Pumpkin Spice Lattes
First and foremost, the PSL. If you didn’t pop into Starbs on the way to your communications class to pick one of these bad boys up, then you’re pretty much saying that you hate fall. And America. And happiness. Most of the serious basics have been drinking these for the past few weeks, but that doesn’t stop them from Snapchatting it daily. Sure, it’s as cliché as it can be, but when it tastes like literal sex, who cares?
If you’re currently unpacking your box of giant sweaters and adding a few new ones to your online H&M shopping cart, you’re not alone. The basics who thrive off of oversized sweaters and yoga pants know how to live a happy life. Whether or not they had achieved the perfect summer bod this year, they say “fuck it,” and have decided to eat their way through fall. Pass the carbs and the cupcakes, girls who love oversized fall sweaters know how to live.
Saying you love bonfires is basically like saying you love wearing a flannel shirt while getting drunk off of pumpkin beer and hooking up with a guy who has a beard, and I have absolutely no problem with that. The bonfire basics appear more low maintenance then their more demanding counterparts, but don’t be fooled. These bitches expect to have their craft beer paid for, and their fire essentials (read: marshmallows, Fireball, condoms) purchased with someone else’s credit card. Well played.
I’m not sure if it’s the field of pumpkins you love, or the poor, annoyed boy you brought along with you. Either way, pumpkin patches are one of the most basic loves we have in the fall. If this is where you thrive, you probably hope that an engagement ring will be magically hidden on the steam of the biggest pumpkin. That, or you’re just there to take pictures with your little and not actually buy any pumpkins. Either way, they’re a place of love, happiness, and Instagram likes, and you make them your bitch.
I don’t know if anyone likes candy corn so much as what candy corn stands for. The basics who get excited when they see bags of this weird, addictive treat tend to be the diehards. They buy this in bulk and put it in festive candy dishes when they’re “entertaining.” Sure, entertaining might mean getting wine drunk with your grand-littles, or using them as a chaser after tequila shots at your Halloween party, but either way. For you, fall isn’t a season. It’s a lifestyle.
Oh, Halloween. As the late, great Cady Heron once said, “In Girl World, Halloween is the one night a year when a girl can dress like a total slut and no other girls can say anything about it.” The basic who loves Halloween takes that to the next level. That whole weekend is dedicated to activities involving slutty-yet-creative costumes, getting drunk off of festive Jell-O shots, and hooking up with a guy dressed like Donald Trump. For these basics, loving Halloween means loving everything fall related. So if you meet one of these girls, beware. When it comes to fall, she don’t half-ass it, no matter how innocent her ex-wife costume looks.
Once upon a time, it was Uggs. Then riding boots. And now? Hunters. Boot-obsessed basics drool as the weather gets colder because they can finally stuff their yoga pants and leggings into something. It instantly makes them look more put together. Their feet don’t get wet when they walk through the grass at tailgate. And they don’t have to get pedicures as often. Throw some festive, fuzzy socks underneath, and these basics are set for the season.
To be honest, I’m not sure if anyone actually likes hayrides. If a basic says that’s her favorite fall thing, what she actually means is that she likes sitting in the bed of a truck next to a guy while drinking from a flask, and thinking about the inevitable hook up later. A hayride is like the “Netflix and Chill” of fall, except you have to leave your house. It’s just an excuse to cozy up next to some wannabe lumberjack and take cute pictures. But hey, that mixed with the vibrations of the ride (you know what I’m talking about) makes it a pretty sold choice for a fall favorite.
The haunted house basic either A) actually likes to get scared shitless and immediately seems cool AF, or B) she just likes them because she gets to cling onto some guy. Either way, it’s a respectable choice. Join her, or fall by her wayside when all of your guy friends invite her over for scary movie nights. And no, they’re not actually going to watch movies. Duh.
Ah, the pumpkin brew basics. You know the type. They tend to wear slouchy, yet incredibly hip tees and aren’t afraid to play cornhole, or whatever games boys play outside. She brings a koozie everywhere she goes, and is “totally fine” with just chilling on the porch and hanging out. Worse, she probably has great hair, not that she deserves it. Try to swallow your jealousy back with your own festive drink and just accept the fact that she’s the winner.
What’s better than a scarf? Trick question! There’s nothing better than a scarf. Basics who have entire chests dedicated to these decorative pieces of neck cloth know that you don’t choose the scarves. The scarves choose you. And holy shit, they all choose you. To be paired over a white shirt and jeans, or a jersey dress, scarves are the staple of the basic’s wardrobe. The bitches who can’t wait for scarf season are to be feared, respected, and copied.
The basic who says Thanksgiving is her favorite part of fall is also the basic who raises her hand in class. The basic who flosses. The basic who exercises “to be healthy,” instead of just to be a regulation hottie. The worst part is, she’s so freaking nice it’s hard to not be thankful that she’s a part of your life. Chances are, she’ll host a “Friendsgiving” and let’s be honest, she makes the BEST pies. Do your best to not hate her, and be sure to snag an invite to her festive event. Because it, like her, will be perfect.
Basics who love apple picking don’t necessarily love apple picking. They love wearing boots and scarves. They love flirting with guys or laughing with their sisters as they get lost in orchards. And they love posing with a bucket of fruit and raking in the Instagram likes. It’s not the most fun activity, and it’s not like you’re actually going to bake a pie with the apples (unless of course you love Thanksgiving, then see above), but it is one of the most aesthetically pleasing activities for social media, and isn’t that all that matters anyways?
You never really need an excuse to toss back an obscene amount of Fireball. It’s the shot of choice for freshmen and parents alike. Basics who love getting shitfaced without the hassle of actually tasting alcohol are obsessed with this whiskey in the fall. They mix it with apple cider, toss in some cinnamon cloves, and do bad things with hot guys next to a sizzling fire all while appearing classy. These are the basics who aren’t afraid to get freshman-year-halloween-drunk everyday of fall. #Respect
The holy grail of fall, this is one of the things most basics have in common. In no way mutually exclusive to other basic items, watching Hocus Pocus each fall is like being born again. Deciding which of your friends would be each character (you pick SJP’s witch, obvi), and belting out “I put a spell on you” into your paddle, is the main reason for staying alive another year.
Ugh. Cheers to it finally being fall, basics. Our time is now..