Ah, alcohol. It’s the magical elixir that makes you tell more lies than Pinocchio, only instead of your nose growing, your lust for the boy you want to get with that night grows. This nectar, combined with ’90s R&B songs, is a recipe for disaster. Here’s just a tiny sample of the lies we’ve told when we’re drunk, chasing after some guy, listening to “Ignition (Remix).” Now, usually I don’t do this, but uh…
“My dad owns the bar, so I drink for free.” –the girl who is actually drinking for free, because she’s stealing everyone’s half full drinks.
“I’ll text you when I get home.” –the emotional friend, who cried the whole way home and fell asleep next to her pizza. The text, among other things, never came.
“I’m a [insert sorority] from [random school].” –the girl who really needs to escape her life for a night and is visiting her high school friend’s college.
“I’m not going to let him stay. He’s just walking me home to be nice.” –the slutty, delusional friend who will drive him home tomorrow morning.
“Yeah, I met her a few times. She’s a huge bitch.” –the random girl who agrees with your every word. Truth is, she’s never met her, and she’s probably really nice.
“I lost all my money and cards at the other bar.” –the friend who doubles as a mooch, who is also too cheap to buy her own drinks and too ugly to go flirt for them.
“I don’t know her, but she looks wasted.” –the friend who definitely got you that wasted.
“I’m going to go meet up with my roommates!” –the girl who is going to meet up with a dick–literally and metaphorically.
“My dad owns your dad” (or some variation of this). – the girl with a middle class father who would be appalled by her nighttime behavior.
“Let’s just go to a random bar and get wasted.” –the girl who has a premeditated reason for choosing whatever bar you’re going to.
“I love [insert sport, sports team, sporting event]!” –the girl who hates sports, but loves (or just drunkenly wants to pork) the guy she’s talking to.
“You’re my best friend, seriously, best of the best.” –the girl who is pissed off at her actual best friend.
“Your ex is totally looking, and he’s checking you out.” –your friend who wants to see some drama unfold, stat.
“I’m not one of those girls.” –one of those girls.
“My dad/brother/cousin was a Phi Delt!” –the girl trying to get in bed with a Phi Delt.
“You get this round, I’ll get the next one.” –the girl who won’t be around for the next round.
“I’m seriously about to vomit, let me through!” –the peasant who wants to go to the bathroom to check her phone in peace.
“I’ve never done this, I’m serious.” –the girl who has definitely done that.