going to make bank someday thanks to all of the nights he stayed in to study. Whoopsies.
20. Aaron: His hair looks sexy pushed back..