There’s a reason every movie, book, TV show, song, play, musical, skit, standup special, and drunken brunch conversation is centered around sex — it makes the world go round. Literally. But what is it about sex that makes us love it (or love to talk about it) so much? Aside from the fact that most of us are attention-starved freaks and love that someone is willing to devote a good 17 minutes purely to our vaginas, there has to be a deeper (hi-oh) reason we all just *can’t* get enough. Here it is. Broken down. The very scientific and not at all personal list of the worst and best moments of sex. Ranked from “oh my God, make it stop” to “oh my God, NEVER stop” here’s the good, the bad, and the oh-so-messy moments we love and hate about bangin’.
11. The Moment You Realize You’re Not Going To Get Off
There you are, in a bed/in a car/in some secluded corner at formal. Things are hot, things are heavy, and you’re going for the gold (the “gold” being an orgasm — keep up). Just as you think you can make it happen, you get distracted. Maybe there’s a noise. Maybe there’s a light breeze. Maybe you just remembered the time in 10th grade when your shitty friend told your chemistry teacher that you had a crush on him and to this day he *still* won’t accept your Facebook friend request. Whatever it was, you lost your focus, and now? There’s no way in hell you’re getting off. If you ever want to see what lost hope looks like, look into the eyes of a person who has to accept that their orgasm got away.
10. The Cleanup
Few things make you feel more like a helpless, beached whale covered in hot garbage than the cleanup portion post-sex. However things went down, there’s a zero percent chance you’re walking away feeling “fresher” (gag me) than when you started. If you walk away at all. Odds are you’re going to lay there, sprawled out, trying not to move so all of the juices don’t run off of you and ruin your I-got-a-white-bed-set-purely-for-Instagram sheets. Moist paper towel, anyone?
9. Reciprocating Oral
Maybe it’s his birthday. Maybe you’re on your period. Maybe you’re just feeling charitable. Whatever it is, there’s that brief moment when you realize you’ve got to pack your bags and go to oral town. It’s not that giving is horrible. It’s just, well, it’s not great. Sure, you get to enjoy making the person you love/like/tolerate feel good, but come on. At what cost?
8. The Moment Right After When He Dead Fishes On You
It happens every single time without fail. I’m not sure if it’s in the guy handbook, or if the teacher tells them to do it in sex ed, but every. single. male. in. the. world. has the same “oh my God, I just came” move. Or lack of move, if you will. They get the face. They do a shiver. And then they fall on top of you very dramatically and lay still like they just fucked themselves to death. It’s not sweet. It’s not cute. But it’s just a part of the process. Whenever they want to remove that from their repertoire, I’ll sign off on it.
7. When A *Sound* Happens
Any sound that isn’t one of your planned, practiced, and perfected Oscar-worthy noises usually makes you want to die quickly and repeatedly. There’s always a moment of hesitation, some reassurances that “it’s totally fine,” and then you carry on and have to pretend that it never happened. But hey, it happens to everyone. Right? Right?!!
6. The Awkward Switching Positions Stage
In any good sex life, you have to switch positions (so I’ve heard. Unless you’re lazy like 99% of us, and just want to lay there and take it). The only problem is that switching positions IRL isn’t like switching sex positions in the movies. Like, at all. In the romcoms we force our leading men to watch, it’s effortless. He flips her over and she’s flushed and happy about it. In life, you have to do rock, paper, scissors to decide who’s going to be on top.
Like almost anything in life, the pregame of sex is better than the actual event. You get to drink some wine, make out, have a little OTP action. There’s some kissing, some laughing, and the promise that what comes next is even better (even though odds are, it won’t be). Foreplay is the Christmas Eve of sex, and there’s something so hopeful about it, you just can’t help but love it.
4. The Foreplay BEFORE The Foreplay
Even better than the foreplay, even better than the pregame, even better than Christmas Eve, is the PRE-foreplay. Stay with me. You know how Christmas is good and Christmas Eve is great (sorry everyone who doesn’t celebrate Christmas. I didn’t do great in my World Religions class freshman year so I have no idea what you celebrate, but just switch out Jesus for whoever you want), but the whole magical time leading up to those two days are even better? You get to put up decorations, go to parties, and get excited about all of the orgasms you might get in the future. Uh, I mean, presents. We’re still talking about Christmas here. Anyway, the point is, all of the flirting and innuendos and anticipation are a hell of a lot better than most aspects of sex.
3. Receiving Oral
Easily one of the top wonders of the world, the moment when someone is about to go down on you is like getting a fully paid car. You don’t worry about what you have to do to get it. You know it’ll take you all the way. And you don’t even consider the fact that you’re going to be indebted to the person who gifted it to you. In that moment all that matters is that you did absolutely nothing, and have to do nothing, to receive the best gift of all.
2. The Elusive Orgasm
Sometimes, when the stars align, the alcohol hits us just right, and we don’t remember embarrassing times from our childhood, orgasms occur. It’s at the top for a reason. It doesn’t necessarily happen often, but when it does, it’s the thing love songs are *actually* written about.
1. Finally Getting Food
Better than oral. Better than the orgasm. The post cleanup, dead fish, dammit-I-have-to-go-down-on-another-human moment you’ve been waiting for. You turn to each other, gaze deeply into your lovah’s eyes, and you come to the mutual conclusion that you want to get food. It’s always greasy, it’s always unhealthy, and it’s always shared over some obscure documentary on Netflix.
So, what it all comes down to is this: It doesn’t matter if you come or if you deliver, as long as the pizza guy still does..